Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

I think it's very difficult and I completely understand why you're thinking the way you are, I think I would too. But, the money was your late husband's money and he clearly said he wanted it to go to his son. He didn't get to see his son grow up but he did leave him a sizable inheritance. It's not fair to take that away from him and it's not fair to your late husband to try.
You have personal money and are expecting more inheritance. That's yours to do with as you wish. I'd use that money to divide fairly amongst your son and step kids. It sounds fairly sizeable as well so you are hardly short changing them.

I think this is the approach to take - your late DH left the money to you not to your DS, so the money is yours and your DS and step children will only ‘get some’ if there is any left when you die. No-one has a right to their parent’s assets when they die.

However, if you are going to assign a portion away from your DS, then I would want reassurance that my current DH and father of the step children feels the same way and would arrange his finances in the same way? Ie, probably the bulk going to his children and a portion to your son? Would you both protect each others assets for your children against either of you remarrying again upon being widowed - and how would you ensure your estates were ring-fenced against that eventuality?

You should also speak to a financial advisor and solicitor re assets like your shared home and how that might be divided and lifetime residency orders if shares are left to children but surviving spouse still has main share and right to continue to live in it etc.

TLDR: discuss this with DH; see a legal/financial advisor to take advice.

When someone inherits money, it belongs to them now - not the deceased person? Unless the late husband wanted a trust fund for their son, I don’t see how what the OP is doing is wrong.

There is much more to what makes a parent than biology. The OP brought up her stepchildren since they were very little.

Neither are they "typical" step siblings, that you might see for a night every other weekend, or have only been in your life since they were teens, and neither is this a "normal" amount of inheritance.

50k, I would think differently.

Tens of millions? yeah, they can have a decent share of that, more than worth it to preserve a sibling relationship amongst three young adults who have grown up as siblings and have all lost a parent young.

Agree - your DHs money should go 100% to your DS & then split your own money 3 ways.

Otherwise speak to your DS about what you’re thinking & get his input.

It is that easy. Everything from your late husband goes to your son, everything of yours the assests you mentioned that are yours only, can be split however you want.

Every day

My Dad is wealthy and is splitting his will 6 ways. His 3 kids, 2 step kids and 1 step step kid (his wife's step child from a previous marriage). I had moment of being annoyed but I get over it. Its going to cause massive outrage when my siblings find out how much hes worth though. DBro will be livid.
So I think if you are going to do as you propose, get it all out in the open first.

If DS inherits the full amount from his dad then if he wishes to financially help out his siblings then he can but it should be his decision to make if his dad has made it clear he wants his son to have it. He trusted you as his wife to ensure that happens upon his death.

I love inheritance threads on mumsnet because people on here are absolutely batshit about making sure that nobody not blood related to someone get a single penny. I could not disagree more. Families change, grow and evolve. The fact you’ve managed to create such a solid family unit for 3 bereaved kids is really amazing and I think it makes sense that this unity should be reflected in the inheritance (while still respecting your late husbands wishes to some extent given your sons 50% share).

If your son is a good person which I imagine he is based on how kind you seem here, and indeed he thinks of your step kids as his siblings, then how you’re splitting it is great.

I personally would be horrified to inherit 24M and my siblings whom I love inherit nothing at all.

And how much has your DH lost in his business venture. I would aim to replace that and give that to all 3 kids.

if DH lost 4M, I would take 4M from 24M and share 4 million between 3 kids and leave 20 M to son.

you then divide your 3M again equally between 3 kids.

as DH situation has just demonstrated, you don’t know how your son’s life will turn out and he might need his money. What if step child gets a start up and sold it for 50M (or even just 10M)Are you going to expect them to share with your son when step child will have their own family?

Sorry if I have missed it. How old are all the kids. How old are you and DH. That is relevant.

I asked about she’s as I don’t think your son’s views in his 20s/ 30s/ 40s should be expected to views as his final thoughts. As your life has evolved, so will his.

Neither you, nor OP get to decide whether they consider the DC they had no choice in being raised with, as siblings or not.

Leaving the inheritance DS Dad wanted to be solely left to him means DS has the choice of whether HE wants to give some to step-kids or not.

Removing that choice while OP decides to give millions of her DS inheritance that was expressly meant for him to strangers her DS Dad couldn't even imagine existed is what will cause resentment.

My son is 16, Husband's son is 17 and daughter is 15

I’m the “poor” child in a similar situation.

I’m a child of DDad’s second family. DM was stepmother to DDad’s two
sons before my sister and I were born. We all grew up in the same house, with the same surname for a while, then the boys went back to their mother (DDad’s first wife) and her second husband and their daughter for various reasons. DDad and his first wife both died 25+ years ago. TBH the boys had a pretty tumultuous childhood, but the constant has been DM. She changed the younger ones’s terry nappies! Did first day at school, calamine on chicken pox, 11+ jabs holding, exam results days, wedding - a the milestones). Her will is splits her estate evenly between her bio children and her steps “my boys”. The boys inherited from their mother and stepfather too. But such is life - I appreciate and love that DM doesn’t differentiate between her bio and step children and has provided us all with so much love and stability.

I think it would be perfectly okay to use some of your late husband’s money to cover your/his son’s expenses presently tbh. I don’t think it has to be left completely untouched.

Couldn’t you use it for his school expenses, perhaps some of his living expenses like hobbies, later on a house for him etc? That would leave more family money available if you’re stretched. I don’t think you need to cover all of your son’s current expenses. Taking half what you’re spending on him from his father’s money seems completely fair imho.

1. Start spending some of that now on making memories. You can’t take it with you, and if it’s not structured correctly your son and the state will inherit about half each.
2. You have enough to transform all of your children’s futures by splitting things equally. This isn’t a case of your DS going without. Money makes money. If he was smart with it, he’ll never want for anything.

I think knowing the quantity makes me even more sure that splitting it is fair, based on your very specific circumstances.

You'd like to.

Doesn't mean they would.

They might. Especially if they think that would mean them getting millions but realistically, they might not want to.

People are too trusting. If OP’s son’s Dad wanted everything or a significant portion of his estate to go to his son he should have left it to him in a trust.

This is like, you leave your half of the house to your partner, he remarries, he dies first and she inherits everything and leaves it to her children.

In what way are they not OPs family? She’s raised them for the last 8 years, she loves them as her own, makes no distinction between in the family. What does family mean if not love, care and commitment.

Completely agree.

It’s insane to have £3m of your own assets and have debt - how badly did your husband’s business fail?

assuming the £24m is in your name (is that the original amount so it’s now considerably bigger with investment growth?), I would leave your son the £24m equivalent and split your worth (£3m minus debts) between the DSCs. Thats still a lottery win sized amount.

I wouldn't discuss it with the son - he's a late teen and it's not fair to make him help make the decision that you are (understandably) struggling with.

If you and your DS (and your DH and "step"children) do see yourselves as family and live as family then I think your will should reflect this.

I would see 3 options here.

1. You leave all of your late DH's assets to your DS and you split your assets 1/3 each way between the 3 children. This honours your late DH's expectation and reflects you seeing the 3 children as all your children
2. You pool all wealth between your and DH's families and everything is split 3 ways. That means his late wife's family inheritance, his remaining assets after debt, everything. The DC are all treated equally. Would he agree to this and how would all the remaining grandparents feel?
3. Your suggestion of all your wealth (including late DH's) is split 50:25:25. This is maybe trickier to justify (to your "step"children) as it's showing you value them but not "as much" as your DS? Might they resent your DS and separate them from him in adulthood?

It's a huge chunk of money so one would hope any of those options set them up well and don't cause resentment. But money does tricky things.