50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

"Pit of Martyrdom"
You're so right. It's about being a people pleaser so much, that any sense of self is lost and they put up with this kind of nonsense.
I can't imagine a situation where the family would just be relaxing on screens etc while I did everything! It's absolutely ridiculous. What this birthday has done is thrown it into relief.
Start being assertive, OP.

Not unreasonable at all to feel upset OP. I actually hate my birthdays for this very reason, always land up feeling a bit shit with everyones lack of effort 😔

Speak to your loved ones. Tell them how disappointed you are.

From the OPs previous post, because her husband is a useless borderline abusive twat.

Its because,in the world of mumsnet, you must eat organically, cook from scratch every night and be 'outdoorsy' or your children will grow up to be pale, thick and only 3ft tall. Women must facilitate all this whilst working, dealing with domestic shite and walking the cocker poo the family inevitably have.

The cockerpoo thing made me laugh, but it's so true! Also, what pp have said about this martyrdom syndrome that some women have.
It's like we've regressed to the 1950s at times.

Forget the shit birthday effort - it’s this that leaps out at me:

“I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards.”

Why? Why do you accept that? If you act like a doormat and all that… and what are you (as a couple) role modelling to your DC about the roles of men and women?

YANBU to be disappointed about your birthday but YABU to carry on performing as the household domestic slave. This is why they don’t respect you. You don’t respect yourself.

@cornflowerblue32 I read your other thread about the teaspoons. You are not a spoilt brat at all, you are more acting like a doormat. You are married to a selfish, immature and abusive man. He is not going to become what you want, however you can make things better for yourself in so many ways. Please start standing up for yourself in a calm way that he can't reasonably object to without looking like an idiot.

What that might have looked like today was telling the family exactly what you would like for a present, saying as it's your birthday can he please cook dinner tonight, or that you've booked a restaurant. Saying, gosh I'm tired, this time I need everyone to do their own laundry.

This is who he is, he has no desire to change, but stop giving away your power. You can start treating yourself much, much better.

I
My husband didn't 'do' birthdays really. I just had to deal with that. Maybe a takeaway but that was it. But a few months before my 50th I said that it felt quite different this time and I would like to do something and for him to plan it.

The day arrived. I went downstairs to find a plant that I don't like in the kitchen. I said something like, oh no, did my mum send that? My children said no, daddy got it in Tesco last night. We told him you don't like them'. He then said, yes but your 50 now, you need to learn how to look after them, or something like that.

Children went to school. He then said he could take the day off if I wanted to do something. So it was up to me to think. We went into nearest city. I went to John Lewis and bought myself a perfume I had wanted for ages. Had lunch somewhere nice but inexpensive. Came home. And that was it.

No effort, in fact the opposite. A run through Tesco the night before and deliberately bought something I don't like. That night he went to his coaching session as usual. My children were upset. I make a big effort for them all.

It was another nail in the coffin and a couple of months later I decided to seperate. It had been a long time coming but that level of utter apathy and lack of thought was endemic in our relationship and I realised for many many reasons, I just didn't want to feel so worthless anymore.

So. I get it.

Happy 50th 🥳. You're not being unreasonable to feel this way.. not for a milestone birthday. I know it's no excuse but some men think of gifts that are practical and in my experience those men can often be good men, rather than some men that give lots of what some people describe as meaningless gifts such as chocolates etc. I think the fact too that your holiday was so close to your birthday, perhaps they felt that marked the occasion and spending a lot of time in close proximity, people sometimes like a little space afterwards from tiredness and travelling etc.

Take yourself off for a lovely pamper day. Write down the things you'd like to do and just do them : )

I'm going to take myself off on a mini pamper day including lovely food, shopping for a few semi extravagant treats and soak up the atmosphere of where I choose to go. I might try to squeeze in a little sightseeing.. time permitting. My occasion isn't a milestone birthday but it's a milestone day for me to enjoy (after years of barely having time to look after myself) and reflect on the good things and people in my life, perhaps reminisce in a place that brings back some happy memories some of the greatest times in my life and just make it a lovely day for myself. I have never really done this before, certainly not alone, so I can't comment on the experience yet.

You deserve to feel special and treated on a a milestone birthday, so I hope you can plan something nice x.

You are right to be hurt and angry. They should have made a big fuss for your special day.

You could also save up a few weeks of his washing and give him that in a bag for life with a bit of ribbon tied on to make it celebratory.

