50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

Was your holiday a 50th celebration holiday? I'm wondering if you went out for dinner/days out while on holiday to celebrate your birthday. If that's the case then I imagine your family thought they'd done enough and they were home and just wanted to get back to normal. Not saying that makes it OK that they didn't organise anything for you and leave you to all the washing. Also no excuse for your Dad either!

I agree with pps take yourself off somewhere - even for a day to your favourite cinema/garden centre/museum - have a solo lunch, take a book to read and have a lovely day. We don't always need other people around us to celebrate ourselves.

Congratulations. That does sound a bit shit with lack of thought and care. Plan a series of fun mini treat /celebrations for yourself whatever you fnacy: lunches out with friends, massages, puffining etc.

Single parent here and I made sure to organise my own outing with friends, meal and drinks. I also gave my kids ‘pocket money’ and took them to my favourite shop and guided them towards the door 😁. They then chose a card and present to give me on the day.

I knew from experience that if I didn’t they’d be clueless. I think sometime they just see you as ‘Mum’. Not a person with feelings. I think it’s now taught them expectations around family gift-giving and that they’re old enough and responsible for keeping their end up. They also enjoyed the feeling of giving, particularly my daughter who now tends to over buy (cheap) now😬

I agree with saying to the family they are getting a second chance to have a celebration weekend and if it isn't to your liking you will be going on a spa weekend and they will have to cook, clean and wash their clothes, dry them so the weekend they arrange needs to be one that is worthy. So they could arrange a takeaway of your choice and then have a rota for cleaning dishes. The Saturday could be a meal out and Sunday they could cook for you and make sure clothes are handled. They have not shown much effort yet. You could say to your DH you will be wanting some jewellery so he gets a big hint. Tell them that the effort they put in will be followed on their birthdays in future so if little effort is made then you can treat them the same. I would think a far better effort will be made if you keep to that.

A bloody desk fan? YANBU!! It's a big birthday, they should have done something special for you. As for posters saying you should have arranged it for yourself, don't be so ridiculous! If he can't even show effort for a half a century birthday, then it shows he cares very little at all! Im sorry OP you were let down, and it sounds like you have deeper problems in your marriage from what other posters have said.

Sorry op that’s just rubbish! Your DH should have at least cooked dinner or organised a takeaway! How old are your DC ( only read the op sorry)? You are entitled to feel upset at their thoughtlessness! Do something nice for yourself now! A day out somewhere lovely or treat yourself to a beauty treatment/ massage, new outfit or something else that would make you happy!

This is true. I would have declared to the family at 4pm ‘Right you lot. If you think I’m cooking a meal for you lot on the night of my 50th birthday you’ve got another thing coming, get dressed, we’re going out!!’

I would have used much fouler language than that - but the puffin badge makes me think you’re a much kinder, softer person than me.

Really sorry, OP. Coming back from holiday isn’t an excuse for their behaviour. Unfortunately they are taking your husband’s lead on how to treat you and he sounds like an arsehole. It was your 50th for goodness sake! Definitely do something nice for yourself and make sure they all know it’s because you turned 50.

Having said all this, I unfortunately have no recollection of what we did for my mum’s 50th (I was early 20s) many years ago. But I do love and value her deeply and have made memorable efforts for subsequent birthdays . Those you love the most are the most disappointing when they go wrong.

I find I have to be quite explicit about what I'd like to do on my birthday. As I generally don't do much for my own birthday I also assume unless told otherwise that others feel the same.

So I'd tell them that you were a bit sad to spend your birthday doing laundry and say "I want to do something today today instead - let's play Scrabble after dinner" (or whatever).

How about giving them a learning opportunity and getting a proper b’day by stealth?
”Well DFamily, it seems I have taken to much of the organisational role for birthdays and you haven’t had sufficient opportunity to learn how to celebrate people. To help you build these skills we’re going to re-schedule MY 50th!!! to 1/2 weeks time, to give you a chance to practice showing someone you care about their milestone birthday. I look forward to seeing what you plan.”

