She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

as @ThreadGuardDog suggests, this is an exceptional case for a plus one - to help the rest of the wedding go smoothly and so you can all enjoy it! (narcs in my family too, anything to stop them from QueenBeeing is money well spent!)

Or alternatively, not be a narcissist ?

Your mum is 81. If you aren't going to look after her (and I understand that you will be busy and that she is a pain), them somebody else will have to do that job.

If there is nobody else, then yes, you are going to have to put up with your mother.

@princesspadam

I have read all your replies so far but not the responses from others, so incase no one else has mentioned it

did you know you can book ' assistance ' for your mum for the train station she departs from on/off the train and at the destination train ? I believe it's done by phone ?
and, just incase this applies too - not every station will allow dp on to the platform to meet her.

She can forget the fascinator and wear a hat - it gets plonked on her head ! :)

Can you arrange for Assisted travel at her end? It sounds like DP can manage her for most of the day. Where will she be sitting for the meal?

I will check with DD about a plus 1

would it be rude to ask someone 8 weeks before?

a cab to the venue is just not an option, it’s from the midlands to central london

dd tolerates her as much as I do

there is no way she would miss the wedding and go somewhere else

Yes DP is very good with her

I don't understand the trend on mumsnet for diagnosing people you don't get on with with narcissism (which is a personality disorder) when you are not qualified to do so.

I'd also be interested to hear Mum's side of the story, because you are not coming across here the way you appear to think you are. She's 81. I would never have done this to my mother. Show her some compassion.

I can get one from Oxford to Battersea for £120.

I feel your pain, @princesspadam

Heads up- the next thing she’ll complain about is whether she’s in enough photos and whether they are flattering enough.

DM can’t get over being a couple of layers removed from the action now. She still expects it all to revolve around her.

I had the ‘who’s going to help me get dressed’ last family event.

She complains no one will taker her on holiday with them, but not only does she insist on the day and destination of her choice, you have to travel from her door as well. That’s a full day travel on each end for me, plus of course travelling with her.

@Overtheatlanticwell done but she doesn’t live in or near Oxford

Sympathies, narcissistic mothers are very hard to deal with 💐

If you're DP is not Father of the Bride, it sounds like he could deal with her for the day? Appreciate not much fun for him, but if he can cope and is willing to do it, in your shoes I would be very grateful to him for being a supportive partner - perhaps treat him to a meal out afterwards as a thank you, and perhaps tell DD he's helping both you and her enjoy the day and ask her to text him thank you afterwards too?

Hope you have a wonderful time celebrating with your DD, and please just try not to let your mother take up any headspace

@SplishSplash123 love this 🙂 probably going to be the best option

I think I wouldn't have told her about the wedding, tbh, or told her afterwards and said it was a spur of the moment thing.

It's difficult, isn't it - if you make it too hard for her she might not come - result! - but on the other hand she might come and complain the entire time.

Would she know about the wedding if you hadn't said anything? Would anyone else have told her? I'd be tempted to say now it was called off.

I'm so sorry! Your MIL sounds totally dreadful but I couldn't help laughing at her turning up in a full white gown! WTAF was she thinking? I hope everybody either laughed at her or completely shunned her.

would it be rude to ask someone 8 weeks before?

Not in these circumstances.

Could she get a hairdresser to do her hair and fix her hair piece?

Put your daughter and yourself first and enjoy the day. DO NOT allow her to spoil the day.

What would happen if you just didn't invite her? It doesn't sound as though anyone will enjoy her company and she will make everything about her. The logistics are also too difficult.

There aren't any other relatives on your side so nobody except your mum would ever judge you for it.

Then go and enjoy your day as MOB! Make it special for you and DD……you’ve put support in place for DM and seemingly she knows which buttons to press to get a rise out of you. Have a wonderful wedding, hope the weather holds and wishing the bride and groom every happiness 💐🍾

Obviously there is back story here but I think in general an 81 year old would expect to have someone to get ready with for their grandchilds wedding if possible.

I had an absolutely tiny wedding and my husband invited his aunt he isn't even that close to so she could look after his grandmother during the day.

I think you may need to think about a bit of support for her?

I have a mother like that and anything apart from what she had decided is the right thing to do regards travel hotel etc is met with pursed lips and well if I’m such a bother I won’t come .
We have an informal ” rota “ and tag team-at family gatherings so no one is left too long .
I HAVE had to pull out the big guns and say well if it doesn’t suit you better not come and she did that once.
But like when the children were little -put up with no nonsense and keep chivying along . Let it wash over you as well.

You’ll be lucky! How recently have you travelled like this?

I’ve had over 56 years of it and it’s a nightmare. Plus a sister who basically lives in my mother’s house even though she has her own house!

The most important person is your DD so I think your suggestion of your DP meeting her at the train station and driving her to the venue is fine. It is not as if she needs to make her own way to the venue. If she can manage to go on holiday she can do that. Just shut your ears to it and remind her it is your DDs day not hers.

@princesspadam whats annoying is when you do make the efforts to help people that are similar eg my gran, you still get moaned at they are soon there when they need your help but when its the other way round its zzz