50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

Your family are thoughtless oafs, OP.
id have been upset too, but I’d have told them. Life’s too short to be a martyr when your family are happy to take you for granted. Especially your husband.

Sorry you had a crappy day. Next weekend, go and do something you enjoy, just you, and leave them to it.

Is this normal for them on birthdays? Or are they normally attentive and caring?

If my husband got me a bloody desk fan for any birthday, let alone a big one, I'd be so mad!

Sounds like they take you for granted and I'd be discussing with your husband asap.
and he can have the fan back for his birthday to!

Thanks - yeah I'm not too good on the telling them what I think part. I've tried that before and it always seems to end up with DH telling me that I should be grateful for what I have and the kids telling each other to 'avoid mum as she's grumpy'.
I like the taking myself off next weekend idea - thanks for that. I'll give it some thought - it'll replace some of the negative going round and round in my head.

That's crappy, OP.

Birthdays are normally a bit more of an event - day out, meal out so I don't have to cook, sort of thing. Coming back off holiday made it a bit of a messy day I suppose and I guess everyone was tired.
I think it was more heightened because it was a 'zero' birthday. It's not like I wanted a big party - not my thing at all. Maybe just an offer to play scrabble or watch a film together

'and he can have the fan back for his birthday to!

What a good idea - thanks for that - made me laugh. 😆

I remember your thread about your DH and the teaspoons. The majority said he was abusive and certainly he is not demonstrating that he cares and cherishes you

I'd have a chat with your husband and explain that it'd be nice to do something to mark your zero birthday. A meal out or a little party at home which everyone helps with.

It makes sense that it was so meh because you'd all just got back off holiday

So your husband is normally abusive? I'm a bit confused tbh

I can relate to this - my family are wonderful but I’ve learned to be really specific about presents and what I want to do for my birthday with them. Otherwise I often end up disappointed, and then feel ungrateful and crappy about my reaction. Do something fabulous with a friend asap! And happy birthday to you!

Really shit and very sad that your children seem to be matching your husband’s lack of thought and care. I also remember the spoons thread and obviously there are bigger things at play here.
This is an opportunity for a serious evaluation and change.
You have a long life still ahead of you and maybe this is the sign to take action and finally centre yourself and your own needs.
What do you want and need from the next decade?
Be brave, rip off the plaster and start living, on your next birthday you could and should have better x

I’m so sorry that’s really awful on your 50th. I would have been very upset too. I definitely would not have cooked on my birthday and would have expected a takeaway if everyone was too tired to go out. Would also have expected a cake and a game afterwards or all watch a film of my choice. Agree the present was rubbish!
I do find that I sometimes need to do some planning for my birthday - tell everyone what we’re doing about food, give the gift ideas and then say what the evening activity is.
You should definitely say to your DH that your big birthday got a bit overlooked and it would be nice to do something like go out to dinner for it. Also that you’re taking yourself off somewhere for a treat. Don’t let this set the tone for your future birthdays.
I think August birthday people have it quite tough -a bit like December birthdays - I have a DS with one and we are usually on holiday or just about to go or come back. It’s more of an effort to make sure he gets made a fuss off but we do try.

sorry to hear - for zero birthdays why not make it a year of celebrations. Do something lovely for yourself as PP said but also tell them they have let you down and give them another day to organise something for you. Belated happy birthday. I’d have washed my clothes and left theirs…

This situation with you doing the dog's body of everything is probably going on a long time. There's no reason why you have teenagers and a husband and they could not help you unpack and clean up and do laundry after the trip. What kind of holiday is it when you have to do everything? I think I would start to go out more and do more things on your own take a weekend away somewhere by yourself or you can enjoy your time

My partner took me to stay in London for the night to see a band I love for my 50th. The bigger kids looked after the little one. Honestly, I cant remember the presents (its a year on) but they were thoughtful and friends brought me stuff too. I would have been upset if people didn't try to spoil me a bit and I felt very loved.

I'm sorry that didn't happen for you. I think you have to tell them and not let them dismiss you. Once a decade being shown you are appreciated is very little to ask. If they don't respond as you wish then I would make that clear to them and be serious and consistent about it. You have to advocate fot yourself sometimes so as not to be walked over.

Having said that, I don't know about the other thread and you do need to stay safe. If you can't speak up for yourself here then it may be time to leave.

That sounds perfect to me, I don’t like a fuss or to be the centre of attention. Low key and simple all the way.

But OP isn’t you and her husband and children didn’t show a lack of care out of consideration of her wishes.

Sorry to hear this: I can relate. For my 50th, my husband enlisted the kids ( primary age at the time) a week before and they all ‘chose’ a present together. It was a f” cling candy floss maker on a cart . A large one, wheel barrow sized. It was at a time where our son was not eating well and I was in a battle with my husband about not giving him sweets. I have never really eaten candy floss. . If my husband has suggested it for our family I world have emphatically said no due to size/ storage/ pointlessness and just that I don’t bloody want one.

As the kids had been enlisted I felt that I had to smile and say thanks. What I wish I had done is day thanks, but it’s not quite my thing and I will change it. As it is we still have it and it gets used by the kids occasionally . I should have gone away for the next weekend!

i know what you mean about victim blaming for being sad or pointing out the shortfall from expectations. I would have a word with each individually and yes, go off next weekend by yourself/ with girlfriends and properly enjoy yourself.

The only person who is going to advocate for you in life is you. Why did you do all the chores while they sat on screens? And make a meal AND clean up? No wonder you're upset; they treat you like a maid and don't even give you a day off on your birthday. Put a stop to it today as your 50th birthday present to yourself. x

I think travelling back from holiday on your birthday sent a signal that you weren’t too bothered about it TBH. It’s a shame you couldn’t have arranged your dates to have a clear gap between the two or (ideally) to be on holiday on the day itself. The last day of hols is always a bit rubbish, it was never going to be a lovely day of treats and leisurely meals. Agree with PP, tell your family you’re going to celebrate next weekend instead, with or without them. Happy birthday 🎉

I’m afraid in these situations I have found I need to plan ahead because otherwise it will be exactly as you describe!

Could you say something like “I was a bit sad we didn’t get to do anything special for my 50th birthday- can we go out next weekend for a meal?” (or whatever you would like to do). The reaction to that may tell you a lot, but better than stewing in silence.

Our holiday rental ends on my birthday this year, so I’ve said I don’t want to spend my birthday flying home - I’ve booked an Airbnb near the airport for the night so we can go out for a meal and make a day of it

If you want a special day, plan it yourself. That has always been my attitude. Avoids disappointment!

@cornflowerblue32 Im sorry you had a crap 50th. Just wondering what you do fotmr DH for his big birthday's?
In future match his energy.

I think you should have suggested a meal if you wanted one, especially as it’s a full day coming back from holiday. But we don’t do big birthdays and wedding anniversaries in our house, so to me YABU. As pp said, speak up if you want something.