hygiene - he cannot change I guess it’s over

[Howldens]

My partner never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks, he covered the garden in fag butts. I think something must have happened to him growing up to prevent him from properly maturing in this respect.

he wants sex and obviously I am repulsed by him. Sometimes we do have sex and I do enjoy our intimate connection when I can get past these issues. He is kind, patient and intelligent.

i have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times, he said I was being “mean” so I dropped it. I tried again but skirted the issue and focused on the fag butts….

We had a fight tonight and I finally said if he can’t sort this we have no future… but I am doubting myself, feeling guilty for feeling this way.

i just needed to write it down because I am starting to doubt myself.

That's right, blame the woman instead of the man who is choosing to be unhygienic 🙄

Your friends think he’s lovely? Ask them would they shag him with these issues, I guarantee the answer would be no.
if this isn’t a wind up you know what you need to do op. It’s actually made me gag just reading it.

Appreciate you saying you won't be back OP but I'll reply anyway.

Life is nuanced and it's possible to have someone who is fab in other ways but just has poor hygiene.

A similar thing happened with my partner who is a wonderful man. He was fine when we met but after a while I noticed the tooth brushing frequency went down and down. I think partly due to wfh and not being around anyone other than family. It really got me down, I tried lots of hints, didn't work.

Eventually lost my shit with him and we had a rough time. But it did work and now he does every day x2.

My advice would be direct and weather the storm.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time. This site just gets more and more unkind by the day.

If a friend shared this with me yes, I would be disgusted and internally gagging but I wouldn't stick the f*ing boot in to make her feel bad about herself. Do posters here think having a dig about someone's self esteem will make them grow better self esteem?!

I could not live with a man like that, let alone kiss, hug, or be sexual with him. Would he fancy a woman who had stinky feet, didn't brush her teeth, had rotten hygiene, farted all the time etc? Almost certainly not. It's misogyny to think women have to keep themselves in good nick, clean and smelling nice but men get a free pass when they are the ones with sweaty balls!

By the way, I would bet a LOT of money he isn't washing specifically his feet in the shower. Lots of men don't!

PS I think the foot smell is fungal if he showers regularly. He needs to see a GP about that.

I said judgment you asumed I ment towards the partner. Is it great for women to bring down other women about their choises of parnter I would say not.

A Podiatrist can also advise and he might not need to wait so long for an appointment !

Cleanliness shouldn't be a negotiable option. It doesn't matter what your friends say, no doubt they will be the first to talk behind your backs if he turns up stinking. There's is a colleague at work who's wife apparently has a really bad smell, I've never met her but I've heard others talking about it. If you are replused by his general hygiene, then he isn't good for you.

You are deluding yourself saying these things are not visible. He must reek.

How are you having sex with him? Kissing him? This is revolting even to read.

Christ in the vessel 😳. They say everyone has their person, and I guess he's yours; because I can't imagine being attracted to a drinker/smoker who doesn't brush their teeth 🤢.
He needs his parents, not a partner. Who wants to teach a lover hygiene? Just leave the big baby. Or you could make cleaning him part of your relationship, because he's unlikely to change.
He must be exceptionally charming 🤦🏾‍♀️.

8 years!??? oh my god.

He is foul.

What do you say to the woman who's facilitating an unhygienic man for 8 years?

It's clear to see he's a filthy bag who has no incentive to do better, because he has an accommodating partner who has sex with him (Lord knows how), cleans his toilet etc.

For whatever reason, she has incredibly low standards as @Autumnyears says. That's her, not him. Ignoring that does her no favours; especially when there are people encouraging her to retrain this filthy man into a functioning adult.

He sounds like a right catch 🤢

Seriously OP, there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for a grown man not to clean their teeth. Vile. His repulsive stinky feet could likely be an infection of some sort, but more likely due to his appalling lack of hygiene. Vile. Leaving skiddies in the toilet, we all do it, but we all clean them up not leave the for our partners to do. Skiddies in his pants shows he’s not cleaning himself! Vile. How you can live with this man, never mind go near him intimately is beyond me. The fact he won’t change is the dealbreaker here .. no idea why it’s taken you 8 years to see this.

I hope you leave, and I genuinely hope you find the good, clean man you deserve 🙂

I have just read this and it makes me feel sick. The answer is simple. He cleans his teeth , he showers and he stops putting fag butt's all over the garden.

If he fails to comply with the above you end the relationship/marriage. Cleaning his teeth and washing is just basic self respect. I could not have sex with him either. Filthy animal.

You started dating a man who never brushed his teeth, cannot wipe his bum so must smell quite a lot of the time, and somehow showers but doesn’t wash his feet… and you thought, “yum, this is the man for me.”

You must have very low self esteem. He won’t change. He doesn’t need to, because he knows you won’t leave. He’s been like this since you met him and it was good enough for you right at the start when everyone is ok best behaviour so why on earth would he believe that you’ll leave him now? You probably should have had better standards really.

Well youve accepted it for 8 years so why does he gave to change. He'd have been asked to leave on day 1 if
He behaved like a 1 year old.

The smoking alone would be enough to end it for me. Smokers stink. Their hair stinks. Their breath stinks. Their clothes stink. Their skin stinks. Smokers who think that smoking in the garden deals with the smell are sadly deluded. It doesn’t.

Then factor in the teeth, the BO, the arse, the feet…….

OP I hate to say it, because you are probably not aware of it after 8 years, but your house will reek.

I don't think this is true...

Jeez no wonder the NHS is overloaded.

Just get athletes foot cream and use that religiously as a starting point. If that has no affect then maybe seek advice.

But love, this isn’t just about the teeth.

leaving skid marks is a sign of total and utter lack of respect for you!

ditto farting in bed loud enough to wake you, that’s a lack of consideration for you.

this man clearly doesn’t like himself much, and he doesn’t like you much at all either

you have the ick. He’s not your problem to fix. Don’t saddle yourself with this disgusting wretch just because of a dumb sunk cost fallacy, this is it. Your life, and it is better than this. YOU are worth better than this man.

end it.

perhaps THAT will give him the reason to change.

you have given him the ultimatum, time to follow through and leave him.

That sounds awful for you

Mouthwash shouldn't be an alternative to brushing but if he has sensory issues maybe he could use that in addition to a quick brush rather than a full 2-minute brush.

If his feet stink despite showering he may have a deep set fungal infection so may need to soak them in hibiscrub and then get some canesten.

Sometimes I can’t believe what I read on here. You know what needs to be done it is disrespectful and disgusting behaviour.

He'd have to be George Clooney to have hygiene like that, or lack of!

No absolutely not. Not in this life or any alternative universe. Im going off to be sick now.
GET RID.