She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

This. If there aren’t any random plus ones then look through the relatives who are coming on their own and assign them a time slot to keep an eye on her!

I'm not sure what you want anyone to suggest @princesspadam

People have said get someone else to help you, as as you shouldn't need to do everything for her, and have to get her and fetch and carry for her, and you're mother of the bride, and have too much to do etc... And you're like 'yeah but there's no-one else. I am an only child and so is she,' and 'no-one else in the entire extended family can help. She can't come the day before, we've got such a tiny car, she can't we can't they can't, can't can't cant...'

People have made suggestions, but you're shaking your head at all of them.

As I said, I don't know what you're looking for in this thread.

Looks like you're going to have to suck it up I think. You can do little else. She is rather old, and can't really be expected to do all the travel on her own. At least she is meeting you halfway a bit, and coming to London where you can pick her up.

And I certainly don't think you should be assigning some poor unfortunate soul to her as a pp suggested. She is your mother. You need to step up. If she was such a monster, surely your daughter wouldn't be inviting her to the wedding!

You have my sympathy. Some people just want to be the centre of attention and suck the joy out of anything that does not involve them.

I agree you need to set boundaries, you know her in a way we never will but have a care for her age as I can pretty much guarantee that if something happens whilst she is alone on her journey, she will make sure you are the villain and she will spoil your day and dine out on it for her remaining years.

Fellow daughter of a narcissist here, so I absolutely feel your pain and those posters on here saying “awww don’t be mean she’s a sweet old lady” (not quoting verbatim obviously) just do not get it, unfortunately.

My sister and I have been in this situation many times and I think the only thing you can do, as some of the other posters have said, is have absolutely firm boundaries, stick to them, and give zero oxygen to any bad behaviour. Grey rock all the way.

Plenty of people aged 82 use public transport and manage fine. There will be many people who can help her with her fascinator once she arrives at the venue. The day is not about her, it’s about your DD and her partner.

I hope you’re able to focus on DDs wedding and that you all have a fabulous day.

Surely DP will be fulfilling his father of the bride role. Find another sucker friendly face for her.

You mean all the way from her own house to the wedding in a chauffeur driven car. That would be over the top expensive. Not remotely feasible imho.

I understand absolutely. You have my sympathy. I have found the 'grey rock' method hugely helpful in dealing with my mother. I'm 61. She's 87.

Urgh it’s a shame DD invited her. Can you pay for a companion for everything apart from the actual wedding.

Will be expensive but worth it?

A fascinator does not need a lot of fixing. At 81 people often get very anxious doing something which is not in their usual routine, so concerns about the train may be real. Derailing a wedding is however quite easy to do, so you will have to be very mindful of how you handle her.

You're not unreasonable at all

No I am not, but have wonderful childhood memories there.

Enjoy your daughters special day!

Will have a look at ‘grey rock’

DP is not FOB

i don’t think there is any answer to it, maybe I just wanted to vent and get some reasonable suggestions that might help

Well she’s an adult and she’s clearly not been a nice mum to earn her DD helping her. She can book train assistance if needed and fascinators aren’t a requirement

Do you have a friend that can keep an eye on her? I come from a long line of mad old bats, who can't understand that everything isn't about them, and have spent many a wedding wrangling them on behalf of various relatives.

I think it would be fair to say to her, you've had your turn, this is not your turn. I am going to need you to go with the flow on this one and fall in line with the plans we make that work best for everyone involved.

She won't like it, but you'll suffer either way, you might as well set your stall out clearly.

On the face of it you are asking your older mother to do a lot by herself.
But it seems like there is a significant backstory and some of this is your mother's chickens coming home to roost.
Is there anyone else who can help manage her at the venue? Your dd must know what she is like, when she was thinking through the wedding what was her solution?
We set up extra family monitors for our problematic family member and they brought a friend.

I could have written your post. Good luck OP. Stick to your boundaries. If it's not the fascinator, it will be something else.

She'll probably have chest pains on the day. Or suspected cancer.

Does your daughter definitely want her there ? I’d be tempted to rescind the invitation.

I think you need to find another person to babysit her for the day to be honest. Is your dd aware of how difficult she is? If it were me I'd be OK with you selecting someone to attend to be her babysitter if it meant my parents could relax and enjoy my wedding. You'll be really busy on the day too greeting people, photos, maybe helping dd with things, a lot of times if there's any wee issues that crop up venues will go to moh of parents of the bride before bothering the bride and groom. So it does sound like she will need a person who can be her person. Could you speak to your dd about it and ask if there is anyone on the guest list already your dd thinks would be good for that role or anyone she would be comfortable having along?

If not then I think you need to be extremely clear with her that this is your dds wedding day, as mob you will have responsibilities you need to attend to and your dd will rightly be your priority on the day. So she needs to either go with that expectation of the day, or if that feels unmanageable then she gives it a miss. She is not your responsibility though I understand how difficult that can be to do in practice especially when they're elderly.

About £300 for a 4 hour hire

A lot being… get a train and put on her own hat.

That is not a lot considering she goes on holiday by herself.

You just say Mum if you ruin my daughters wedding for me I'll never speak to you again. Your only job is to smile and enjoy seeing your grand daughter get married.

At 81 could she be more vulnerable/struggle more than you are aware? I understand that she can go out to lunch and has been on holiday, but unless she has only just been on holiday with no help or support while there, mobility and health issues can change quickly, especially at her age. Clearly there's a huge backstory and I understand that you would rather keep her at a distance, which is fine - I'm just offering a different persepctive on what might be behind it. A wedding day with a long train ride either end is different to going on holiday or going out to lunch.

Seems like an odd way to treat your elderly mum tbh but I do understand that there’s a back story here.

Fascinator headband and then it’s easy to put on. She can use the train ride to practice.

Turn it back on her and ask her solution, put her in a position of sounding like a cow when you counteract it…. “So DM instead of helping DD into her dress on her wedding day you want me to miss that mother daughter moment to do your hair clip?” “Instead of having annual leave for our holiday this year you want me to take the day off to drive you instead of you sitting on a train, even though the train is more comfortable?”

I had 3 witnesses. One had quite advanced cancer, another had heart problems..."D" mother was fit as a fiddle...which one needed medical attention. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️