Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

Regardless of the source of the money, it is now yours and you have the absolute right to do whatever you like with it. I think your original 50% / 25% / 25% is both fair and really thoughtful. You have clearly been a great mum to your stepchildren but, even when we know we are loved, an obviously inequitable inheritance split is hurtful, especially when a decent amount of money is involved. For various reasons my brother received around twice as much inheritance as I did and I found it hard to get to grips with, especially since he and his family were well off and I was less so. And my son's father (we are not together) has decided to only include his current family in his will. Money has emotional significance in these circumstances.

I also think it would be financially prudent to look at options for paying off the debt faster if you have 3m savings.

Is your late DHs money invested and growing? I think it would be reasonable to live off any interest, leaving the initial asset untouched.

I don’t agree with this. On the surface it sounds utterly nuts for someone to think 24 million pounds was not enough.

But by doing it that way, the OP is effectively leaving her own son nothing, and giving all her money to her bio kids. Fine financially, would sting like hell emotionally.

I’d be inclined to give 60% of my money to DS, the rest to my step kids. That way DS gets to see that he was the priority to his mum )as I assume he’ll be well aware that the other money came dump his dad). It’s still a huge leg up in life for the step kids that they would not have otherwise received, and OP can also gift to them while she is alive.

OP is also presumably paying off her DH’s debts as per her previous post, which reduces the amount of inheritance she can give all three kids.

What? That he wanted HIS money to go to HIS child and didn't anticipate that his DW would want to give it to some strangers to him after only a few years of knowing them?

In what world do you think that changes the circumstances of his expressed wishes?

And they're not OPs family. She may feel that they are but they're not. And they are certainly not her dead DHs family. They're strangers to him.

Least controversial thing would be dad’s wealth goes to his son and your wealth is split into thirds.

I think the actual numbers are relevant actually. 24M is a huge amount, but 3M is pretty good too. Your late husband wanted the money to go to his son eventually, and given that your stepchildren would also get 1.5M each I don't think they will be going short.

How old is your son? I don't think I'd speak to him about it. I assume he's pretty young, plus you're in your 40s so unlikely to die soon, and circumstances may change in the coming years.

You are not leaving anything to your new husband?

I think your plan sounds fair, mostly as it goes to children you’ve raised and not your DH. Agree with talking to your son if he’s old enough (or leaving a letter); especially if he has the same expectation as his father.

The money from your late husband needs to go to his son, it’s only fair and your son will be very resentful if you do anything else. He may choose to help the step kids, he may not but it’s his choice.

I'm going to put something in my will to protect my assets for DS. DH is fine to remarry after my death but I’m damned if he’s taking my money and giving it to some random kids instead of my son!

I agree with this! Definitely speak to your DH and DS about it though so it isn't a surprise.

Some parts are invested and growing, there are some properties which generate passive income, everything goes to another saving account which i ener touched. So it's growing but never used

and kindly, when he died he gave it to you not your son. you could have splurged it all on tequila and escorts, it wouldn't be up to anyone else.

do you know how much money you inherited back then? take out a reasonable judgement of money towards your child's life and until he's 18. what's left?

I'd put that aside and use it 50/50 to support him post 18 from his Dad. he inherits this on his death.
then your money, that you've built up subsequently and with your partner, split into 3rds or 50/25/25.

He'll also inherit from his grandparents, which would save been his Dad's inheritance, so he'll have that too.

he's already fat ahead of his step sibs in terms of financial set up

It’s more nuanced than that. How do you think OP’s late husband would feel about the ds inheriting loads and the two siblings he’s grown up with getting very little, souring the relationship and the ds having a different life from the siblings and ending up isolated/in performative contact once per year?

op I’d keep it in mind and hold off making any decision yet

PSA … This is why you should never leave everything to a spouse on your death .., they will remarry or form new relationships and your child / children will miss out- in some way. Write your wills to include your children ! Never trust a spouse … to do ‘right’ by your children in the event you die, even if they are the other parent to your joint children ! Always leave to your children AND your spouse in the first place.

If you and your husband split up, how much of your dsc would you see post-divorce?

Agree with this.

His fathers wealth = to your son
All your assets = split 3 ways

This. Will the stepkids inherit from thier mothers side?

To be honest, I think it would be weird and hurtful to leave your step kids out of inheritance. You blended families while they were tiny, it's not like you haven't been a huge part of their lives.

Presumably they'll mourn you when you go.
Presumably your ds loves them also?

Your son should probably get his dad's money, while yours divided equally between the three.

This is what I would do. It's fair.

Why would it sour the relationship though? The OP has kept her late husbands assets seperate - surely the step children aren’t expecting to inherit them? It would be pretty entitled if they were.

They will surely be aware that they don’t have rich grandparents, unfortunate as that might be, and that DS does.

I think the figures involved change the situation somewhat. Even if you split just your own assets between the 3 children (which I would definitely do), a million pounds is a pretty good amount to inherit.

I can see why you'd feel it's unfair but if you know for a fact that your late husband wanted all his assets to go to his son, I think you probably should honour that. Your son and your step kids have different parents and with that comes different life circumstances.

You are both mid-40s. What if your husband makes a lot of money again?

I think your idea sounds fair. Life doesn't stand still and what was right at one time isn't right later. Your son will still inherit huge wealth. Your relationship with step children will also be recognised, as it should be. I would spend more time working out what happens if you die before your DH so he is protected.

At the moment I would leave it 100% to your son. You are only 40’s, and bluntly thats plenty of time to get divorced/die yourself/some other life crisis. Your son has already been greatly disadvantaged by the death of a parent, you absolutely should not risk further disadvantage.

I actually think that it is reasonable that your late husbands assets contribute to his son's upbringing. But the amount of that depends on your lifestyle - private school for example? It is hard with such vast sums involved. I wouldn't give such a large amount to your stepchildren until your son is old enough to understand but for me that would be aged about 25 so I would leave it ringfenced for now and split your other assets three ways or directly to your husband to reflect your family now. I also would want to talk to someone who understands the implications for your son of being so wealthy if he hasn't grown up with such a lifestyle. Although he may be relatively old when it happens if it is inheritance from you.