Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

Sorry, I laughed at the "current" dh bit, like you are Liz Taylor or somesuch 😂
Anyway, we have similar in that we have 2 bio and 1 permanant foster kid. As my bio kids have no other family and my fc has a huge family, we have decided to ringfence a decent amount for fc but the bios will get the house n things, however, I think in your particilar situation, I would share equally.

I think he would've wanted the money to go to his son only. You say you're a high earner so you can help your stepchildren with house deposits yourself which would be a huge leg up, but for me, your late husbands money should go to his son.

He clearly Said everything should go to my son after my death. And I wish it was that easy

My will divides everything equally between my two biological DCs and my DSS. My DSS would be devastated if my will said anything else and my DCs are aware and fully support my decision (from the beginning we have brought them up to consider themselves as siblings).

I should add over half my assets will come from inheritance from my direct family - but as it was left to me it is for me to decide what I do with it.

He clearly Said everything should go to my son after my death

Ah - well that changes things a bit. You didn't say in your OP that he had left specific instructions. I mean, it's up to you what you do with it, but I would not go against the explicitly stated wishes of someone who had died unless they had been a horrible person and their wishes were totally unreasonable/unkind.

I wish it was that easy.

It is. This money has to go to your DS. But if you wish to leave some of your own money to your stepchildren, then you are perfectly free to do that.

In light of this new information, I entirely retract what I wrote above.

I would not discuss this with your son as he is far too young for the responsibility of that kind of conversation if I correctly assume he is still under 18.
Can you leave the assets that are yours alone to your "step" children? Have you considered adopting each other's children to make it more official and then there is no argument from anyone that they are not your children?

Given your ages, you could consider taking out life insurance policies to create a more equal split. For example the assets from his biological father can be left to your son and an amount from life insurance left to your "step" children. You could then reassess the situation in 20 years time when everyone is older. You might find someone marries into a lot of money and doesn't need etc.

I didn't read this before posting. Now I have seen it I would definitely suggest looking at life insurance policies and reassessing in the future.

Yes they are alive and in touch

Your late husband's money wasn't left to your son - it was left to YOU. And nobody decides what to do with YOUR money, other than you. It stopped being your late husband's money when he died, and became yours.

This is something that will need open discussion with family members when they are old enough/young enough (Grandparents!)

I think the principle is correct but the percentages are wrong.

The percentages part is perhaps something you could discuss with the Grandparents privately - as this would give them time to update their will and your plans might affect their decisions.

My gut feeling is 70% your son and 15% each stepchild.

I think it’s fair to split it. Sadly your dh died and your new husband brought up your son. You have been an equal family and it’s lovely that you have been able to offer that to your son. I think I would start having open conversations with the children so they know they will be treated equally.

I’d be leaving it all to my son. Their father has messed up financially and my children wouldn’t be getting less from me and their dad because of that. His kids are his to sort.

I think I would leave all of late DHs estate to your DS and split anything you’ve earned into equal thirds.

It must get tricky though to decide which pot is which though after several years. It seems unfair that late DHs pot is completely untouched as surely some of that would have been meant for use in raising DS and supporting yourself?

And how much are we talking here? A few thousand or millions? I think that might affect my answer too as there’s only so much a person really needs to be wealthy so you could maybe afford to be more generous with a very high amount

I agree with this. I know my in-laws would want their wealth to go to their biological grandchildren...not their step children. And I agree. Don't let your son down

I think that your initial idea was correct. Your son has benefitted all these years from love and support from his step father so things have changed. Amend your will as you see fit. Leave a letter for all of your children explaining your actions. That's enough.

As your late husband has explicitly told you his wishes about his assets then it is only right that you should respect them.

What about splitting your own assets among the three children and passing on his father’s assets as he wanted to his son? Does that not work?

@brunettehead I get that you want to be kind and fair to your step children but I disagree completely with giving any money that you inherited from your sons father to your step children, your own earnings and savings yes half to your son and half between the step children but not your sons inheritance from his dad as thats just wrong

You can legally do what you like.

But morally, your DH wanted his money to go to his child, not some strangers to him that you decided to take on as family.

I don't think your son would necessarily be upset. If he's close to his step siblings, it might actually be very awkward to find himself set up for life while watching them struggle financially.

I think it's important for this not to be a surprise to him when you die. It should be something that's discussed beforehand - "here's what I'm thinking of doing, here's why I think it's fair" - so that if he does feel betrayed you can have those conversations with him. Might need to wait a bit though if he is still a child.

Respect your late DH wishes. Pass on your own (non-inherited) wealth to all the children.
However - you are only mid 40s. You should review your will regularly anyway. Things and circumstances change. In ten years for example, the financial picture for everyone could look very different.

Your late husband should have left his wealth in a trust to his son. This is why my will stipulates money from the sale of my buy to let and family home goes direct to my children as opposed to my partner.

This is to prevent another woman’s child to benefit from my hard work if I pass early.

Personally I would split evenly between the three.

Anything from his late father should be 100% to your own son. Do what you like with your family’s wealth.

I didn't mention the exact numbers because they were irrelevant.

So, it's actually around 24M from my late husband and around 3M of my own. I know that's a lot of money, and honestly, my intention isn't to make anyone here feel uncomfortable. So yeah, it is what it is.