50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

Hi OP. Tell your husband his present was naff and you want a proper present in a week plus a nice dinner out and a cake. Be specific about what you want because he isn’t going to suddenly morph into someone who gets it.

Failing that you go away for minimum three nights somewhere you love by yourself. Don’t ask him. Book it then tell him. Go off and enjoy.

Im sorry your DH and families actions made you feel so awful on your 50th Birthday. Is this usual behaviour from them around birthdays ?
Have you ever discussed your expectations regarding birthdays with your DH?Do you make effort on his birthday?

No wonder you’re upset OP. Rubbish gifts and no special meal just holiday washing . I’d be pissed too , women deserve to be appreciated and your family didn’t show that . I’m not sure it was a great decision to arrive back from holiday on your birthday though .

Glad your birthday was the non event you wanted, due to settling in to a new decade. People clearly knew you and ensured your birthday was your way.

Pity OP didn’t get the same respect for her birthday, being how she wanted.

A really awful birthday but your husband doesn't sound very nice.
He likes to belittle and dismiss your concerns.
Not nice.

I arrived back from holidays yesterday and there was washing, but i wasn't doing it alone and I sure as shit didn't cook AND clean up.

You sound like a down trodden doormat.
It really is a thankless role.

You need to think about how you are treated and how you are feeling generally.

This is your one life and you are not being treated well at all.

Let that be your birthday to yourself.
Re evaluating what you tolerate.

Have you friends and family to visit?

If so schedule so trips away by yourself and leave your ungrateful children, an unkind husband to figure it out.

Time for you do a lot less for all of them.

Where do you live OP? It’s my 50th coming up too - if you’re down south we could raise a glass 😂. I’m thinking of doing a spa day for mine.

Well, it is crap of them. But you chose to do laundry and cooking. I find that astounding. Why did you do that? I’d have not done it at all.

A desk fan. A DESK FAN??

Hi @cornflowerblue32 I love my birthday (was yesterday) and also love everyone else's. The birthday disappointment threads on here always make me a bit sad.

I wonder what the OP did for their partner and is usually a lot more.
Because of MN I have made doubly sure that my boys go with me to buy and choose presents so they enjoy it .

Anyway, quick google found this:

"For the best puffin-watching holiday in the UK, visit between mid-April and July when they nest on coastal islands and cliffs. Top destinations include Skomer Island in Wales, the Farne Islands in Northumberland, and Bempton Cliffs in Yorkshire, where thousands of charismatic puffins gather during peak breeding season."

I'd makes your 50th celebrating your 50th year . Get the credit card out and go see puffins

Happy 50th from a random man on the internet xx

My husband was like this and my children can be too. I left him. I just didn’t exist as a person in terms of birthdays and it made me really sad. Obviously, other issues there too which is why I walked away.

But, seriously, a desk fan for your 50th birthday?!!

I took myself off to the Canadian Rockies for my 50th. I’m 54 now - seems like 5 minutes ago!!

If I were you I would book a holiday abroad by yourself or with friends

Do you not chat in the weeks/months leading up to your birthday to plan what you might want to do? DH and I would be bookings the things in that we wanted to do - takeaway on the day/drinks with friends/seeing family/weekend away, etc.

Oh @cornflowerblue32 id be upset too
even coming back off holiday, your partner could have booked a table somewhere, or ordered a nice takeout or something? I’d buy yourself a nice gift and organise a belated event with some girlfriends and sod the lot of them!

I'd have been completely underwhelmed too, particularly as it was your 50th. You should have pointed them in the direction of their unpacking/ washing and if they couldn't make the effort to prepare a birthday meal then it would have been a takeaway. They behaved like this because you let them.

Your kids are old enough that I would have expected to sit with tea or a cocktail while they did all of that unpacking and tidying with dh and dinner.
my husband is a bit average with birthdays, my next milestone is my 50th. He didn’t really allow any time for me to celebrate my 40th, I pointed this out, booked a couple of nights away for the weekend he told me I couldn’t plan anything and said he could come if he could sort childcare, which he sprinted to do. However he hasn’t really learnt, and i will be doubling down on my 50th, there won’t be an opportunity for him to come along on what I book if he’s being a bit shit. I love time on my own and that’s what I’ll have.

