She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

It is very difficult if you have a mother that makes every event all about herself but a granddaughters wedding is a very special occasion for a grandma. She is getting herself to the event on her own, but train, which isn't bad going at 81. I'm thinking getting her case with wedding clothes on and off trains, finding somewhere on a busy train to store her luggage etc struggling to the loo with her hand luggage. All things fine at my age (74) but I know 81 year olds who would genuinely struggle...and feel a bit hurt that apart from meeting off the train there doesn't seem to be much help available.
I would go with your DH making himself as available as possible and trying to show her you like having her there and it isn't going to be a problem providing some support once she's there.
Hope you all have a great day 💐

I'd go with the Let Them Theory - let her be a moany douchebag and let you do exactly what you planned to do all along

This can work, right up to the point when the attention seeker realises they're still not getting what they wanted, and then other things can be brought into play

The "look after the daughter" won't last long if "D"grandmother announces she has chest pains, is going to pass out or whatever, and unfortunately I've known both things to be invented

A lot of people her age would like help, and why not let her get ready with you? It will be much nicer than her having to be on her own. She quite likely does have mobility issues-easy for people who don't have them to shrug them off, or say she manages holidays-but there's a big difference on a once in a lifetime (hopefully) day like a wedding, where she can't risk being late and struggline. Usually there's bridesmaids to help, so MOB has plenty of time to sort out other people-if there are no bridesmaids, see if any friendw
s can assist.

Would it help to hire a companion / chaperone for her for the day? There are a few companies who do it - a dedicated person to look after someone older at a wedding. Might take the pressure off you and your DS.

Because you try to do the right thing, because sometimes it’s just easier than causing more drama - I don’t know the OP’s situation but that’s how it would be for me.

Don’t put up with this nonsense - emphasise it’s your daughter’s day and you want to spend precious time with your daughter.
Be firm but pleasant….. perhaps say you’ll take mum out for lunch to peruse photos/memories of day etc.

Think I’d just say sorry mum it’s impossible to get you to the wedding but I’ll send you some pics/videos of the day.

I have just looked for an Uber from Walsall to central London £242....

Thank you for all the comments

I don’t think she’ll do anything awful but she will expect attention and pandering to as that’s how she’s lived her life

i think I’ll speak to dd about a plus one even if I pay for them

otherwise it’ll be DP to be a buffer which he’s very good at (I once heard her telling him how awful I was and he just shut her down)

Does your daughter want her at the wedding? Just curious.

Not your mum then was it. 🙄

I understand this entirely. Are you tempted to say the wedding is off and let her miss it? It’d be so wonderful if she wasn’t there to ruin the day!

And yet somehow, this 'narcissistic, soulless, attention vampire' has been invited to the OP's daughter's wedding. 🤔

Do you genuinely believe only pleasant people are invited to weddings?
No difficult person has ever been invited to a family gathering?
MN at Christmas is piled up with posters trying to accommodate awkward family members.

Would you be willing to pay for someone to formally be on duty to provide assistance and care for her (I appreciate this means an additional person, which it sounds like your DD is not keen on). I come from a family like this and I completely understand the position. I'm so sorry this is affecting the plans.

Edit: just RTFT and I see this has been suggested

Lol - so no difficult people are ever invited anywhere? You really are lucky.

That poster wasn't talking simply about 'difficult people.' But you knew that didn't you Lol.

@ProfessorofDarkArts if the OP's mum is so dreadful, and such an absolute monster, then why is she invited to her daughter's wedding?

1- it’s the dd who invited her, not the OP
2- my grand father was like that. And yes I invited him despite hoping all I could he wouldn’t turn up. I’m lucky that he didn’t (I got married in the U.K., I’m from another country). But not inviting him would have created mayhem. Months of attacks to me but also towards my dad. I mean not ringing him often enough led to my grand father saying he was going to cut me of his will and I was awful etc…. Not inviting him was just not an option.
The way problems are dealt with in the family run deep and will have affected tge way the dd is reacting, incl whether not inviting her gran was even an option (I suspect it isn’t and the dd has see a lifetime if seeing the OP somehow appeasing and handling the gran whilst still staying in touch).

And yet somehow, this 'narcissistic, soulless, attention vampire' has been invited to the OP's daughter's wedding. 🤔

@ILoveAGingerCat yep because not doing so means months of being berated, attacked etc…
Add the fact the OP is an only child so the only ‘family’.
Going NC isnt easy. It’s much complicated than saying ‘well if that person is so awful why do you still see them?’.

Hello, also from Walsall(well close to Walsall) would it not have been cheaper and maybe quicker to get a train than an Uber?

No one who hasn’t had a narcissistic mother can really understand how truly awful it is
And how they can truly affect our mental health.

You have to put up very strong boundaries.
Refuse to be manipulated and refuse to feel guilty.
Keep your distance.
Ignore her as much as possible.
keep out of her company as much as possible too. Luckily your husband can be a bit of a buffer.
Stay Strong.

If she’s an arsehole then why is she even invited.

You're grown now and you know exactly what she is, just drop her.

Could you get someone to do her hair and fascinator? although I guess that risks her moaning about the hair do not being to her taste.

I totally get this - my mother was the same. My DB unfortunately was diagnosed with terminal kidney and lung cancer and only lived for 4 months from diagnosis - he very strongly said he did not want DM at his funeral because she would make it all about her and derail the proceedings pretending to be ill again or something. We made sure anyone she could possibly persuade to drive her the 3 hours there was told she was not allowed to come.

So she arranged a separate very religious funeral service in our home city the same day (she was an atheist!!) so her cleaner, neighbours and anyone she ever knew could comfort her and fuss over her. She never once asked how he was while he was ill. My widowed SIL sent her flowers the following Mother’s Day which was really kind - she phoned her and complained about the quality!!

My DM spoilt every family event and holiday with her munchausen’s theatrics (she once shouted at the top of her voice “DB - I’VE GOT AN INFECTION IN MY VAGINA!!!” at my brother at our grandma’s (dad’s mum) 80th birthday lunch) and for years every holiday I went on included a phone call saying she was in hospital and not expected to last the night and it just gets to the point where you have to check out.

I feel for you OP. People who don't have a close relative who is a narcissist really don't understand. There actually is no real solution with these people as whatever you do they will make it about them. You could hire a golden carriage for her and she would still have a way of making the day about her. It is a shame your dd wants her there tbh. You could have held firm on an excuse why she couldn't come and then at least one of you will be happy. Hopefully she loves her gd enough to pull her head in during the day, but expect a list of complaints later on and just ignore them.