Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

I think that's very fair OP. Are the grandparents on your son's side still alive?

Surely your first step is a conversation with him?

If the wealth is there because of your late husband then it really should be going all to your son, with maybe a very token amount going to your step kids.

If I were your late husband I’d be furious. The value of what you inherited from him should go to his son. If you have increased your value/ assets then morally you’re free to split those as you wish

I think it has the potential to cause a huge rift between the children further down the line. Which could result in them no longer having a relationship.

You said you're a high earner. What proportion of your wealth comes from yourself and how much from your LH's wealth?

Oh I am very different to previous posters, in fact I would split everything equally to the three children. I have encouraged my dad to leave more money to his grandchildren (who are not biologically his) - I don’t see family as just being blood (I’m also previously widowed)

I would talk to your biological son to let him know what you're thinking.

Not quite the same situation, but: I have two (biological) sons, my wife has no children of her own, but two nephews. In her will, everything goes to my sons. This is partly because her nephews are well provided for. She's informed everyone about this.

But surely if he saw his inheritance as belonging to his son, and not his wife at the time, then he’d have established a trust with his son as sole beneficiary?
The money belongs to OP and is for them to distribute as they see fit. They are living as a family unit, and have done since the children were very small. DS has benefitted from siblings & a family life he otherwise wouldn’t have enjoyed.

I think what OP is suggesting is thoughtful, but should be discussed with her DH and DS to avoid any arguments if it comes as a surprise. Ultimately there’s no right or wrong answer.

Presumably op's late dh loved and respected op enough to trust her decision making?
Ensuring each dc has a more stable future is very kind and shows the person you are op - and not what mn vipers say you should be.

Yes they are still alive

Your post reads that all the children are in their teens. I know nothing is a given, but as you are only in your 40s, they will likely have many more years of living together as siblings. I would not discuss this with a teenager. Are you able to speak to your son's grandparents to get their take on it?

Speak to your son, inheritance doesn’t need to be a secret or surprise on death. It sounds like he won’t be surprised that your perceived as one family rather than separate families living together.

You are skewing towards him which seems fair.

What is your DH doing in his will?

I think the father of your son would want him to recieve his assets.
As would the mother of your step children expect that they recieve her assets.

All your other assets are different.
You need to look after your old age too.

Can your DH find better employment?

It is only fair that everything from your late husband should go to your son and you can split your own wealth three ways between your son and step children

But you’d be dead so you wouldnt know. That’s the thing with inheritance - people can do what they like with it

What about your steps' maternal family? Are they alive/in touch?

I honestly think that’s totally fine. And I’d have no issue with it if I died and my husband did this. You’re potentially (hopefully) going to be together and as a stepmother to these children for fifty+ years. It’s your money now. I strongly dislike the idea that you need to consider the previous person when deciding who to pass your money down to.
If I want my money to go to my children, I’ll write my will that way, put it in a trust etc. I won’t hold my husband to keeping it separate for half a century if that’s not how he feels he wants to do it based on how his life goes after I die.

This is a tough one. I think the sentiment is right but the proportions are wrong. You are giving as much to your Non bio kids as you are to your bio child. Something about that doesn’t sit right with me, especially as you likely wouldn’t have the money to give if not for DS’s dad and grandparents?

it feels like you are trying to even if the kids financial situations. I don’t think that is the right thing to do. I think you should leave them a small amount, say 10% each. That way your son has the majority instead of being forced to share with his step siblings. Do you feel any pressure from DH to ‘make good’ his lack of funds to pass on?

Do you have a feel for how your ex DH’s parents would feel? It’s not their money at this point but they are your DS’s grandparents and I think considering their wishes is importsnt

It's now your money, to leave to whomever you want. Your late husband can't be furious!!

I think that it's generous of you, and it reflects your family now. You can always revise it again in future if your step children win the lottery/become drug dealers/whatever! But I wouldn't discuss it with your son until you have almost made up your mind. Don't put the decision on him,b though by all means consider his position.

I think you are considering something v positive. Yes,v money is hugely helpful in life,vbut by leaving your step children something,v you are emphasizing that you are all one family and thatvis a gift to your son too. Rather than having step siblings who are seen as second best,vthey will be seen as important too.

I think it’s lovely that you’re acknowledging your stepchildren as part of your family. Also, the money you inherited is now yours to do what you want with it, and is not automatically your sons.

I think it’s lovely you want to bequeath some to your stepchildren. Maybe in your will, write letters to all three children explaining how much you love them, and acknowledge how much they meant to you, and hence the bequests.

Really hard. If something happened to me, as PP have said, while I’d want DH to remarry and be happy with someone else, I’d be absolutely furious if my - and my parents and grandparents - hard-earned money went to the children of DH’s future wife.

In your situation with your first DH’s parents still alive, can you talk to them and make sure the family wealth they are leaving goes directly to your son, not via you? Surprised they haven’t done that anyway? I’d be inclined to leave everything you got from your first DH to your son, but then split all the assets you have built up yourself (you say you are a high earner) to your step children to even it out a bit. Leave a letter explaining it all to them after your death, but I wouldn’t discuss it beforehand.

I'm also a widow just for reference.

I don't agree everything your late partner left for you should automatically be your son's. Your partner has the opportunity to leave things directly to your son but chose to leave it to you.

I know my late OH wanted me to continue to live my life, move on, and find happiness however I could. He left me what he had in service of that goal.

You have a new family and your current decision sounds fair to me. Your son is still benefiting more from his late father than his siblings, but your new family matters to you too, and I'm sure your late husband would love that you have your current life.

There are two ways of looking at this IMO:

1. The money comes from your DS's father and it should therefore go to your DS. You say 'None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage' so why should your stepchildren benefit from it? Your DS may be angry and resentful if you share his inheritance with his step-siblings, particularly if he has fallen out with either or both of them at that point or feels they've made bad decisions;

2. Regardless of where the money originally came from, it's yours now and you can do with it as you wish.

I would speak to your DS. If he's still young you should wait until he's older to do so and I wouldn't make any changes to your will until you have done this. But if he's amenable and if you still feel as you do, then I think (2) applies.

It's my late husband's hard earned money! Ofc he wanted everything to our son after my death. It's tricky

I don't him and his siblings had fight after my death or be resents me about this inheritance. I'm scared what he might actually think about this inheritance