50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

That's all crap and I do feel for you . However it was set up to fail before it even started. Travelling back on a birthday that is ,quite rightly, important to you was daft. It wrecks the whole thing before it starts. Presents are very personal ( and a fan is a domestic, useful object and therefore as shite as if he'd bought you a new steam iron). My husband is on the autistic spectrum . He loves the very bones of me and is very affectionate and fabulous but presents are tricky.Hes one of 5, they're all on the spectrum ,as we're their parents , and presents were never really a part of their childhood. I realised this very quickly so now he takes me out for a lovely lunch and we shop for my presents together so I get lovely things that I really want. I love spending time with him so its a brilliant day and I really look forward to it. Your children are being led by their father's attitude towards you ( perform interest for 10 minutes , then drift off. Presumably sex with your husband is like this too). You need to have a family discussion in a few days about how sad that made you feel and that you would like to suggest ideas on how to improve the birthday situation. Other people will come on and say ' why should she, that's just another thing for her to sort out" and yes it is and , in an ideal world , it should all be sunshine and roses, but it wont change unless she speaks up and changes it.

I understand, but in our family, we discuss birthday plans, not leave them to fate. I'd have been chatting about it with DH and saying, let's go out for dinner on my birthday otherwise it'll just be a day of sorting laundry once we get back. Or have gone out the night before, while still on holiday, to a fancy restaurant, to celebrate in advance.

Or if staying home, while having dinner, I'd have said - as it's my birthday, please would you all clear up after dinner then come and play a board game together as a family.

OP, I totally understand that feeling of disappointment, but we have to learn to ask for or state what we want, not expect others to guess.

I honestly don’t remember much of a fuss for my 50th - except that there would have been the usual cards and a few presents from close family, but nothing at all extravagant. I took some cakes into work for colleagues to share, and that was about it. But I was happy with that.

The only really extravagant birthday present I ever had from dh was a pair of lovely diamond and pearl earrings - for my 38th!

My 70th, though - I hadn’t wanted any big fuss, but the family had Other Ideas…

The birthday effort is crap. But the loudest thing I can see is that you are acting like their maid. Why couldn’t they help unpack, cook and clean up. Presumably there was no school or work.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky - very short easy read. Follow The Becky Eckle in you tube and start prising yourself out of domestic servitude. Your ‘D’H is a knob.

Why on earth did you do all the unpacking, sorting, laundry, cooking and clearing up?
You have got to find your voice. Stop letting your family walk all over you. Even if your children are quite young, they can unpack and tidy away.
Your DH could easily have cooked a meal or sorted out washing.
Time to stop crying on your own in your bedroom and start having a conversation with your DH about expectations.

There's still time to plan a celebration today or go for a meal tonight. If your family is usually good I would put it down to returning from holiday and lack of planning really. In hindsight could the return from holiday maybe not have been planned to fall on your actual birthday, or the dates booked so you were still on holiday and could have celebrated out there? Was the holiday anything to do with your birthday? I certainly plan on being on holiday for my 50th

10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards

Never mind the birthday, how on earth have you got yourself into a situation where this is allowed to happen?

Why are you doing housework while they are on screens?
Why were you unpacking their stuff - they could do that?
Is there a rota for cooking?
Are your DC old enough to go on the cooking rota (from about 12 years old)?
Is there a rota or rule about who cleans the kitchen when one person has cooked?
If you usually do all the laundry, what does DH have as his responsibility to balance the load? e.g. does he always clean the bathroom or something else?

Have you made yourself into the skivvy of the family because doing acts of service for others is your way of showing you care? Or is it because you like to be in control and don't think they do things 'properly'?

Whatever the reason, it needs to change. Not least because your DC need to be trained in housework routines before they leave home, else you are just inflicting their ineptitude on their future partners.

You need a big re-set and a re-allocation of responsibilities. Expect massive pushback.

Crying before going to sleep is a bit silly (what is it with grown women on this site crying at everything?!) but I think it’s fair to say you were within your rights to feel under-whelmed.

I sympathise. My 50th was a bit disappointing. My DH left my sister to arrange it, then complained it had been a bit of a non event. If he’s put a bit of effort into it, it wouldn’t have been!

Why did you cook the meal, I don’t understand? Why did you do all the unpacking and chores? If you do it you’re setting the precedent.

Whilst everyone obviously has been thoughtless, this is also a situation that's slightly of your own making

Did you at no point mention your birthday in the lead up? When you booked the holiday did you not discuss that you were travelling back on your 50th so maybe it would be nice to celebrate on the last evening of the holiday for example?

Did you not ask everyone to play a boardgames or watch a film if you wanted? Why did you do the washing and the cooking on your birthday? You could also have just sloped off and left it.

I do think most people put a level of planning into their own birthdays, my DH is great but I do talk about my birthday in the lead up, say what Id like to do, suggest restaurants or a weekend away depending. I dont just sit back and expect everyone to plan something without saying anything, and most of my friends and family do similar. Yes obviously loved ones should put effort into your birthday but sometimes you do need to advocate for yourself, if you don't and just do the drudge work and not speak then your also playing into the idea your not worth making the effort for.