And how about a home made cook your own meal box? Everything he needs to cook his own birthday meal ( “ the chicken breasts are in the freezer darling, don’t forget to defrost them before you start”)

Happy Belated Birthday @cornflowerblue32 🎂💐

The presents don't seem very special. And they didn't make a fuss of you, although we don't know what big birthdays would be like in your family for anyone else. Sorry can't say more. I fully understand you crying about it.

Prompted by your post, I had a look at that thread too. The DH sounds bullying and abusive, he is gaslighting.
The children are teenagers! I don't know why they do nothing, except that they're understanding relationships from their parents.

How thoughtless of them. Bad of hubs not to ensure kids were off phone and give some help on laundry etc.

I would suggest “I don’t feel we did my 50th justice last week. I’d like us to do X on X date. Will you organise it?”’

There’s low key and relaxing and lovely. And there’s cracking on with three loads of washing, unpacking, cooking and cleaning low key.

I don’t like a fuss or big parties but a lovely meal, a chat about turning a big milestone like 50, nice presents.

Jesus, they barely acknowledged it.

I would be furious.

Err no . A desk fan is a household item and not nearly appropriate for a 50th birthday , in fact any birthday.

In my experience ( and I have nearly 10 years on you), just plan and book what you want.
We went to Edinburgh for mine because I booked it. This was after we went to Boston USA for dhs 40th and up the road for my 40th. I never just left something of mine that I wanted celebrated to chance again.

In fact, even if it wasn't her birthday, it's selfish behaviour from the DH and teenage DCs.

I turned 60 last year and let my husband know, well in advance, that I really, really wanted his attention for the occasion. This was especially important to specify, as my in laws were making noises about coming to Europe and Uk from Australia for one of their hugely expensive overseas trips which they afford partly by basing themselves with us for a couple of weeks leaving me to provide hotel, laundry and travel concierge services while DH fucks off back to work after first 36 hours of their stay. So I booked a week in a really great spot for us, running up to the day, and he booked a weekend for the day itself in a lovely hotel. In laws were told no, make other arrangements! Different month, and use an AirB&B while in London.

for other birthdays, I’ve organised my own outings/ lunches/dates with DH and family, so that I get the day I want. And if I’m offered a gift, I tell the giver what it is I want, checking budget first. If I’m given chocolates, I do not expect to share them! (Wine I will share, and cake.)

In short, I don’t sit back and wait for others to put me first, or read my mind about what I want. This may lack romance in the minds of some, but it avoids disappointment.

Happy birthday🌻
I make an effort with my family's birthday's but i'm not too keen when it's my own so i always have lowish expectations but still plan to do a few nice things for myself ,even by myself, i get my birthday off so i may wander around homesense or a garden centre, treat myself to a nice candle etc.
I absolutely do not cook on the day , the birthday person gets to choose the takeaway .
So at the end of my birthday i usually end up thinking what a nice day its been.
I have got a lovely family but it's me that makes the biggest effort and as a pp said i also end up steering them into getting me a gift relevant to me rather than be given something i don't like or will never use.
My point is diy your next birthday and give yourself a lovely day.

Was the holiday your birthday “thing” though. Maybe thats why there’s no fuss on the actual day?

You have my sympathies. For my DH’s 50th I took him and DD on a surprise holiday to the south of France. Spent around £2k. For my 50th, (11 years later), he gave his card and told me to ‘get some stuff’. Then moaned as I’d spent £250. He claimed he’d ‘forgotten’ about the holiday. So yeah, thoughtless.

What a horrible man. I'm guessing he's your ex!

It’s really shitty of them, but I can’t imagine this happening in our house because I would be talking about my birthday for weeks, and my 50th would be a bigger deal.

I’m 47 and we’ve been talking about a big holiday for my 50th, I’ve toyed with the idea of upgrading my car as a treat to myself for turning half a century. Anything nice we see when shopping I’d say ‘Well it’s the big 5-0 in a few years! So if I play my cards right!’

Same with my DH, we would plan and discuss it his birthday too.

I have a feeling you have down played it so much they have barely acknowledged you!

I would say to your DH today ‘Well it’s a lovely day today isn’t it! What weather we’re having. 50! Bloody hell I can’t believe it. I don’t feel 50, but I’m so glad with what we did to mark it yesterday - the unpacking, the washing, the simple chicken dinner I whipped up.’

Then I would walk off and leave that hanging.

(Then I would get the desk fan and ram it repeatedly up his ass like a woman fucking possessed.)