In that case I would ask everyone when we are going out for dinner to celebrate, as you haven't really celebrated today in between you doing all the washing and post holiday jobs. Put it on a family chat and wait for the replies.

It sounds like this is much bigger than your birthday if they all go off on screens while you do everything. You need to stop automatically doing everything.

Unless DC are primary age or younger just make quick and easy food for you and do your own thing like go for a walk or read a book until they get the message that the laundry, dinner and washing up fairy no longer exists.

How awful @cornflowerblue32 . I don't know why you did all the chores alone? You need to speak up! They're taking you for a mug. And if dcs say you're grumpy say yes I am and so I should be. H is crap too.

Take @RareJoker up on their offer and have a spa day. Or go and do something nice with friends. Take h's credit card and get yourself something nice whilst out.

Absolutely not unreasonable OP, although the timing of the holiday with your birthday wasn't great. Whose idea was it to travel back that day? And did the washing really need to be done immediately?

Your DH dropped the ball massively though. He should've got you a special present and taken you out for dinner. To let you slave away on your birthday rather than celebrating properly is really shit!

Totally agree with an earlier post, tell them your birthday was utterly crap and you want to re-do it.

It's hard to tell because it seems badly planned because of the holiday. If possible I'd have wanted a birthday breakfast. Then we would have planned what we are doing for dinner and even if winding down, it would have been a takeaway and a film. Birthdays mean a lot to me, so I'm proactive in mine. He sounds shit, my DP's Birthday is at the end of the month and I've been asking him what he possibly wants to do, I have to be led by his health. How your birthday went is skating around the real issue of not being able to talk to him, without the denial and him getting defensive and nasty. Dud your children just get out if the way? They have got the situation summed up, your your DD has. You've decided to live with it, you can't expect your children to get in the middle or do anything that would set him off. They are probably counting down until they can leave.

Even if it wasn’t your birthday that’s out of order leaving you to do everything! I certainly wouldn’t have cooked for any of them

Firstly Happy Birthday

Secondly I think you need to ask yourself some questions

1. Why did you feel obliged to sort out everything for the family and what would have happened if you had sat on the sofa with a cuppa saying “I’m not sorting anything on my birthday”?
2. Do you feel able to ask for what you want and what happens when you do?
3. Do you have an equal partnership and do you feel your DH and DC respect you?

I hesitated to post the questions because I think you will turn them inwards rather than looking outwards. I don’t think you are the problem here. I think you have lost your voice and status in the family (if you ever had it).

I wouldn’t suggest having a big “talk” with the family unless to are really sure they would listen respectfully. Instead I would seriously consider getting some individual support eg counselling or therapy to allow you get see what is really going on and work out if it is salvageable and if you want to salvage it.

Is anyone else's family like this?
No, because I've always communicated to my loved ones that I love birthdays and want to celebrate them. Why on Earth didn't you call everyone back and tell them, "right, are you lot really going off and leaving me to do laundry on my birthday? Not happening. Since you're all so inconsiderate, I'm taking myself out to a nice dinner and you can all sort your own laundry out". It's a shame you took the martyr route.

Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th?
No, I'd expect more for any random birthday. You really did have a shit birthday. Your husband's gifts sound awful. Some people suck at buying presents, I get that. But if you know this to be true of your husband, why not tell him the categories you prefer? I.e jewellery, handbags, flowers, etc. At least it'll give him some direction...

what you think?
I think you need to have a chat with your family to discuss expectations around birthdays. You need to tell them how upset you were about how your birthday went down, and that it isn't okay. How would they like it if they had a similar birthday? Maybe they'll actually tighten their cheeks and try to make it up to you. But they first need to know that they did wrong.

Birthdays are such a minefield. For some people, making a big deal of gift giving and birthday celebration is a language of love. For others, they are nothing important. It doesn't mean you are not important, just the birthday. I'm in the latter camp and really don't want to offend anyone, I try really hard with people's birthdays and it stresses me out endlessly to know they will read all sorts into it. I think you have to be very specific about what you would like and just appreciate that it doesn't come naturally to everyone.