hygiene - he cannot change I guess it’s over

[Howldens]

My partner never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks, he covered the garden in fag butts. I think something must have happened to him growing up to prevent him from properly maturing in this respect.

he wants sex and obviously I am repulsed by him. Sometimes we do have sex and I do enjoy our intimate connection when I can get past these issues. He is kind, patient and intelligent.

i have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times, he said I was being “mean” so I dropped it. I tried again but skirted the issue and focused on the fag butts….

We had a fight tonight and I finally said if he can’t sort this we have no future… but I am doubting myself, feeling guilty for feeling this way.

i just needed to write it down because I am starting to doubt myself.

But reading it beck I can see how unacceptable it is - but the thing is all my friends really love him & think he has been good for me - these things are not visible to them I guess…
I want to get past this but not sure he is prepared to change.

He needs to wash or go

I felt sick just reading this. I don’t know how you can be in the same house as him, never mind having sex with him.

Nope, not in a million years, dear God. You need to lose this one I’m afraid. Gross 🤢

Apart from anything else, if he's not brushing his teeth he's definitely going to finish up with serious health issues. The lack of hygiene over all is probably going to result in fungal infections.

Time to go, unless you want to be a carer to someone who smells. Sorry - that's a bit blunt, but...

Aim higher… he sounds repulsive! 🤢

Has he changed? What was he like when you first got together?
How long have you been together?

I can totally understand why you're repulsed, but if you want him to change, make sure you're pointing out the things he can change. I don't know about you, but I cannot control whether or not I snore, or if I fart in my sleep, I'm unconscious whilst asleep! If my partner complained to me about things I have zero control over, I'd also feel attacked.

However brushing your teeth, washing your feet, using a toilet brush - those are all things people can control.

I think you need to decide whether or not you can live with the things he can't control, and then have a conversation about the things he can control.

weve been together nearly 8 years. No he hasn’t changed I’m just finding it less and less tolerable

A very good point - the snoring & farting would be fine if it was just those things. I will focus on the other things.

Oh bravo 😁

@Howldens you are not unreasonable at all

In your place, I'd leave.

I'm guessing that you're doing all the washing - I suspect he's not dealing with his own grimy clothes. If so, I'd suggest that you only wash your own.

How on earth did you find it tolerable, ever?

I don’t know. Time has got away with me I think… I’m not sure. It’s a good point. Maybe it wasn’t so bad at the start.

8 years? You’ve the patience of a saint.
He’s 🤮.

Gosh I actually feel sick. You can do better I am sure. Life's too short for that sh#t

This is a wind up right

You'll end up with a UTI if you're having sex with him and he's walking around with shit in his pants. He can't be wiping his backside properly for a start 😩

You don't owe someone your presence when they are a biohazard.

I would have a very honest and direct talk with him and do not let him distract you until you have clearly said what you need to say. (Perhaps set the expectation that you're going to speak about what's been bothering you and ask that he not interrupt, then he'll have his turn and you will listen?) If his changing certain things is a requirement for your staying with him, say so. Whether or not you said what you said before in a way that might come across as "mean" to a reasonable person, it needed to be said. You can apologise for your wording if you like, but not for having the feelings you do and not for telling him about them. The snoring and farting and stuff are probably going to take cooperation to work out a way to both reduce them (him) and live with them a bit (you) but there is absolutely no reason why he cannot brush his teeth regularly, wash his feet thoroughly at least once a day and take other measures like deodorising or wearing socks or whatever, and throw his butts away rather than just dropping them. It's ridiculous that he does not do these things, and if some childhood trauma prevents him he can at least try to get help.

The skid marks in his pants would have me off. I am NOT going to put up with someone not adequately wiping their arse so they're potentially spreading literal shit around my home. Shit has moisture, it will seep through, everything he sits on is contaminated with fecal germs, if not literal fecal matter.

Indeed.

why on earth are posters engaging with this c…

Yikes! How have you tolerated this for 8 years? That's insane 🤢

If this is true, it serves you right for putting up with it for 8 years.

If he doesn’t have any respect for himself and the state of his hygiene and his surroundings etc, that is one thing.
But to lack the respect to listen to your concerns and take them seriously, to make the basic necessary changes to improve your comfort and happiness, and to tolerate a little constructive criticism when it’s coming from his longterm partner, I think that is even harder to stomach than his disgusting lack of hygiene.
At least if he was willing to work on it and discuss it with you, there might be a tiny chance of this improving. But it sounds like he doesn’t care enough about himself OR you to make any changes. I wouldn’t be able to deal with any of what you’ve described… no way should you be putting up with that.

8 years,no way....you need to set expectations early in a relationship for what's acceptable ..and should have same values..this behaviour was tolerated at the start so he does not see why you bothered now...i definitely could not live with someone who behaved like this.its inconsiderate...if you love him,don't argue about it jusy call it out with no anger,just say it's not good,explain how it makes you feel..maybe he can change if he understands how you feel..he might not be listening to what you saying jusy focusing on the argument