Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

This is becoming increasingly hard to follow. You said in your post that uou are considering dividing the estate including your late husband's assets, but later you say that money and assets are protected and that he left it all to you in its entirety with you promising on his deathbed it would go to his son?
Everything from his father's side should go to him imo and your own estate split either 2 or 3 ways, I would speak to your son and suss out his feelings on that

So sad isn't it that money causes such stress
You sound like a fab mum with a great family.
Your late husband would be very proud.

Do what you feel is right in your heart.

X

it seems wrong to deprive your son of his father’s inheritance.

She really doesn't have to.

People often choose how to deal with inheritances in their own way, there's no having to do anything, unless it was set up that way in the will.

OP may have had her own biological children afterwards, in which case that would have been causing a huge wealth disparity between them and his wishes may have put her in an awful and uncomfortable position so it's not really a fair dying wish either.

In this case she raised two children from a very young age and loves them the same, so same thing really.

I’d give your late husband’s to your biological son ONLY. You are a high earner, so you can split what you have accumulated, between 3 kids.

My mother died when I was 27, everything was the obviously my dad's (by no means rich but assets, farm land and buildings). My father died 10 years later. It was always understood at my mother's request that everything would be sold and divided equally.
That did not happen. The oldest 3 got virtually everything, youngest 3 got enough money to buy a car.
We all have children, some step children.
I will never forgive him, I will never forgive the oldest 3 for not sharing, when they die which they are all 70+ some step children will get significantly more than I did, and my kids get zero.
There were no arguments or ill feeling prior to this, and for the sake of family harmony life goes on, but to me it is wrong.
Your non bio kids could inherit your built wealth but not your late husbands, is my opinion 😊

But then she shouldn't have promised him that his child would get it all, and then he could have made the appropriate legal arrangements. It would be different if he just left it all to her but he didn't, he specifically stared that she was to ensure it go only to his child

Everything from your late husband should be going to your son. You know that’s what late DH wanted so morally it’s the right thing to do. It was left to you because he trusted you to do the best thing for your joint child, not so you could get remarried and give it to someone else’s children because your new DH made a gamble and lost. Your DSD’s are already significantly benefitting from the fact you can maintain their lifestyle despite their DF’s business misadventure.

Split the wealth you generate through work etc as you wish.

Out of interest, what happens if you divorce? Would you still leave some to the DSCs? Is their inheritance from you (which you’re taking from DS’s father’s estate) contingent on being married to their father?

I’m confused. Why can’t you touch the 24M if you inherited it?

Oh stop it.
Of course no one is going to say to someone on their death bed 'well I can't promise that', nor would they be going through potential scenarios in their head about what might make it difficult to carry out the wishes so they wouldn't even think about it.

OP is free to make whatever decision she wants and that she feels is best for her family.

I started to notice the same pretty quickly and it has made me question the authenticity of this post. The initial post may have been written in the poor English in OP’s subsequent posts and put through AI, but the inconsistency in the quality of grammar and language, coupled with contradictory info …. I’m calling it. It’s certainly not “glitches”. Where - in the matrix?

If your dead dad’s money was being shared out to people who you didn’t choose to have in your family, how would you feel?

You made the decision to extend your family, he should have the decision of what happens with his dad’s money.

If you cannot touch your late DH’s £24M in what sense is it within your estate.

What provision does your will make for your DH should you pre-decease him?

What efforts is your DH making to pay off his debts?

I love the authority you've imbued in 'You are,' etc. YOU might have, when I bought my first home wills were never mentioned. I'm going to blow your mind but your life experience isn't universal!

You are over complicating things.

You leave your husband's estate to his biological son. You agreed to do this when your husband was dying. You have been a peace with this decision for some time. Is the motivation to change the will etc due to the business failure? Do you feel sorry for your step children in some way?

It is an awful idea to ask your son what to do, I agree with previous poster: it is too much responsibility to put on such an inexperienced person. IMO the decision already in place (deceased husband's money goes to his son) does not need revision.

The money that you have acquired since your 1st husband's death if you so wish, you can leave entirely to your step children. I get the impression that you feel they are "missing out" and you want to remedy the situation

This situation is not something that you need to fix. As much as you love them, your step children have two living parents. A lot can happen between now and at the end of their parents' lives.

Please don't redistribute your former husband's estate to address a situation that you did not cause and are under no responsibility to correct.

Your step children have two parents who have (should have) their best interests a heart. Why do you feel that it is a good idea to pass your step children money from someone who is a stranger to them?

You are a high earner in your own right. In your shoes, I’d leave my first husband’s assets to my biological son and I’d split my assets between my husband, his children and my own. Or I might leave my assets entirely to my second husband with a wish that he leave them to the three in equal share if I die before him, or an equal share split between the 3 if he dies before me.

I apologise for the unintended offence caused. The use of ‘You’ was not to you personally. But it is true that usually people (I won’t say you) are offered life and critical illness insurance, alongside being advised to make a will when they purchase property. And when people write a will people are advised of the optionality of a trust particularly where there are dependants.

If you weren’t, that’s unfortunate for you.

If DS struggles on what is likely to be a £12million+ inheritance even if she splits it, he's got far bigger problems than what the OPs will states.

From OP: So, it's actually around 24M from my late husband and around 3M of my own.

If the 3M is split equally, and the stepchildren get 1M each, wouldn't you say that's plenty? We should all be so lucky.

I have a question that might have been asked already... what does your current partner say? And I ask this because I worry that you might be under some pressure that is not helpful or fair. It is a lot of money, too the point that even shaving a bit of for your step- children would still be massively helpful, and the left- over for your bio son would be huge. I wouldn't discuss this with your son until he's older. My feelings would be that 1. No matter how you split it there is always a risk that the children will react badly and challenge your will, so you can't prevent this no matter what. 2. The amounts are large and any division will be a wonderful gift. 3. Be careful of advice from your current partner, I have low trust and there are plenty of stories of financial abuse to be wary of. 4. Protect your own interests as well, ensure you have enough money to look after yourself in ripe old age. 5. Choose a very trusted executor. Good luck. Not a bad problem to have tbh!

Its very nice indeed, like you say, if only we are all as lucky. But, we are talking in likely terms a couple of decades time at least, and actually, If someone I had only ever known as a sibling, living in the same house full time calling the same people Mum and Dad for the entirety of the life that I can remember inherits 24x what I do? I can't promise that that wouldn't shake the foundations of the family I thought I had.

It's a really tough one, but in that case I think it would be disrespectful to your deceased husband to share his estate with children he has no relationship with.

As your son's share is so big, I would probably split your personal assets 50/50 between your stepchildren (potentially without mentioning it to the children, if possible let them believe your assets were split equally between the 3 of them). You could include an explanation that your son's inheritance includes a large component of money his biological father requested you manage until your death so it's clearly from him, rather than you.

I cant believe people are still posting, OP hasn't been back since all the holes and inconsistencies were pointed out so its clearly crap yet people are still advising. I would put my fake £27m on the fact OP wont be back as all the holes cant be explained.

I’d have said divide it as you’d thought, but on reading your subsequent post’s saying that your husband stressed on his deathbed that the money went to his son, and that the money is not touchable now, you’re probably going to have to do that. And give your £3 million to the step siblings.
But who the heck needs to inherit that much?! I’d give most of it to charity and leave them £2-3million each, if it were possible. Why are ultra rich people often so mean!

It is a lesson to the rest of us though to make a will or a trust in order to make certain that our own children will benefit from our estate. People move on very quickly and promises solemnly made are forgotten. It’s a story as old as time.