She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

DH’s mother was a fully paid up narc. Luckily on her only child’s wedding day she was busy and couldn’t attend, we couldn’t have been happier!

Agree with others, if you haven’t exposed to this kind of treatment, it’s hard to understand the trauma and mind games that have long lasting impact far beyond the actual events.

Can she stay overnight? I wouldn't have requested my 81 year old grandmother to travel on the train alone to an event, particularly in busy London (I work and commute in London) and she was very independent. Maybe it would be better to book her a hotel room nearby so that she can take her time arriving the day before and she has her own space? Then the extended family can meet her at the hotel and walk / travel from there to the wedding venue ?
I think there is probably more to it than OP original explanation.

She’s staying 2 nights
in a hotel with all of us
near to the venue / DDs hotel
she had her own space
DP will walk her to the venue

so all of that it already covered

You have a good plan, she will get there by train. Offer to contact the station on the other end to arrange assistance if she insists she won’t manage. Your DP can take one for the team. Enjoy the day.

I would suggest you stick with your plan.
When Mother arrives at the wedding hopefully there will be enough going on to keep her entertained.
I wish your daughter - and you - a wonderful, special day.
Best wishes.

@DraigCymraeg thank you 🙂

I'm sure it will be fine.
Bless you xxx

She does sound like a nuisance though. I presume that she would have totally kicked off if she hadn't been invited, although it would have been much better for everyone else at the wedding, particularly OP, if she hadn't been.

Some elderly people go to great lengths not to be a burden on their adult children and grandchildren and others go to great lengths to be as difficult and entitled as they can be.

Yes. Narc mothers can sometimes be a bit nicer to their grandchildren. You obv have no idea

it is nothing to do with being grumpy.
You have no idea!

I'm guessing she will have to get luggage on and off the train with her? At 81 that does sound tricky.

She sounds a lot like my aunt who is extremely hard work and likes to ruin all big events that are not about her. For my siblings wedding we had a small group of friends who could talk the hind end off a donkey and could also flatter her and take 0 shit at the same time and it worked well as they could swap out as need be. She actually behaved and everyone had a good day.

Mine too, had a face like a smacked ar*e on all the photos and insisted on carrying a carrier bag

I have and you're right to keep her at arms length and not indulge her. She will suck the life out of the day with attention seeking given half a chance. My own narcissist experience involved a lot of illness in the form of attention seeking. You have busy lives and this day is all about your daughter not her. Put her on a table somewhere with people willing to listen to the constant stream of me, me, me and enjoy a few hours as MOB. You probably deserve it if my experience was anything to go by. You have to experience narcissists to appreciate how draining they are. Have a great day

Why are you treating your elderly mother like a 60 year old? She shouldn't be travelling alone and it wouldn't hurt you to help her with her fascinator and guide her arm etc. You're so selfish.

I presume Op is wanting to be with her DD and get ready herself as MOB (may be getting hair and makeup done) rather than running around after her mum who she has a fraught relationship with.
I think as long as the Mum is met and chaperoned by dp she’s fine it’s not like Op is leaving her alone. Assistance for train can be booked.
I’m sure a few guests would be happy to make sure gran is ok if dd asks them. There’s often lulls and people often like to feel useful.

Possibly because she's dealt with her mother and her behaviour for her whole life, and understanding this particular kind of torment is not easy unless you have experienced it.

Reaping what you sow is a reality.

You do not understand

Again though, she should be having the conversation with the bride.

if she wants her there, she needs to understand o/p won’t facilitate that. So if she chooses to still invite her, the bride needs to delegate the responsibility to someone else.

should have been discussed and arranged before the invites were sent.

I absolutely agree. This is what many people don't seem to realise - no one is owed respect just because they're older. Respect is earned and when you've had a whole life time to earn respect, but you haven't managed it, then that's on you.

My parents were horrific to me as a child and young adult. My mother continues to be, yet the penny hasn't dropped that her behaviour will directly impact how I treat her.

What’s shame she knows about the wedding I totally understand that she could enjoy ruining it and so there must be someone who loves your daughter enough to babysit the narcissist. She needs to have someone with her stuck like glue who can manage her and tell her how wonderful she is. She will have to be treated better than the bride or can you stop her from attending. It is your daughter’s day and your mother will never respect that. Either tell her the wedding date has been moved or get a bodyguard on her who will totally pander to her every whim. Honestly you’re amazing for inviting her. It’s not worth the terrible risk of an emotional scene.

I think everything under tge sun has now been suggested. It's getting tedious.

I don’t think there’s any need for that, it sounds as though OP has an idea of a plan but really just wanted to offload a bit. Those of us with difficult relatives get that and those that just want to be nasty or call her selfish when they’ve no idea what it’s like should probably just butt out.