hygiene - he cannot change I guess it’s over

[Howldens]

My partner never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks, he covered the garden in fag butts. I think something must have happened to him growing up to prevent him from properly maturing in this respect.

he wants sex and obviously I am repulsed by him. Sometimes we do have sex and I do enjoy our intimate connection when I can get past these issues. He is kind, patient and intelligent.

i have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times, he said I was being “mean” so I dropped it. I tried again but skirted the issue and focused on the fag butts….

We had a fight tonight and I finally said if he can’t sort this we have no future… but I am doubting myself, feeling guilty for feeling this way.

i just needed to write it down because I am starting to doubt myself.

Genius response!! Except this isn’t AIBU and that wasn’t my question. Have a great day!!

Thankyou so much for responding- this is very helpful. I will look into sensory issues around tooth brushing and the specific brush you mentioned. Well done for getting on top of it. It’s clearly not easy for some people.

@Howldens

im not sure why you’re being so defensive and spiky to some posters, OP…

would you rather they tell you you’re being superficial and callous and need to stick in there and support pester? Is that want you want/ expect?

Whilst I think I just wouldn’t be able to be intimate I wonder if you can apologise for losing it and then try have a calmer conversation that says if you don’t help him deal with this then you’re worried that strangers may notice the smell.

Can you literally help him get back to basics - mouth wash as a start, put those toilet wipes in bathroom and encourage, new socks, shoes deodorant. I think the fag butts in garden is really just a lazy thing and likely infuriating - plant pot and sand?

Sorry. Do you honestly think it’s ok to call someone who is looking for help “desperate”??? if yes, you need help.

So to be clear: I’m being spiky to posters who are rude to me. There’s no need and it’s pissing me off. HTH

Sensory issues are one thing and can be addressed.

But is not cleaning the toilet after himself and not picking up cigarette butts in the garden and not washing his feet down to sensory issues too?

Funny how his sensory issues all involve someone else doing all the work- cleaning and tidying up isnt it?

It really doesn't have to be said and other equally unkind posters have said exactly the same thing as you.

You are obviously not trying to be helpful but just trying to make OP feel even worse about herself.

Oooh & well done you for being the one big enough to say it!!

What was his response to your conversation last night?

can he get get a dentist appointment? He will need a deep clean/s to get on top of it.

Feet - would he treat fungal infection, get new socks and several pair of shoes? Also a pedicure (after treating fungal infection).

However if he can’t see the issues then I doubt he will be onboard with any of this

I'm glad it felt helpful. And if it helps, I've rarely been single even with these issues. Nice face, clothes, smile and personality (according to partners) - and in shape til the dreaded peri-meno stage. I am not saying this to show off, but to say to others that someone can have these issues and it not be noticed by their wider circle (my partners have been aware and really kind and patient with me). Further context is that I and ppl I've been all relationships with all had v traumatic childhoods. I mention in case its helpful. And find it interesting that I could help my son much earlier on (who isn't growing up in a traumatic environment). Wishing you good luck with whatever you do or decide next.

Thanks to everyone who offered genuine and thoughtful comments on this thread. It’s given me something to think about. As I said at the start, simply writing it down has been helpful. I’m off to work now & wont be back.

Someone who is a grown adult, who still hasn't grasped the basics of personal hygiene, isn't someone I'd want to be with. Cleaning teeth, washing regularly, using deodorant and changing clothes regularly....are the basics.

Even if someone is hard up financially can manage the cheapest bar of soap/shampoo/toothpaste/deodorant and washing liquid. There's no excuse for poor hygiene (unless there's severe MH issues), it's laziness.

I couldn't date someone who smokes, simply because of the fact my lungs were damaged due to septicemia. Breathing second hand smoke (cigarette or vape) makes me unwell for several days afterwards.

Your friends may think he's lovely, but they're not having to share a bed with him or have sex with him...you are! It's irrelevant what they think! If he's not prepared to do the basics and change his ways, then yes, end the relationship.

My XH was a slightly less filthy disgusting example of this. When we first got together, he was a bit better, but he reverted to type. He was brought up in a filthy house and it was his model. We divorced a long time ago but he's still like it. I've been at his house dropping DGC off and heard his wife asking him to shower. He ignored her. Still doesn't clean his teeth.

He won't ever improve. By the time I left XH he disgusted me. Literally turned my stomach.

