hygiene - he cannot change I guess it’s over

[Howldens]

My partner never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks, he covered the garden in fag butts. I think something must have happened to him growing up to prevent him from properly maturing in this respect.

he wants sex and obviously I am repulsed by him. Sometimes we do have sex and I do enjoy our intimate connection when I can get past these issues. He is kind, patient and intelligent.

i have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times, he said I was being “mean” so I dropped it. I tried again but skirted the issue and focused on the fag butts….

We had a fight tonight and I finally said if he can’t sort this we have no future… but I am doubting myself, feeling guilty for feeling this way.

i just needed to write it down because I am starting to doubt myself.

i know you say you haven’t had sex with him much, OP, but how you have done it full stop is mind boggling. He must absolutely reek to the point that it would be hard to become aroused.
dump him.
who cares what your friends think. They don’t have to live with it
@Howldens

This ^

To anyone doubting that this could be made up, I can verify after 30+ years as a clinician in the NHS in large city centre hospitals that this is no surprise. I have heaved in the morning getting into a lift with no one in it; the smell of the previous person is in there in a spotless, well-maintained health centre.

I have seen the exact scenario Op describes where one partner is of regular personal hygiene and the other is very much as op describes. We have had to have chairs removed and sent for a deep clean from a 20-minute appt of sitting on it. Yes, people are poorly, and mental health plays a big factor in some cases, but in some it is purely self-neglect,

You are not being mean op you are trying to improve his life for both of you.

i gave him an ultimatum last night. Unfortunately I didn’t quite manage to keep my cool but I did say if he can’t fix these issues I just cannot tolerate us being together any more.

he showers and wears clean clothes regularly so other body parts not mentioned in the OP do not smell.

i think the teeth thing is related to a sensory issue.

on reflection, it is the hygiene habits but also the unwillingness to want to improve or change that I think I am finding so difficult. Like, all of these things will ultimately cause health issues and most people would want to change them in order to live a longer and healthier life but he is very very fixed in his habits, if he sees them as an issue there is ZERO sense that he’s going to tackle them. I can’t get my head around it and I’m finding it is dragging me down.

But beyond these personal issues, he would do anything for me except change these deep rooted personal habits and that is what I am struggling with.

not sure if I am coming back to the thread as tone of comments over night was rather nasty. No need to compare him to a dog.

I hope you aren’t cleaning his 🤢🤮🤮 pants?!!!

His breath must be awful. Just think how your mouth feels in the morning…
would knock me sick to smell

Thankyou - this is it. I want us both to be healthy and well. There’s something underlying it that is self neglect and I want him to stop neglecting himself and live properly. It’s like he’s trying to kill himself (when you also include the smoking & drinking).

He is not being'kind,patient and intelligent' about this issue. He's being rude, dismissive and stupid, risking his relationship by refusing to accept normal standards of cleanliness and making your joint home dirty and smelly. What a shame as he obviously has some lovely qualities.

Tell him he needs to brush his teeth twice a day, non-negotiable. Apart from anything else he will have high dentist bills if he refuses to do so.

He needs to wash his feet specifically in the shower. And wear clean socks everyday if he isn’t already.

Tell him he needs to wipe his bum properly (god I can’t believe this needs saying). And if there’s a mess in the toilet, he needs to put some bleach down and sort it as you’re not his mother and he’s not a toddler.

Smoking I wouldn’t tolerate either. Give him the number of the local smoking cessation service.

Not sure what you can do about the snoring.

Farting could be diet related but unfortunately most people will fart in their sleep. He probably has a bad diet judging by everything else you’ve said.

Oh my god he sounds repulsive. I can’t believe you actually have sex with someone so gross.

His personal hygiene is obviously revolting and he must reek. Its gross.

However, you know what I find even worse than this?- the utter selfishness that he still wants sex. I mean, how selfish do you have to be to expect someone to kiss you when you never brush your teeth. Never. Think about how horrific his mouth must smell, let alone other bodily parts 🤮

You describe him as kind. I dont think he is "kind" at all.
I think he is revolting, entitled and selfish.

The thought of being intimate with someone like this turns my stomach. The feet would be bad enough but his mouth? His breath must stink if he's never cleaning his teeth. Have you noticed a change in his teeth? They will be rotting inside his mouth, especially if he smokes too. I hate to think what condition his gums are in 🤮

Wash or go hahaha

I always wonder how did you end up in a relationship like that in the first place? It’s not something that’s hidden and comes out in the wash 😂😂😂

Surely this comes in to play when you initially start interacting with the person?

It's very sad op, Some of the people I have met as described are lovely people. Bringing relatives to regular appts, genuinely nice humans, but they are just hygiene-blind. The smoking and drinking do not help.

Quite a bit of judgment on here, but if you find someone who is nice and who loves you and you love them, it will get you through a lot, but everyone has a limit, and you have reached yours. From a health point of view, start with exercise; walking in particular is great for mental health, and you can both shower afterwards and start good habits as you would with a teen,

Hopefully he will see the benefit and come with you, and if not, then unfortunately all the love in the world can't fix what he's not prepared to change. Best of luck Op

I had a date once with a guy who had an 'executive' job with an oil company. He asked me back for coffee.
When we got back to his house I asked to use the loo and when I lifted the seat it looked like there had been an explosion in a midden. I kid you not, it was dried and caked on.

I made an excuse said I'd changed my mind about a coffee, and left.

( I am looking for a "vomit" emoji but can't find one ! )

I’m sorry but he sounds vile . Cleanliness is essential.

He never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks.

It is not remotely normal to put up with someone so utterly repugnant. Most people would have run a mile at the first sign of extreme personal neglect. So my question remains.

Quite a bit of judgment on here

Sorry but no. Its perfectly ok for women to judge a man who doesnt look after his personal hygiene but still expects sex from his partner.

If this was solely about himself alone I would agree with you but he is expecting OP to have sex with him. Thats the epitome of selfish.

I am SO fed up of women having to put up with this shit and yet are constantly be expected to "be kind". NO. HE is not kind

Can your friends not smell him?

Your friends really like him? In spite of him stinking and having minging scuzzy teeth and awful breath?

That was a step too far for me. Sorry, not buying it.

I very much doubt at that point in time they made the connection between teeth and their affect on other areas. This could be from abscesses or other more obvious dental issues.

If this is true, and a grown adult has let it get this far and stay this bad for that long, which is hard to believe, then there's just no hope of him ever changing. No matter what you say or do. He has zero self awareness and it can't be taught. Think about whether you want to condemn yourself to a life with him, and why you would do that to yourself.