To be fair, it is clammy clacker weather. At least, it is in the U.K. I’d appreciate a desk fan, but only if it was accompanied by other (better) presents, cake, and a load of fuss.

OP, the fact that the rest of the family can so easily dismiss you and your feelings suggests that they see you as part of the furniture almost without feelings that matter.

Well your feelings do matter.

For each of them, I’d match their energy for their birthday’s from now on, until they get the message. Do nothing other than provide a shittily thought out present.

Id also start doing more things for yourself and less for them. They take you for granted so now it’s time to stop letting them.

You matter as well. Don’t always cook dinner, do their washing or listen to moaning about work/friends/etc. Be a bit selfish and when they ask why, explain.

Happy birthday, OP!

I don't think the fact that you were coming back off holiday and everyone was tired is an excuse. It's a big birthday, whether you want to celebrate with
a party or not.
Your DH could and should have suggested that he cook something nice for you or you all got a takeaway, and watch a film/play a game (I presume as you mentioned these things that you usually do them and everyone knows you like doing them).
How old are your kids? I don't know why they (if old enough) and your DH couldn't do their own unpacking and pitch in with the washing.
Your dad was thoughtless as well. Couldn't he have at least popped in with a card/cake/other little treat before or after bowls?

Is this a one-off or do you generally do all the work in your family?
Either way I think you need to talk honestly to them about how you felt upset about this, and have a conversation too about people pulling their weight.

Good idea. Let the family know you’re not a servant. This could be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.
Also, why not reschedule your birthday for next weekend and give the family a week to plan it. If they don’t, I’d celebrate with friends next weekend.
Belated happy birthday wishes, OP! 💐💃🏻🥤👑🐧🥀🌹🌺🪷🍇🍒🎂🥂🧉🍹🍸🍾

Why do women on here cook and then complain about cooking? Will the whole family waste away if the woman doesn’t make dinner one night?

But they all clearly knew it was her birthday, hence the shite presents.
It is not beyond the understanding of a competent adult (and the kids depending on their ages) that perhaps they could suggest things to do, or ask what you wanted to do, for your birthday.

I would have said "right, it's my birthday so you lot can do all the jobs today and we will get a takeaway tonight."

So many martyrs on MN.

That sounds horribly thoughtless of them all OP. I would let a few days pass, then sit DH down and say that you were very disappointed with his lack of effort and that it's made you feel unvalued by them all.

Your 50th is a huge milestone. And instead it turned out to be a damp squib. You're well within your rights to feel upset

What would you have liked to happen on your birthday OP? Did you book the holiday knowing you’d be travelling home on your birthday? Or was someone else responsible for that?

Everything that you mentioned re having to do all the unpacking, washing etc sounds like a longer term issue with your dh and dc - if things are like that normally then it sounds like if you want things to change, a serious conversation needs to be had. Did you really have to cook a meal, or could there have been an alternative plan? It sounds like your DH is not very thoughtful to have stepped back and watch you “get on with it”. Have you ever thought about the reasons why you put up with this selfish behaviour? There are no prizes for martyrdom.

I’m sorry you had a rubbish birthday and I really hope you can have an alternative birthday/weekend doing the things you want to do. Put yourself first on this occasion.

As for your DH telling you to be grateful for what you have – how on earth have you not found some anger at that yet? How dare he?!
When the kids next tell each other to 'avoid mum as she's grumpy', sit them all down and talk about why you're 'grumpy' and what you can as a family do about it.

Not nice @cornflowerblue32
There will be the usual "you're an adult birthdays don't matter " crew, but they do in our house.
The birthday person gets a day off completely. We do what they want and there is fizz and a meal out.
Tell them you are upset, otherwise how will they know! I would have made comment at the time about them doing the washing etc, as its my birthday 🎂
We came home from skiing on my birthday once. We had cake and fizz at breakfast and DH did all the unpacking and washing. We had takeaway curry, as we were all tired from traveling.

As an aside - why are you doing all the domestic shitwork while your dh and dds loll around?

Was the holiday in celebration of your birthday?

I have a friend who I meet up with many times a year. She has a towing caravan. They meet up with the children ( adults in mid 30s with spouses) for holidays. She does all the shopping,all the cooking ,all the clearing up for the entire holiday then sorts the caravan when they get home( washes clothes, bedding, hoovers blah blah). At Christmas they all come to stay plus her mother, brother, sister and spouse so my friend repeats the cooking , cleaning , bedding dance at home for 10 days. We always meet up in early January and everytime she looks ill and exhausted. She has cold sores around her mouth everytime.Ive given up saying that ,if you cook, someone else clears up. That each couple could take a night and cater for it and clear up afterwards. That her sister ,who flies in from Spain every year, could take her to the supermarket and pay for all the alcohol. She has got herself into such a pit of martyrdom that she can't get out of it. I've known her for 40 years and she's done it all her life. I asked her once if anyone had offered and she admitted thst they had but she'd rebuffed them " Oh they wouldn't put things away properly so Id rather do it myself". So now I just say nothing. Martyrs like being martyrs ( there's even a syndrome dedicated to it . Its called Saviour/ rescuers syndrome. ) Stop the martydom Op. They'll hate it . Oh dear how sad. Then they step up....or you make other larger decisions.