Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Ah this is really hard for you.

As you say you can't stop it but I would try and distance yourself from it as much as possible.

So, he wants for the wedding fine he has them a for a few days before and after. That way you are not caught up in the excitement and by the time you see them it will be old news.
Last thing you need is them coming home talking about the wedding.

As he even told you he's getting married?

Booking a solo holiday over the wedding seems the only way to properly escape it all.

Nope he hasn’t even had the decency to tell me. He’s told DDs (8 and 5) and asked them not to tell Mama, so he could tell me at some point later

guess what. DDs told me the second I saw them and I started to cry as I was completely unprepared for the news which made DDs feel bad

who asks his children to keep secrets from their mother? The lack of empathy he has for me is mind boggling

You tell yourself she is marrying a known cheater. They deserve each other but you deserve better.

You can’t change their behaviour so you need to protect yourself by living well. 💐

Bluntly, you have to get on with your life. He’s not going anywhere.

What do you do when your DDs are with him? Is it moving towards 50/50 so you get time to do things? What have you done since he left that you’re proud of, that you didn’t think you could do? Come on, there’s more to you than him, tell us about that.

I’ve done a million things- I’ve opened my own business, have dated, have had loads of sex and I am generally very proud of what I’ve achieved and how far I’ve come

but situations like these just hurt.i know that I will get over this too and I wish I could just let it slide, but it hurts.

we were together for 18 years

Oh I’m so sorry, that must sting like hell. And mean for you to find out that way, to ask the girls to lie to you.

I would have a really calm but firm response prepared in your head for when he does finally tell you. Something like “Well of course I already know, small children aren’t capable of keeping secrets, they told me as soon as they came back. In the future I’d appreciate if you gave me a heads up before telling the kids any big news like that. And please don’t ask them to keep secrets, it’s not fair on them.”

I fully understand holding a lifelong resentment and grudge against the affair partner - I had to be in the same place as my XH's a few months ago, and it was galling, despite an amicable divorce, 15 years and a new marriage for both of us. But emotionally you need to get over him! You shouldn't still be hung up on him after 4 years. What are you doing to help yourself move on?

Spot on. He’s nothing. But you are truly special. Don’t be defined by him and his choices. Don’t get bitter and drink your own poison hoping they will die. Just accept it wasn’t meant to be and move on. Plan good stuff. Feel joy again.

Goodness OP what an utter twat. Bleurgh. He doesn't know his daughters very well either if he thought that 'trick' was going to work, does he? And yes, asking children to keep secrets from their mothers is manipulative and makes them vulnerable to grooming.

I think pps had the right idea. He has them for a few days before and after the wedding and you do something else entirely. If he finds that 'inconvenient' (as I imagine he well may), well then he has to find other flower girls or do without them.

But in the longer term, this is going to get better. My dad was a serial cheater and my mum had a terrible time of it, but she did get to a much better place eventually.

Just know that they can never truly trust each other considering how they got together.

And also how bloody stupid he was thinking an 8 and 5 year old could keep being flower girls a secret.

The good news is now you know so when he does eventually tell you you can deliver a beautifully practised response very calmly like you don't care.

I do feel joy, but him getting married just brings up a lot of stuff. I don’t necessarily think that 4 years is a long time especially if you’re constantly in contact either your ex and have to hear stories about him and his Girlfriend/OW

This is tough and is just one of many things ahead you’re going to have slap on a big smile for, even though it hurts. The very last thing you want to do is let your daughters see you’re upset.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her ex married the OW and her daughter was bridesmaid AND our friendship group all went abroad to the wedding. She struggled inside, and the day itself was particularly hard. But a few years on, she’s in a good place and I’m so proud that she held her head high for her daughter’s sake.

