hygiene - he cannot change I guess it’s over

[Howldens]

My partner never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks, he covered the garden in fag butts. I think something must have happened to him growing up to prevent him from properly maturing in this respect.

he wants sex and obviously I am repulsed by him. Sometimes we do have sex and I do enjoy our intimate connection when I can get past these issues. He is kind, patient and intelligent.

i have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times, he said I was being “mean” so I dropped it. I tried again but skirted the issue and focused on the fag butts….

We had a fight tonight and I finally said if he can’t sort this we have no future… but I am doubting myself, feeling guilty for feeling this way.

i just needed to write it down because I am starting to doubt myself.

It’s been a rough 8 years and I’ve put my attention into other things. I’ve ignored stuff I shouldn’t have because I chose to prioritise stability in this aspect of my life.

Seriously???!!!

Why on earth would you put up with this shit? What ‘stability in this aspect of (your) life’ could possibly be worth demeaning yourself by putting up with a beyond reasonable imagination filthy individual who doesn’t care enough about you to attend to even the most basic hygiene?

You need help, seriously. Get rid of him, get therapy and start living, please do.

Very good

I know the OP has said she's not returning to the thread because of the replies she has had. I don't think anything that has been said has been cruel and uncaring. It may just help her look at why she has put up with such a repulsive human being for so many years. It's disrespectful to share a home and a bed with someone and not deal with basic hygiene needs. It must be uncomfortable and unpleasant too, walking around with a foul tasting mouth and dirty underwear. I'm surprised he hasn't been spoken to about these issues at work.

Why did you ever accept this? It's utterly repulsive.

Omg how have you been with this person for 8 years?! He is disgusting and acting like a grubby toddler. Raise your standards and get rid

I have bad teeth (very long story, my parents never brushed them, I didn't have toothbrush until teenager years) and I can only afford very minimum because of the dentist prices. However, I ALWAYS notice people with bad breath or bad teeth. It would make me feel sick-8 years!
Even if you have problems with teeth, at least you can brush/rinse multiple times a day. No excuse.

I think it's clear that the word 'desperate' means something else in this context. I picture a person petrified of being alone, so willing to put up with anything. It doesn't just apply to women.

However, I do now understand how you have got here, to this point, with this man. Are you now in a place where you feel able to tackle this?
Ignore him and his needs for now and concentrate on yours.
What do you want from this relationship? What does he need to do to make you happy. Or alternatively, can you see a future without him? Realistically, will you leave? If you decide that you cannot tolerate living with a dirty man, are you strong enough to go?

Please, whatever you do, do not ask him if he was ever taught to wipe his own bum as advised above. Again, he is grown man, he knows how to clean himself, he just doesn't want to. There's many out there like him, male and female, it's just not important to them and there will always be someone willing to put up with it, as you can see by some of the replies you have had.

From the sounds of it, you deserve so much more. So, concentrate on you and see where he slots in to that. Do not centre him, this is your life, you are not just a support worker for a man who can't be arsed.

In your place I would write “You are a kind, intelligent man which I appreciate very much.
But I have always been puzzled that you are also xxx.
And I have always hoped and prayed you would eventually become xxx.
If you think you can, I shall be thrilled and delighted. If you can’t I honestly can’t see our relationship continuing

Oh hell NO.
My husband is a big man he is 6'6 and is very heavy set (like Eddie Hall). He showers twice a day, brushing his teeth each time, puts on clean clothes after & uses deodorant & aftershave. He is always scared to smell because he is a big man.
I wouldn't even sit next to him never mind have sex with him. Smoking and never brushing his teeth? Absolutelyfuckingnot.

Just to add on to the sensory issue, my 19yr old has autism & ADHD. He hated having his teeth brushed when he was younger. Till we asked him and it was the cold water on his teeth he hated not the brushing itself.
We started brushing them in warm water and he never complained again. He still uses warm water to this day.

I actually heaved reading that.

Well done for the ultimatum.

While some posters may not have been as tactful as they could have been I do think it’s a valid question to ask yourself why you’ve put up with this for so long.

