hygiene - he cannot change I guess it’s over

[Howldens]

My partner never ever brushes his teeth. His feet reek like you wouldn’t believe (like the worst blue cheese smell), he snores so loudly and farts so loudly it wakes me at night. he leaves skid marks on the toilet and often in his pants. He smokes and he drinks, he covered the garden in fag butts. I think something must have happened to him growing up to prevent him from properly maturing in this respect.

he wants sex and obviously I am repulsed by him. Sometimes we do have sex and I do enjoy our intimate connection when I can get past these issues. He is kind, patient and intelligent.

i have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times, he said I was being “mean” so I dropped it. I tried again but skirted the issue and focused on the fag butts….

We had a fight tonight and I finally said if he can’t sort this we have no future… but I am doubting myself, feeling guilty for feeling this way.

i just needed to write it down because I am starting to doubt myself.

Exactly!

You are absolute not being unreasonable. I honestly could not put up with one of those things, let alone all of them. That’s repulsive and I honestly don’t know how you cope. I would leave and I hope you find the strength to do the same unless he drastically changes.

He may be patient but is clearly neither kind nor intelligent. Please develop some self esteem and get rid of this loser.

Sorry but how is he even your partner?

I’m genuinely perplexed as to how you carried on seeing him after your first ever kiss. Wasn’t his breath absolutely rank, if he’s never brushed his teeth?

No one is painting you as the things you have said. Not desperate for sex but desperately low self esteem to think that’s what you are worth and to be saying well I hesitate to leave him because my friends like him ( am paraphrasing). To be questioning if you are being u reasonable or being mean , rather than being so furious that he thinks so little of you. To say that he washes the rest of him, you are being scrupulously fair and kind about how you describe him, all those things point to something in you where you think less of yourself than you should.

This is repulsive. I’m thinking what happened to YOU in YOUR childhood that makes you think this is a situation you should accept for yourself, I thought I had low standards but this is obscene.

if he’s a nice man then you can be friends with him, living apart, and staying up wind of him when you do meet up. But you shouldn’t be expected to share a space or be intimate with someone that doesn’t wash themselves or their
environment.

What’s the housing situation can you move out or kick him out?

It’s only going to get worse. Can you tolerate worse?

I said similar this morning and I just noticed it got deleted. Not sure why as it’s a very valid question.

Thank you.

8 years. God have mercy. You’re more gross than he is.

No words. I have, NO WORDS.

I couldn't even be intimate with George Clooney.

I think the thing that stands out to me is that he doesn't think about you. Mind you, I did have to once lose it at my husband, who left marks in the loo- I absolutely lost my shit and screamed at him that leaving it, which he had done many times over the years, was like saying to me; you are a human that should clean up my shit. It's literally contemptuous to me. He was quite handy with a toilet brush after that.

The rest of it; not cleaning teeth, smelling feet, loud farting (strange women don't fart that loud, perhaps we are socialised into being better controlled or going to the loo to do that), the fag butts, I don't get any of this. I can't imagine it so I can't help you. My guess is he doesn't wash enough either, and his clothes aren't the freshest.

I did meet a couple of guys when I was single who had clearly relied on their wives to get their clothes fresh, clean their houses and so on. If you don't have children, you don't have an incentive to live like this in the future, I also think he will end up very unhealthy, even die young as several of these habits (not brushing teeth/plaque is linked to heart disease, smoking shortens life for 2 out of 3 smokers, drinking daily) are genuinely unhealthy and not just a matter of hygiene.