She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

@HotGrapefruitdo we have the same mother??? 🤣

OP, I have a narc family member too.

Is there a bridesmaid or groomsman (maybe 2) who could be given the job of looking after her for the day?

Bit late for that now!

As I said, I am sure the OP's mother is no Angel, but if she was that horrendous, why has the OP's daughter invited her?!

Have a word with DD. Say it will help make the day go much better if DM/GM has someone to be with.

@princesspadam Do you have a cousin who you could bribe maybe with a spa weekend or a week 4* in the Algarve? to hold her back/up all day and keep her away from your and your DD?

💐 Just keep turning your back and walking away.

OP I think you have to lay out the plan and how much you will help her then draw a line. You deserve to enjoy your day and support your DD without DMs nonsense spoiling things.
I have my DS wedding coming up and as MOG have been asked to meet the ILs and attend a meal the night before and breakfast on two days with close family. I am also driving over to my DM92's house, packing all her things for three days away, driving her to London to the hotel I have booked her and settling her in to a disabled access room then taking her to the venue and driving her back home afterwards. I have siblings so I expect them to look after her while I am doing MOG things and would be very frustrated if they wouldn't. My DM is sweet and lovely but it's just the conflict between caring for her and also being present for DS that is stressing me.
I hope you can be clear on what you are offering and not get sucked in.
May we both have a wonderful day!

OP I know you said DD doesn’t want any random plus ones but she’s the one who invited your mum to the wedding so she really should have given some thought as to whether, at 81, she would be able to manage the journey and the event alone. Is there no way you could perhaps persuade her to make an exception in her GM’s case, given that it would take the strain off you and likely make the day go more smoothly. Is there anyone else your mum could bring with her as a companion ?

Can you just tell her it's best she not attend?
If she's that awful, why invite her?
This is a happy day for you and your daughter.
Does your daughter want her there?
If not, don't have her.

Use some of the time the day before to get your mum to practice putting her fascinator on - to prove she can do it!! And ask DP to lo in on the practice session so he knows what to do as well!! Have a fab wedding!!

These people don't want companions.

They want attention.

Exactly this, but it gives op a redirect.

Yup.
I honestly wish DH and I had not told anyone until it was done. The healthy 1/3 of my witnesses "needing" an ambulance...and before anyone asks, there was no follow-up, A&E consultant suggested at worst a "panic attack".
🤬

There’s clearly a lot of history.
If you can assign someone to her I would. I was talking to a distant cousin’s newish girlfriend at a funeral and she’d clearly been assigned the mind elderly mum role at a recent family wedding. She was saying she’d helped her with her hair, the fascinator thing is perhaps mum wanting someone to check she ok and nice for DD’s photos so she doesn’t spoil things.

She may be a narcissist (although that term is hugely overused - has she been diagnosed) but your dd invited her. On this instance she's being treated a bit shoddy so a little grumbling is allowable, yes? It sounds as though just the thought of her will ruin the day for you rather than what she's actually doing so maybe you need to work on yourself to be less triggered by her? I know that, with my dad who was famously difficult, the stress of thinking about dealingwith him was out of all proportion with what was actually necessary, so I do have some sympathy.

If you've ever read a mumsnet thread about family not getting invited to a wedding you might understand why... some people seem to operate on the idea that not inviting someone related to you, especially an elderly grandmother, makes you selfish and image obsessed and nasty beyond words... the only acceptable outliers are if that person hit or sexually abused you or someone else, doesnt matter if they've just been a dick their whole lives, them being elderly and related to you means they are entitled to a place in your life and you are EVIL if you dont invite them. Madness.

So, she’s an elderly person in her 80’s, which doesn’t warrant any assistance getting to the venue, and was hoping to have some assistance with her outfit but that won’t be possible? Guessing you have to be over 100yo to be eligible for any of that!

Is she well off op? I would suggest sinking some money on a car/ taxi from home to the venue ‘for her comfort’ then she can spend the day complaining about the driver

I agree
if you aren’t able to locate a magic wand 🪄
something will need to crack - or you will !
re-negotiate the random plus one issue -
say to your DD the current situation is not going to work and something needs to shift ??

Sounds like you really dislike her which is not necessarily wrong

Do you expect her just to look after herself all day. Who will she be sat by

You do have the right to enjoy your day as MOB but given you have no extended family what were your plans for her all day

I also agree with the can you throw money at it. A local taxi company may do it for a set price.
I’d sit with dd and look at wedding guest list and see if there’s anyone who may be suitable to be a check in on granny person eg perhaps a friend from uni.

Can you hie someone to help her with her hair/hat? Or I'd talk to your daughter about making an exception about a plus one for her to take the heat off everyone.

No suggestions but sending sympathy. Hope you & your DD have a great day

I have one of those mothers. The only solution i can offer is to book a taxi and give them an address the other side of London.

You’re doing nothing wrong

she’s a cock 🐓

I've certainly seen the word massively overused on MN by people who have no business diagnosing others with psychiatric disorders.