She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

Yes this they can help her with luggage and finding her seat etc.

She can get a taxi from the station to wherever she needs to be surely, but it would be useful and helptid she were allowed to bring a friend on the provision they helped her for the day. Surely the cost of one more dish of food would be worth it??

Why? It's not her problem. If she's got a poor relationship with her mother, that's on her mother. Nobody owes anybody a relationship. Her focus should be on her daughter - on her daughter's wedding day!

To a certain extent though, this is the problem with smaller families in that there's no sibling either of the mum or the OP who can take over elderly babysitting duties here. But it's not by default the OP's problem - or it shouldn't be, anyway.

Yes, the OP should totally get some poor unfortunate soul to look after her narc mum! Do you know any narcissists? I know some who are lovely - a bit stubborn and annoying, I'll grant you - they just aren't lovely to their DD/DDIL. Even if she's one of those people who is nasty to everybody, it won't be as triggering for a stranger, distant relative or acquaintance as it would be for her DD, who's had a lifetime of being scapegoated by the old bat.

I didn't say she was abandoned i said it might feel like abandonment to her, so the op son has offered to help out his gran so I suggested the op take him up on the offer, the op doesn't like her mother for her own reasons so if her grandson takes over then it takes the pressure off the op,

Yes - Your 81yo mother with Narc traits is going to try ruin your daughters wedding day for you. It will be sport for her.

Try block her ruining the day by (on the day) doing the "Grey Rock Method" and letting your DP take as much of the burden as he can. Walking away is always an option. You don't even need an excuse. Just walk away. Before the wedding perhaps get some therapy to help process and vent... so you can start with as little frustration as possible. And you could have a therapy sessions after to debrief. Perhaps a plan to debrief with a therapist later would help you store her nonsense to process later with some feeling of humour. If she does wind you up, or cause a small scene... try stay calm and remember you are going through this stress to give your daughter what she wants.

You are a stronger person than me to be low contact instead of no contact. Best of luck

Narcissist or not, a vulnerable 81 year old IS going to need a bit of support at this wedding. My mum was a Narcissist btw, so i fo understand. On the other hand imo you are coming across a bit passive aggressive on this one. Of course she needs help.

I think I'd talk to your dd about allowing your mum a plus one.

Her having a companion is your best bet at things going smoothly.

Ideally it would be someone she would be on best behaviour with, that she admires or wants to schmooze.

You need a companion.

I had this issue and knew the old witch would have my mother running round after her instead of letting her enjoying her only daughters hopefully only wedding day.

I found an excellent expensive companion service and was clear i needed a smiley but tough as boots carer to mind my narc elderly female relative and keep her in check. She was SO fucled off bur couldnt say anything because it.was.all preemptively about world thoughtful I was

Best money i ever spent 👌

You said the Op was unreasonably leaving her mother to get to the venue alone, which isn't correct. The opening post says that the DP and the rest of the family will escort her from the hotel to the venue.

My MIL is single so we invited her best mate to our wedding. It was hardly a "random plus one".

I would never have done this to my mother. Show her some compassion.

For those of us who have never experienced a mother like this - its easy to say to say, show some compassion.

You can't dismiss someone's experience just because its not yours.

Who invited the narcissistic grandmother?. That person should now rescind her invitation as the narcissist will make it all about her somehow if not on the day itself. She’s already being a pita with her fascinator and making her way to the wedding venue. She wants you to facilitate it because in her head that’s your job. She’s far too important to worry about the likes of you and you are supposed to put her needs first with your own dead last.

It is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and your mother is truly not worth bothering about.

And stop with just tolerating her too like your daughter does. That action does you both no favours at all.

It is really normal to assign people to deal with difficult family members at a wedding, and it is really normal to have difficult family members at a wedding.

The bride is no doubt aware of all of this and it’s her day, and the OP has multiple times she’s the only person who can help. So yes, it is her problem. If it is genuinely too much for her to manage he needs to speak to the happy couple about allowing her to get a companion in for her mother, as multiple people have already suggested.

Of course, if the narcissism goes both ways, neither party will be willing to give up being the victim of the other.

I'd go with the Let Them Theory - let her be a moany douchebag and let you do exactly what you planned to do all along.

She's moaning that no one will help with her fascinator? Let her moan. Let her find someone (sounds like there are plenty of other people) to put it in her hair or just not wear a fascinator.

Then let you carry on with going to your daughter in the morning and doing the MOB thing.

Pre warn everyone who's relevant about her predicted behaviour and walk away from her. Smile and wave, kill it off by having a lovely time despite her.

There's one in every family OP and they love to kick off on family occasions where they're not the centre of attention! You have my sympathy. Do your best to ignore her shenanigans and let DP deal with her. Concentrate on making sure DD has a wonderful day and spending that special time with her. Tell yourself that no matter what your mother does, you're not going to let her ruin this day for you and steal your joy! Gulp down some ice cold champagne when the going gets tough!

Also, as MOB she will just be busy on the day.

I think we are at cross purposes I might have misunderstood but as I read it the grandson said he would help out, maybe he sees her as needing a bit more support , that is why he offered to take some of the heat off his own mum,

Could you hire a bigger car that would hold 4 adults and luggage?

My top tip is to delegate the second saying no to your husband. The trouble with being an only child is that you have no siblings to create a united front and show Mothers when they are unreasonable / needy / selfish. The only way I could deal with my Mother in the end was co opting DH as honorary sibling.

It is much easier for him to advocate for you - he comes from an angle of defending you rather than asserting your rights and generally speaking women of that generation take things better from a man.

Appalling I know. But needs must.

You have my utter sympathy. My mother ruined my neices wedding. She was in a wheelchair and then refused to come into the church. Said she would wait in the parking area.
We had a lively huge cousin who kicked off the brakes on the wheelchair and tried to push it. She dug her feet into the ground. He was forces to tip her backwards. I would have left her there but it was south africa and no one would leave an old person in the open.
She then loudly announces while the Vicar was reading the service "when is this fool going to shut up". FYI she's did not have dementia.
She then refused to come to the reception and one of the guests had to drive her home. I was visiting so did not have a car and no taxis.
My sister was in tears.
When I got home after the reception I went to her room and tore her a new one....she had the nerve to say " what did I do".
Do not give in
She is not important enough to ruin your daughters day, and much more complaining tell her to stay home.
Take it from one who knows.

Everything feels like abandonment for people like this. Having the DS will still feel like abandonment!

Narcissistic mother of my own - now departed - and I have every sympathy for you and very very little for your mother. She sounds like a professional victim, ready to pounce on anyone who will listen and can be coerced into sympathising with her imagined suffering.

If she can get out and about on a daily basis, she can get on a train. She/you can book a taxi to get her to the station. Easy enough to find someone to help her get onto the train, and DP will help her at the other end. DP already deserves many gold stars for tolerating her - he must already realise you don't have her genes for self-centredness!

If she can wash/brush/comb her hair, she can put a fascinator on, for heaven's sake.

This event may well be a good opportunity for her to be reminded that she isn't perpetually the centre of the universe.

Why is she invited? Does your daughter have a good relationship with her?

No one with a whisper of a chance of ruining the day should be invited to anyone's wedding, grandparent or not. Inviting her feeds the narcissism.
I'm assuming that it's too late to invite her now?