Well I wouldn’t have martyred myself by cooking for starters. I would have said “really you haven’t booked anything or planned to cook? Ok I’m choosing the take out then”. Stop being a doormat!

Aw that’s a shame x

My 50th was Ok but my 40th was awful. My mum and dad had given me money and they looked after our kids who were 7 and 4 then, I spent the money on a weekend away with my husband. I don’t know if it was something I had eaten the night before but I spent the night before my birthday throwing up. He gave me my present and it was a bra and pants set from Bravissimo and on the journey home I couldn’t stop crying. He thought it was just as I’d been sick so I explained that no, I’d spent all my birthday money treating him and all he gIt me was a bra and pants which made me feel very unspecial so he took the hump at that too. Treat yourself to something nice x

And that's great if that's what you like. This approach doesn't work for the OP.

I hope you give them the biggest menopause shit for the next 10 years.
If this happened to me Id simply down tools cook for myself, do my own washing only and so on and so forth and tell them what neglectful shits they are.
I would certainly be talking all of them over dinner how upset you are about your 50th. You just cannot let that one go. Tell them how deeply hurt you are that they made zero effort for you.
But then again you may not want to take my advice. Ive been married and divorced three times.

The first post summed it up, he's a thoughtless oath.

Do it.

I made my mind up years ago that once a year I'm going to do exactly what I want for my birthday. Doesn't matter when in the year it is. My 50th I spent at my BILs funeral but my actual birthday celebration for myself wasn't until 7 months later.

Your husband sounds like bit of a dick though. I hope you return that energy for his special days.

You don't have to take up the reins. Delegate to your household, be loud about it and go do something for yourself.

Happy birthday OP!!! Who will help you celebrate this weekend?! Sometimes family are shit. It doesn't mean they don't love you but they let you down. Not okay. Can you ask your DH to help you celebrate and organise a dinner? Girlfriends? You need atwast cake, and bubbly, and big fuck off helium 50 balloons. Otherwise, spa day OP and tell them to fuck off.

Happy birthday OP! Having read your last thread, your best birthday present to yourself would be an appointment with a solicitor to look into divorce proceedings against your bully of a husband. And maybe some therapy for yourself! Invest in yourself from now on.

Everyone was tired? Well so were you ! And it was your birthday! And yet you still got stuck with: I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. While they sat on their screens.

WTF?!

I would have unplugged the damn wifi and taken the router.

This, x 💯

Yes I don t understand why you did these jobs when you returned. That said I would not have travelled home on my birthday - did you not have any scope to be away on your birthday ? My wedding anniversary was in July and when booking the flights DH and I choose to fly back the day after so we could celebrate with a lovely meal overseas .

as for the fan - my DH would have been wearing it ( luckily he is not bad at presents and if he gets stuck asks for ideas)

I haven’t read your other threads that posters are referring to , I’m sorry but it sounds like the birthday isn’t the only thing

Do book something lovely for yourself for next weekend - spoil yourself

This is like my birthday every year. It’s absolutely not right but that’s the way it is. I’m a single parent, the children are old enough to buy their own presents for me but last time my daughter bought me a £1 tub of moisturiser. They are incredibly thoughtless. My mother usually forgets so I tend to take the dog out & usually spend it alone because it’s better than the alternative shitshow of thoughtlessness. Sorry you didn’t have a nice day on your birthday.

Your DH's attitude is disgusting and quite clearly dripping with resentment at having to make any effort whatsoever.

I suggest booking an incredibly expensive weekend trip to a 5* spa hotel, indulge in as many pampering treatments as possible, buy yourself some nice outfits, and when your darling husband finds out how much it cost, you can point out that you wouldn't have blown all that money in the first place, had he made a proper effort to celebrate you.

Oh and go by yourself - under no circumstances do you tell him about the trip. This is a solo trip just for you. Let him stay home and parent solo.

Yea, washing, cooking and cleaning for everyone. That's the perfect way to spend your 50th Birthday.

You may be joyless enough to have a great birthday doing all that but some people actually like to have fun in life. Try it, it's not so bad.