Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

I think it’s fair to split it. Your late DH possibly didn’t consider that you might remarry and have step children etc. And, even if he did, ultimately, it is your money to do with as you wish and you aren’t suggesting frittering it all away and leaving nothing to anyone.
And I understand what you are saying about your son, but what about your step children? They call you Mum, and appear to view you as such. If upon your death they discovered they received nothing or vastly different sums to your biological son, then that would be hard for them I think?

Gosh, no I wouldn’t do this. Your DH gambled with and lost with his business, and I don’t think your DC should suffer a detriment as a result of that.

I think anything that came from your late husband should go only to your son.

Your own money (earned and any inheritance from your parents) can be divided as you wish. In three if you like.
But his father’s money is your son’s by right imho.

I’m making a will at the moment and it’s a fear to be honest. If I die how do I ensure that my assets go only to my children in the case DH marries again. My assets are very modest indeed unfortunately and it’s still something that concerns me. You say your late DH made it clear that the money was to be passed to his son. He trusted you to do that. I wouldn’t break that trust personally. Legally you can, but I don’t think it’s moral or right to do so.

All of your first husbands money should go 100% to your son. Of course it should. Those were his wishes. Everything else you’ve accumulated can be split and shared as you wish. Surely it’s that simple

An 8 year marriage is a very short amount of time to be considering leaving 50% of your son!s inheritance to step children.

did your husband also have a will already? If he did, in that will what did he leave your son? It s ok him saying now everything should be split, but what was the reality before his business failed?

also, why can he not now repair his finances? you make it sound final.

Wouldn't the fairest thing be for your son to inherit 50% which represents his father's inheritance, and then you split the remaining 50% three ways? So he then gets an additional 33.3% of 'your' 50%. That way, your own personal fortune is being split equally amongst the children and the two SDs aren't receiving anything from your DS' father's estate. I know this might sound simplistic but you should protect your son's inheritance from his father.

This changes things. I really don’t think you can disrespect your ex husbands wishes given it was largely his money. Especially as his parents are still alive, they’ll be aware of his wishes and they were significant contributors to your financial situation.

You haven’t answered if you feel pressure, either overt or subtle, to do this for your step kids? Because the proportion you are think of leaving them is significant, and you seem (rightfully) worried that this will really hurt your son.

I am leaving my stepdaughter 10% of my assets, and my son the other 90%. To me that is the right balance of showing she is an important person in my life, and acknowledging that I am the only mum my son will ever have, and he should be my priority.

Have you not needed to spend the money you inherited from your husband on looking after/housing your son? is it still sitting in the same bank account? I think that would influence my view. Can you realistically seperate the amounts which are from your earnings ? I think it is reasonable to want to provide for all your family but what about your husband?. Is he not likely to need some inheritance from you if you are only mid 40s. Who owns your house for example? Is your husband likely to build up further assets himself?

Your step children are already benefitting greatly from you, in the form of you supporting your husband and them, after your husband left a secure well paid job to fuck up starting his own business and is now in debt.

I would not be leaving them a penny of your late DH’s money if I were you.

Did you adopt each other’s children? I think I’d probably look to leave it in proportion to how you got it - your late husband’s assets to your son, your assets split between the 3 people you think of as your children.

I have to say this thread is a lovely change of pace of what I usually see here. It’s wonderful that you’ve all created a new family together.

also worth noting that you and your husband might have many, many years ahead of you - things will shift around, you have no idea what’s ahead of you so I’d just be ready to reassess again. You might both inherit again, you might need to help your parents with care home fees, you might need additional care yourselves, your husband might start a new business that becomes a huge success… nothing stays static forever.

Holy crap.

your late husband was clear that money goes to his son.

split yours how you like.

is your dh now living off you or does he intend to go back to work?

again, an 8 year marriage is not at all long.

Ohh, I've just seen the amounts that you're talking about. This is far too early in your relationship to be thinking of giving your SDs such a huge amount of an inheritance that is not linked to them. But I still stand by the split above as being fair right now, 24m to your son and then 1m each to the 3 children. So 25m to your son. It definitely sounds harsher when the figure is so huge!

Is it?

I'd be fricking furious if I was the DC and half the inheritance my Father wanted me to have went to some strangers he didn't know even existed just because my Mum got into another relationship.