It’s a sensory issue brushing his teeth but how does he explain not properly wiping and his feet stinking, especially given he showers? And why does he not use a receptacle for the fag butts? Is he generally extremely untidy?

"but I cannot control whether or not I snore, or if I fart in my sleep"

Untrue. Snoring needs to be addressed as it is dysfunctional and a sign of underlying health disorders and farting is a gastrointestinal issue that is simple to resolve with a proper diet.

I genuinely cannot understand how OP can bear to kiss a mouth that she knows has never had a toothbrush in it.
And if he showers why do his feet stink so much?

8 years.........😮

I hate brushing my teeth and have massive sensory issues about it. I do it, but if I think about it too hard it makes me physically sick.

My issues are around the taste of toothpaste when it's not fresh in your mouth - so, after a minute of brushing - and the feeling that my toothbrush is dirty, as well as the feel of the bristles. So as well as using a sonic brush, I also have a UV light thing that sterilises the brush head between uses. It helps. And I use unflavoured toothpaste.

But when I'm in a massive anxiety flare up, my teeth are the first thing to be neglected. It sounds like your partner is struggling with his mental health.

You don't have to stay with him or put up with it, and you were right to issue the ultimatum - but as you have observed, something has happened to make him this way. The thing is, only he can take control of making it better for himself. it's not your job to put up with what is objectively disgusting, antisocial behaviour.

He has to want to change for himself, but maybe doing it for you might start him on a better path.

Good luck, with whatever happens - but don't let it slide. It's helping neither of you.

8 years of this? You have set the bar pretty low. He's a grown man and by this point in life should surely know about basic hygiene.

It demonstrates an enormous lack of respect for you, OP.

I once shared an office with a man whose feet were absolutely rancid. Like, the worst smell in the world. He was otherwise very clean and well-kept.

I think it was his trainers.

Side note - I ended up having an emotional affair with him and still consider him to be the one that got away. He's the man I should have married. Feet and all. Everything about our friendship/'affair' was perfect, other than the timing.

I'd have had to have done something about the fucking smell, though. ;-)

I understand how you can love someone who is also rancid, and it's in spite of their rancidness. Which suggests that OP has a good man who makes very bad choices.

She shouldn't stay with him though, in spite of these. She deserves more. Just, I get it.

How did you even got together with him?

I can imagine that when the rest of your world is on fire and you're dealing with multiple external stresses for a long time, you're going to prioritise your stability at home. It would also have allowed you to overlook the smelliness etc.

That's not desperation, it's prioritisation.

I guess now things have settled down and you have the energy to deal with the home front.

I will say that behaviour like not brushing teeth, not caring that he stinks, and being bolshy and argumentative when pulled up on it - and he's in his 40s? 50s? not a 15 yo - this comes from a baked in mentality. YOU won't be able to change it, no matter whether you buy him supersonic toothbrushes or get him carbolic soap for his feet or drag him to a counsellor. HE has to want to change.

All you can do is lay your boundaries: I will not have sex with you and actually don't want you too physically close to me unless you brush your teeth and wash your feet.

He will probably protest and get upset in an effort to break down your boundary. You need to stick with it. Maybe he'll get it, most likely he'll make a half-hearted attempt to change and then go right back to unbrushed teeth and blue-cheese feet.

Effecting behavioural change is HUGELY difficult. You might want to give it a go, but I suspect that ultimately, it will come down to a choice for you: I can put up with it OR I can't put up with it, I have to end the relationship.

YANBU AT ALL!
I almost vomited just reading your description of him!
Sadly it doesn’t sound like he sees the need to change - I hope he does though.

OMG. This makes me feel ill. You must have incredibly low standards

Ewww. Yes leave. Gosh life is too short for this. Gross. He’s choosing to be dirty. Christ run.

You're very naive if your brain can't comprehend that someone may actually be like this, and you're pretty dense for thinking someone would just randomly make it up for shits and giggles.

Jesus Christ how have you got to this stage with him where you’re living together?