It’s awful but you have to distance yourself. This is your life now. She is marrying the kind of man who cheated on the person who bore his children. If he’s capable of that huge betrayal, there’s every chance that he will cheat on her. So look at their ‘perfect’ day with scepticism. No amount of beautiful flowers and pretty dresses will hide their dirty little actions. Think of your mutual friends, his family sitting there listening to him promise to be faithful to her, knowing he also promised you that. How can she believe him when he broke his vows with her? Think of the speech he will make when most of the guests have an opinion about him leaving you and your girls.
Hold your head up high; thank goodness he showed you what he was like because you have the opportunity now to meet someone who actually deserves you. Find some peace and minimise this event in your head. Marrying someone else doesn’t erase what he did to you and don’t be fooled into thinking life for them will be easy. If she’s never been married (especially if she doesn’t have kids) she will be acutely aware that he’s done it all before and that will sting. She is not getting any of the firsts and hasn’t exactly won a decent prize! Don’t let any of it get into your head. Your girls will have a fun day and be excited but you know the reality. Do something fabulous on the day; get dressed up and be with people who will boost you up.

hi OP. sending you lots of love. my EXH is getting married next March to the OW. my two boys (16&18) are apparently being best men. this is largely because he doesn't have any friends left after his appalling behaviour. we've been divorced for 12 mths. married for 22 yrs. (i have learned from countless friends that men move on quick...). like you, i've made huge steps in terms of moving on, but thoughts of the impending wedding make me want to throw up. my plan is to make sure i am available for the boys over the wedding weekend (yes i know they are much older, but they are not keen on the whole best man thing, and not keen on the OW in general), and then jet off to somewhere sunny and exciting on my own for a few days to kill the pain with many cocktails. good luck OP - we can do this x

Bless you!!!

You’re bloody fantastic @Mensuckbigtime - you’ve done all that while having small children. You’re capable of living a life on your own, while he’s only been able to lurch from one relationship to another. Next time you’re feeling sad about him, PM me with some life advice cos I could do with some of what you’ve done!!!

yes. this is outstandingly good advice.

@Mensuckbigtime previous pp got it right - ow is marrying a known cheater. You've done so much in your life and you are free of him!

It was really manipulative of him to ask young kids to keep a secret from their mother and not on. You need to have a word with him about that and how kids should not be told to keep secrets from their parents as it opens them up to grooming.

However, can you use this to your advantage and book yourself a holiday over the date of the wedding so you can be away?

I felt I had no choice. I need to financially support me and the girls and starting my own business was the best way to do so

Also there’s this defiance in me that just thinks „you watch me!“

I was pg and my mum was dying and he had an affair

it was pretty shit, but I was determined not to be bitter

i got on with my life and moved forward as best I could. I put all my energy into my life and took my dc away, saved for holidays

i told ow that my dc would always come first so I’d put my feelings aside to be as cordial as possible

he married the OW 4 years later, my dc were flower gurls

i enthused about their hair dresses and roles, for them it was lively. For me I felt sick, people who had been at our wedding went to their wedding.

she then had a baby and I told ow as far as I was concerned that all 3 dc had to come first

6 month later, he did the same to ow
He was having an affair when she was pg and left her with a 6 month old baby. he was really nasty in the way he did it

this time though, it wasn’t my pain

hes nit had more children but he’s gone on to have 3 more marriages, dds have been bridesmaids twice

they joke that his latest girlfriend must be blind…

sadly leopards don’t change their spots, so my message is don’t be envious of the pain he is going to cause and concentrate on making your life wonderful

Ps

let your dds know

never ever keep a secret from mummy and any adult telling you this must be ignored - even mummy

its what sex offenders do… not that your dd need to know that

had a conversation with both girls yesterday and also told ExH

Please don't tell someone they "shouldn't be hung up on this four years on". That's unhelpful and shows a lack of understanding.

The OP isn't "hung up" on her ex, she has moved on in many ways but news like this would always hurt no matter how much time has passed.
She isn't odd to feel upset, it's entirely normal after a long relationship has ended in betrayal.

I am wondering if you have gone through this yourself and thinking perhaps you haven't.

Aw I’m sorry, that must really hurt and I know I’d struggle with it too. As others have said though it will always be in the back of her mind that he is a cheater. She will know if he could do it with her he could do it to her.