She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

And I don't understand the trend on Mumsnet for posters to assume that they know better than the OP about her own difficult mother. You and other posters are definitely not qualified to tell OP that her mother isn't a narcissist and that she should have more compassion.

How is she ruining the wedding? You haven't changed anything for her, everything she's asked, you've told her no. You're doing exactly what you planned, so nothing has been ruined at all.

Dp accompanying her and book a beautician/hair for an hour to brush her hair and apply fascinator sounds very workable (dd could say she’s arranged for one of the beauty team to go to assist her - perhaps a job for a Saturday girl they know)
Then have a few people primed to make sure she has drink, chair etc so it’s not all on your dp.

Enjoy the day.

Yes this

Oh gosh, you really don't want her to come do you? She needs a minder and it isn't you.

I 'minded' my difficult mum for my niece's wedding. It was hard work (including a 5 hour journey, 2 hours out of my way to pick her up and overnight stays - I arranged and sorted everything, all she had to was pack a bag and lock her front door) BUT it was a kindness I'm glad I undertook because she got so much out of it and likely won't see another grandchild's wedding. If I hadn't have done it, she would not have come. Is that what you are hoping with your mum?

Anyway, this is what we did: 2 young people took the train so I had space for luggage and my mum. So, could you ask the more able to make their own way?

At the wedding itself there were enough people to chat to her. In fact, she loved sitting at the side and watching and all the lovely young people dropped past to speak to her, including the bride. So I was able park her and tasked the grandchildren with topping her up with tea. Sounds like your DH could fill that role and the grandchildren could also oblige?

Oh, one other thing I did - when I picked her up she did start with a bit of general whinging so I set the ground rules: 'uh uh. That's the last grumble I want to hear. This is a good vibes only trip' . She did oblige (mostly!)
Good luck and congrats!

Do you ever say to her, “Will you ever stop bloody moaning?”

Even if its not to your taste watch the wedding episode of the Royle Family, the grandma is just the same and I think old ppl often are, but yours obviously has been selfish and narcissistic a long time or you'd not have a strained relationship.

So would I, but then I've experienced what can happen if the demanding person doesn't get entirely their own way at an event where someone else is rightly being put first

Best be prepared, OP, because from what you've said I'd half expect a "sudden illness" on the day, designed to restore her to the focus of attention

What you are doing is fine.
Get a taxi from her house to the train station.
organise assistance at both ends of the train journey.
Your DP meets her, escorts her to the hotel, spoil her, put flowers and chocs in the room. Taxi/ escorted walk to the venue. DP keeps her on a tight leash all day.
You enjoy your day!

Put your daughter first today. Your mum will be a dick anyway so compromise nothing. Don't meet her off the train. Be available for your daughter.

Excellent advice.

I will be taking a leaf out of your book at my DS wedding with MIL who has 3 children and 6 grandchildren and always attaches herself to the person in the family she most despises. I am her PA apparently and she is Gloria Swanson

Oh hear we go… grossly under qualified poster posting about a subject of which they know absolutely nothing.

I had an aunt who inkene would be a total pain at my wedding. Wasn’t going to impact me it I knew she would spoil it totally for my mother, so I very specifically tasked some with running interference. Eg as sons a she started carrying about needing my mother because she was tired, said appointee whisked her away into a car to be taken to her hotel before her feet hit the ground.

that person may have to be your dp

Have to concur with this. It’s your daughter and her new husband’s day, and they wanted to invite Nana despite the obviously poor relationship you have with her. If there’s no-one else who can help, it’s on you I’m afraid.

@princesspadam Your DP is the answer here. His job to run interference in any of her attempts to hijack/control/ruin your Dd wedding.

including dropping her back off at the station should she overstep the mark.

she will make this all about herself, she will try to ruin the day, but if she can be contained, it might not be noticeable to the wedding party/dd.

I’d suggest DP be pretty blunt with her if she warrants it.

Shame - you can actually hire a wedding day companion - they are a qualified and insured carer and they come and help you get ready and act as chauffeur and chaperone under the guise of being a plus one. I believe they are also very discrete so don’t drink, and will help their client be in the right places for photos etc, help them to the bathrooms etc, but will not be evident in any photos.

Perhaps your DD would consider this if it means the wedding goes without any drama and the stress for you both is removed? Not so much a random as a paid nurse equivalent but in wedding guess attire to blend in, rather than clinical uniform?

I would get your son to escort her to the wedding i know you don't like her and I know she is difficult, but she is 81 and this will feel like "abandonment" to her, and it might make the day worse, I. do think you are being a bit unreasonable. expecting her to get to.the venue alone.

I get it, OP. Okay, so what you need is a plan in place. I would think of someone in your extended family who can be assigned make sure she gets where she needs to be without bothering you and then at least check on her enough throughout the events so that you are free to enjoy your DDs wedding, which you should absolutely have the right to do. Your mother can only ruin your daughter's wedding if you let her, so I would just make up your mind before you go into it that you will not let her steal your joy. She can complain all she wants, but that is her problem, not yours. I know easier said than done, but I think you need to be very firm here or you will have so many regrets.

Just coming on to say that passenger assistance is free, easy to book and very worthwhile.

Just in case you are not aware, with any train journeys requiring changes, you can book assistance. My 82 yr old mum uses it when she comes to us, they meet her at the carriage of her arriving train and escort her to the seat on her next one. Just thinking about you saying you’d have to take a long drive to collect her by train if she came the day before etc (if she could get closer to you by changing trains).

Oh! Snap with endofthelinefinally!

I had a similar situation with an elderly aunt at DS’s wedding. I gave her a plus one and asked a distant (younger) relative to bring her. They were her ‘minder’, chauffeur, companion, whatever you want to call it. They both had a lovely day together and we escaped the pressure.

Is there someone you can rope in?

I think many, many people, 82 or not, would be flapping about attending a wedding alone. I’ve seen countless threads on MN where someone won’t go to a wedding by themselves leaving dh with dc.

Mil came to dn’s wedding with a “friend” who drove, managed her and took her home. The paid friend said she loved it!

Believe me, I get elderly relatives making it all about them (still steaming about behaviour at my wedding decades later…) so you definitely need a minder.

Oxford is not in the Midlands.

She's not expecting her to get to the venue alone! And she's not being abandoned.

The Op clearly states that her DP and the rest of the family will accompany her to the venue.