You need counselling to try and get to the bottom of why you value yourself so little to put up with this disgusting and utterly selfish individual for 8 years. EIGHT years!! Surely you realise that this is not normal?

But yet again a woman is doing all the work! Why isn't HE researching sensory issues with toothbrushes and sorting out his diet? There's no excuse for a grown adult not doing a bit of research- particularly after a loving partner has told him all this

But (sorry😬) underneath it all, when you really dig down, it will be desperation that is keeping you there.
We are conditioned to believe that being in a relationship is the best all and end all. That, coupled with issues we might have ourselves, leads us to putting up with all manners of shit. Literally in your case!
I can't tell you the 'men' I have clung on to in the past for the same reason and every woman on this thread probably has at some point too. The reasons? All of my friends were in relationships, my own lack of self esteem. I cringe when I think about what I tolerated to be in a relationship.
Imagine researching ways for your partner to keep a basic standard of cleanliness and he still just... does nothing to change.
What then?

Some of the blunt 'desperate' responses will be an attempt to shock you into thinking so don't worry about them.

Ask yourself, why do I stay? Then work from there. If he really is worth it, then I suspect you will just need to find ways to tolerate the way he is. He will not change, this is how he is hardwired. Probably due to his own upbringing/issues.
He isn't a problem to fix, he is who he is.

You have to sit down with him, tell him you love him but he has to address some issues:

Teeth - the health implications of not and perhaps some therapy around the sensory issues, try new tooth brushes and different pastes
Feet - is he in the shower but not actually washing his feet? Some people think soapy water running down is enough but you wouldn’t wash your hands like that. New socks, wash/new shoes and some time with bare feet.
Snoring - leave for now, tackle later
Farting - leave for now, tackle later
Skid marks - get him to clean the bathrooms from now on if he doesn’t know how to leave the toilet clean for the next person
Skid marks pants - does he know how to clean his bottom? Some people aren’t taught how to wipe and to wipe until clean. Moist toilet wipes by the toilet maybe?
Fag butts - get a bin in the garden for now and tackle smoking later along with excess alcohol (if it it excess)

Sadly there are lots of people like this but it’s part of a complex issue of self-neglect, not understanding their impact on others and not being shown through childhood.

i hope it works out for you both x

He's an adult, he doesn't need to. OP is free to leave this relationship at any time, and should never have begun it in the first place.

My partner is Nnnoying in many ways but one of the main things that attracted me was his impeccable personal hygiene and cleanliness. He’s over the top clean, more so than me. I definitely could not deal with a man who stinks and doesn’t brush his teeth. People can be nice but not right for you as friends or partners. It would be a deal breaker for me. How have you gone 8 years like this??

He won’t change, please leave him, that’s soooo gross!!!!

As a Counsellor, I recall having a client who smelled awfully and it was so difficult to focus on the session. Such bad personal hygiene and seemed liked he hadn't showered in weeks.

I used air freshener before he arrived and had the window open while I was freezing. It was terrible.

This was much earlier in my career, if it was now, I would have addressed it.

He sounds revolting!! 🤢

Your bar is very low for what’s acceptable. He stinks and doesn’t give a shit about himself and has no respect for you.

In the bin with this giant red flag 🚩

Exactly and this is what some people are missing.

Why the hell is it on OP to be researching all of this. She has told him this is upsetting her- why cant he take some initiative and research things- its his body?

Also the sensory issues dont prevent him from cleaning the toilet or the garden, this is just sheer laziness. Why should I bother when the OP will do it all for me.

Yet again it's a woman being expected to run around nannying a fully grown, capable adult man to "fix" everything for him.

This is just as gross as his manky teeth

I really object to the word “desperate”. I think it’s misogynistic - the rapacious, cock hungry, dependent woman who will take any anything she can get.

Humans (well this human at least) are a bit more complex than that. It’s been a rough 8 years and I’ve put my attention into other things. I’ve ignored stuff I shouldn’t have because I chose to prioritise stability in this aspect of my life. That doesn’t make me desperate that makes me someone who is doing what they need to do to survive!!

I’ve made the right choices for me until now. Now I need to determine if I need to make different choices for me for what’s next. I’m definitely not desperate.

.

It must be, surely.
I knew a couple who clearly hadn't washed properly or changed their clothes for years and stench was horrific. They used to come into the supermarket where I worked and the smell lingered for hours. Someone actually vomited ( in the end they got banned from the shop)
I dread to think what their home was like 🤢