hygiene - he cannot change I guess it’s over

[Howldens]

My partner never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks, he covered the garden in fag butts. I think something must have happened to him growing up to prevent him from properly maturing in this respect.

he wants sex and obviously I am repulsed by him. Sometimes we do have sex and I do enjoy our intimate connection when I can get past these issues. He is kind, patient and intelligent.

i have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times, he said I was being “mean” so I dropped it. I tried again but skirted the issue and focused on the fag butts….

We had a fight tonight and I finally said if he can’t sort this we have no future… but I am doubting myself, feeling guilty for feeling this way.

i just needed to write it down because I am starting to doubt myself.

honestly felt sick reading this.
of course you need to go! What on earth is keeping you there.

Absolutely, no one would put up with this.

It probably could have been worded better but they have a point OP.

Why have you put up with this for 8 years? Do you not think you deserve better?

My late dad was a little like this, maybe not quite as gross. He thought shampoo was the devil’s work and stopped using it in his twenties. Didn’t use deodorant. Bath once a week or so, strip wash otherwise (but not daily). I don’t think he ever brushed his teeth and he smoked. His teeth were brown. It does happen.

How on earth have you managed to stay with this revolting man for 8 years? He’s disgusting. You’re getting irate with posters who are being ‘unkind’ but seriously, this isn’t a normal relationship.

TBH I'm not surprised by utterly twatty and unhelpful posts on AIBU, but I do expect better from posters on the Relationships board.

Your post is pointless as well as being incredibly unkind and judgemental.

These aren't small annoyances, they're ongoing issues that affect your attraction, comfort, and quality of life. And they will be seriously affecting his health and wellbeing. An ultimatum is reasonable - could you ask if he’s willing to see a counsellor? Someone experienced may be able to draw out the whys and help him move forward if he’s willing to engage, whether you stay together or not.

You've tried to raise the issue kindly, and setting a boundary about what you can live with isn't cruel. The fact that you feel guilty suggests you're trying to be fair to him, but don't forget to be fair to yourself too. 💐

Get out while you can OP.

my DH hasn’t seen a dentist for 20 + years. I no longer use the en-suite because he’s made it so revolting and I now absolutely refuse to clean it, so it’s just left. When they stop caring about theirselves but still expect sex it’s not nice. I’ve never been as important as work I’ve had to live with it. I can’t ever say anything to him because he takes such huge offence and becomes very difficult. You may end up trapped and it’s a truly horrible place to be unless you are prepared to completely shut down emotionally and live like that forever!

Leave and find someone who will cherish you and want to look after theirselves. You deserve better.

@Howldens i think what the poster meant was that most people would not stay for long at all in this situation. You seem to have persevered for a long time and tried to attempt change; I think many would say this is quite an unusually big effort in such a situation and many people would cut their losses or not even go towards that person in the first place. I’m not being mean I am just trying to clarify what I think they meant! Granted it was short & sharp. Do you think there could be any reasons why you have stayed this far? I wondered if you were naturally brought up to be very caring; eg did you witness your mum doing a lot of caring roles at home, or someone else in the family having similar traits?

I don't care how loving (yuk!) and patient he is, I doubt very much that I'd have got to find out as I simply would not tolerate any one of his disgusting behaviours. How on earth did he become your partner? I'm kind of curious of your personal levels to be able to accept him!

You cannot force someone to change OP. After 8 years of this it’s time to call it a day. It’s all you can do.

Yes. I have thought about going to counselling together too. To see if someone else can help explain the impact.

How did you even end up getting together with him when he doesn’t brush his teeth? His breath must stink?

Yes exactly! How desperate were you to secure this low life? Sorry, but it had to be said.

Unfortunately, anyone advising anything other than 'get the fuck away from this man' has an incredibly low bar themselves OP and bear in mind, i have seen women encourage other women to stay in abusive relationships on this site.
Cleanliness should be a basic requirement, you shouldn't have to cajole a grown man to look after himself. That's what you do with children.

Why have you stayed? How can you bring yourself to be intimate with a man like this?
You show yourself the same lack of respect that he does, why?

You do not owe him anything, he will not change. You need to ask yourself what is keeping you there.

OP- isnt it enough that you have told him it upsets you?

Why does he need someone else telling him this?- he didnt care the first time so why will he care if someone else says it. He sounds so selfish,

He doesn’t care about the impact. If he did he would have changed long ago.

I also don’t know how you’ve put up with this for as long as you have but here we are. It sounds like he’s not going to change so yes, I’d say that it’s over as what else can you do?
I have teenage sons. My younger one went through a phase of not showering regularly. No SEND or anything, he just didn’t think it was important. He’d also have mucky boxers from not wiping properly. We kindly but firmly told him of the impact of these habits, on himself and others. Thankfully he matured and now has impeccable personal hygiene. But living with a stinky teen for a. while was unpleasant so absolutely no way would I put up with that from a partner.

He does sound revolting, to be fair. I could see there might be sensory issues with brushing teeth, and no one can control farting in their sleep, but skid marks in their underwear? Fag butts all over the garden?

Dont your friends notice how revolting his hygiene is?

How on earth did he manage to attract you in the first place?

Everything you wrote down is revolting and unacceptable in a able bodied man who expects intimacy

I take all the points about how he attracted me, why I put up with it etc. I don’t have a good answer to be honest. It is making me think about my own problems! Which I didn’t really want as a result of this thread 🤣😮‍💨 (and before some clever person asks - no I don’t really know what I did want from this thread either). Just to vent, just to know I’m not mad maybe.

You deserve so much better than this.

Hi OP, in case it's any help I (like your partner) have hugs sensory issues with toothbrushing. I use a sonic toothbrush as it upsets me less, bicarbonate soda toothpaste, and the thing I find most helpful is visiting a dental hygienist every 3-6 months. I used to see a specialist hygienist as I had so much anxiety and shame when I'd get feedback on my brushing. But have now found an understanding high street dentist that does a tooth health comment only clean too.
Then re farts- I used to fart so smellily and do horrible streaky no2s. I found I have IBS linked to anxiety and lots of food intolerances that were affecting me in other ways too. I no longer have diary, soya or processed wheat, and am a lot better. I worked out myself what was affecting me, but noticed my son having similar problems as he got older (age9/10) so took him for a kinesiology nutrition assessment and even he (now age11) comments on how much better his digestion and mood/health are once he cut out certain things (aspartame turned out to be really bad for him!)
I don't know whether your partner would find any of these helpful, and think it's completely up to you whether you stay or not, in that I'm not trying to say you should make him do all these things, but am sharing in case they are helpful and happy to answer questions if you'd like more info on any of them.

You’ve been in a relationship for 8 years with someone who doesn’t clean their teeth or arse? You are definitely unreasonable [insane] to have done that!