And you're assuming the DC has benefited from love, care and support from the step-Dad when DS may feel very differently.

The adults in 'blended families' can assume all they like of how it's been for the DC involved and it is rarely the experience of the DC involved.

I'm a DC of a 'blended family' and glad my Step-Mum is dead and she was estranged from her own DC so my brother and I will inherit the entire estate as she and my Dad had mirror wills so he could, and has changed the wills to remove her extended family members since none of them have so much as sent my Dad a Xmas card since step-Mum died.

The estate now includes inheritance from my Grandmother who died after my Step-Mum. Had my step-Mum being alive when this happened and died before my Dad, I'd have been furious with her having that money and leaving it to her nieces or whatever. And my Grandmother would have been furious to think that would happen.

Gosh such a huge amount. In one sense you’ve been able to ring fence your late husbands inheritance because of your own wealth and hard work so that should play into it.

If you leave your son all of his dad’s inheritance it’d be reasonable to split your wealth 50:50 between your two step children.

Your son would be totally unreasonable to have a problem with that given the share from his dad is so large. Once he’s an adult you can have the conversation with him and he may propose his step siblings get a larger share.

Fucking hell.

You could easily give 1m to each step child which would make them for life and leave the rest to your DS.

I'd probably give away more while alive in drips and drabs to all 3. Then leave a far larger share to DS and 1m to step kids. Discuss this all nearer the time so they all understand why.

I think try and separate it out, if you think your sons dad would have wanted all his inheritance to go to your son, make sure that this happens with this portion of the estate. Then anything that's yours / joint can go equally between the three of them

I think anything from your son’s father should go to him it’s not his fault your new husband’s business has failed to stop his kids inheriting from him. Of course he would feel less loved wouldn’t you? Op then you can split your money three ways. That way you show the 3 kids you loved them equally.

It's a tricky matter, why not adopt them formally and split everything you made and you make together with current husband equally between the 3. That way all your children will be feeling things are fair and they won't be fighting over inheritance later on. Also your step children will be feeling you love them equally. However, your ex's inheritance should go to his son and treated as a different thing that goes directly to him sort of thing because that is what he would have wanted perhaps.

Except you wouldn’t be furious, because you’d be dead.

I would split it similarly @brunetteheadthese are children you love, that you’ve raised from a young age and who are your family. Family is so much more than related by blood and it sounds like there might be enough for them all to receive a financial boost. I couldn’t be tied, decades down the line, by something my late husband might have wanted in very different circumstances.

This is tricky. I can see both sides
I suppose my question would be if you had gone onto have biological children between you both would you split the inheritance? Or would you advantage just one of your children?
I can see you feel strongly for your step children as much as you would your biological child.

My late husband's money or assets are as they are! Nothing is touched

My husband is started a new job again. It's good earning job but We both have clear the debt which take many year's alongside managing 3 kid's expenses. We both earning money which enough take of care family but not sustainable to bulid something new

It IS that easy. You are choosing to complicate it.

Your son's father was as clear as can be, so, for me at least, I'd follow his wishes.

Your son inherits everything that was his father's in accordance with the clearly expressed wishes.

You split your assets equally three ways.

Your child has then inherited in accordance with his father's wishes, and from his mother.

Your stepchildren will inherit from their father, their mother, and you.

Out of interest is your husband planning to split whatever his remaining inheritance is, three ways?

Separate out your late DH's money now, so that it is not sucked into your household money or spent on propping up your current DH business matters. If you have 3 million yourself, there is no way you need to use late DH's money for the current household, and most definitely should not be spending any of it.

Put that money in a ring-fenced pot for your DS, possibly a family trust for him and his descendants (assuming he goes on to have children and even grandchildren). Take legal and tax advice on this.

Then make a will that your own money (currently 3 million) is split 3 ways equally between the children. Don't leave it to your current DH.

I wouldnt be furious in that situation? Its equivalent to adopting children or going on to have more children, she has raised them since preschool age.

24 million, 50,25,25, percentages, that is 6 million going to your step children each from your Ex husband?

Absolutely not.
Your son inherits from his father and your 3 million is divided equally between all 3 of them.

Follow your husbands wishes.
Perhaps your son might wish to gift his siblings an nominal amount, but that is up to him.