She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

Could she bring a friend as a plus one? Would take the pressure off you.

No DD not allowing any random plus ones

Just leave her to it, better that you cope with any of her nonsense backlash after the event than entertain any of it on the day itself. Dont give with the oxygen on the day, just smile and ignore it.

What other family members will be there, do you have any brothers or sisters going, i would just put someone else in charge of her for the wedding with strict instructions to keep her in check, you’re already assisting her getting there so why shouldn’t you enjoy your day.

You’ll have to make it clear that you have a lot of jobs as MOB so can’t spend a lot of time looking after her, and perhaps assign a relative the job of companion at least until after the dinner.

Is there no other family to help out? Brothers, sisters, aunts, cousins?? A close family friend that could be roped in to just keep her off your back?

No, no other family sadly
i am an only child as is my mother

I know my Ds’s will help but they need to enjoy their sisters wedding too

I dunno. There’s obviously a history here but it seems unreasonable to let an 81 year old get public transport and fend for herself at a family wedding.

can’t she come to you the day of or the day before and drive down with you? Then it’s not a few days and the “waiting on her” will be minimal, couple of cups of tea and a takeaway. Probably easier than someone having to pick her up from the train station.

how will your Ds’s helping out mean they can’t enjoy the wedding? They just need to help her to her seat, introduce her to her table, and check in on her now and again. If there’s more than one it’s not an odious job between them.

make you life easier, and hers.

I mean i’d like to think shes not that horrible that she would want to ruin a special wedding day, maybe just have a word in her ear, ‘if you ruin the day for any of us we’ll
just leave you here and you can find your own way home’, and your life will be very lonely in the future. Try to be nice just for one day!

She lives 3.5 hours from us
we live 2.5 hours from london
we have to take 2 cars as we are 6 people travelling

not as simple as picking her up and putting her in the car

She can’t come the day before as she can’t get a direct train to us and everyone works full time

And it won’t just be helping her to the table
have you ever dealt with a narcissist?

I appreciate that to those with normal parents I probably sound awful, but I’ve had 51 years of it and it’s not fun

It could be as simple as arranging a chauffeur driver car to collect her and deliver her to the venue.

Does she have funds for that level of luxury?

But she offered to come to yours a few days before to travel down together, which you refused?

is it easier for her to travel to yours or straight to London? Is it easier for you if she comes to yours and travel with you, than it is for someone to take time out their day to pick her up at the station? If it’s London presumably she’s coming into one of the big central stations, they can be a pita to get to. Or are you expecting her to get the tube/train:bus from central London to the wedding?

6 people in 2 cars leaves room if she can get to yours?

She sounds very trying. Tell her fascinators are naff anyway.

It does sound awful to suggest a train and no help reaching up to put a fascinator on at 81...if someone has mobility problems, normal ageing at that stage.

The lunches ..no doubt she knows where she is going and that it is accessible for her...very different from a railway journey.

I think the option of having someone to support her, not you, is a good one

You have my sympathy, my elderly narc mum was unpleasant on my wedding day but my friends had been forewarned and were watching ready to pounce. Can a few of DD’s pals take it in turns to chat to her and keep her neutralised?

If I couldn’t put a fascinator on I just wouldn’t wear one.

She’s 81. She must have plonked things on her head a good few times over the years…

@Yetanotherone12 if you RTFL we are picking her up from the train in London so DP will be waiting on the platform

she can’t get a direct train to us which means someone has to take time off work to drive a 2 hr round trip to the station she will travel to

3 adults in a Mini Cooper with 3 lots of luggage for the weekend doesn’t leave any room

You’ve told her plans and thats that. You are not leaving her alone, you’ve said your DP will walk her to the venue. Presume you’ll be in the venue with her the night before? You can do her fascinator before you leave in the morning.

Your focus is on helping your DD, maybe have a word with DP and see if he can be your mums “baby sitter” for the day.

Get her an uber instead of the train, then assign some unfortunate soul to be her companion for the day.

@Rothburypixiewe are staying in a different hotel for the weekend
Dd is in one the night before the wedding and im
meeting her in the morning

my mother will be at our hotel with us for 2 nights and DP will be on her arm mostly as he has a lot more patience

(are you from Rothbury?)

Sympathies OP. My MIL is a horrible narcissist and it was so hard to bat everything back on the run up to the wedding. DH hasn’t spoken to her since the wedding day (turned up in a full white gown).

Does DS have a partner? My SIL was an absolute godsend on my wedding day when it came to wrestling her away from doing insane stuff.

i can’t get her an uber from where she lives to London
it would be ££££££