Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

You need to practice radical acceptance here op. He did it. It’s shit, but you cannot change it. That is just a fact. And you also need to reflect on the fact that YOU have a choice now. You can either spend the rest of your life ruminating on how unfair it all is, which will damage both your physical and mental health or you can choose to not let this define you.
I agree, it’s a shit sandwich of epic proportions, it’s not fair and it’s not right but letting it ruin your life moving forward is not the best thing for you or your DC.
Every time the thoughts come into your mind acknowledge them but move them on…..”I know. But I’m not looking backwards, nothing for me there. I’m going forwards” Say it out loud, everytime. You’ll feel like an idiot but it does work.

Well done Op you sound like you enjoying life.
Remember the new wife will always be stuck with this cheater who already has DCs. You are now free. She will never, ever truly trust him and that is her problem.
As your DCs grow, you will have less and less involvement with your ex. Soon you won’t need to hear about him as your DCs will be old enough to plan their own visits etc. that is if they still want to go to their father’s and step mother’s house.
If your ex has children with her, this may drive a wedge between him and your DCs, who knows. It certainly won’t be easy for the second wife to deal with a new baby and step children.
It will also put a huge strain on your ex as he trys and fails to satisfy everyone.
The glamour will soon fade, it always does.
Ow don’t really want the domestic drudgery which comes with the old man.
Thankfully you are in a much better position.
You are also not here to pacify your ex or help his shitty situation.

I am in similar position op and I think the experience can only be understood by others who have been through it. My ex turned absolutely awful at the end so no one seems to understand why I am still sad at the loss of the relationship/family and the hurt I feel that he now has a new life with someone else and our children.

I have read so much about it and while I am not there yet from what I understand it’s just time sadly. We just need to plod on. But it seems so unfair and life is hard with this sadness always present, while they are so happy .

i do know this from experience that you reach a point where you don’t care because it’s sadly happened to me twice and I really could not care less about my first husband ( though he is no longer with the OW so that helps) . But I also met my now second ex very quickly and that also helped a lot. Now older and wiser and will not be getting into new relationship.

good luck op.

I think you’re spot on. Unless you’ve experienced this, you can’t fully understand what it feels like

i don’t know the answer- I guess it’s moving on with occasional wobbles

as for dating- I might give that one up too

sending hugs your way!

Let them let them let them is my new mantra

Well, I wouldn't facilitate their wedding in any way- wouldn't be there picking the kids up so they can go on honeymoon, etc. If they wanted my kids to attend their little charade, they'd have to sort childcare themselves. I'd be taking myself off on holiday. Fuck the moral high ground. I'd also tell my kids about the affair - if that means I have a 'personality disorder' (as the previous poster who'd been in prison suggested), so be it. He's handled this very badly asking the kids to hide it.

I won’t facilitate the wedding in any way. I also won’t have the girls for two weeks so he can go on a long honeymoon

i won’t tell them about the affair- that’s adult stuff and their children who don’t even know what sex is

but yeah, no way I’m going to „help“ with the wedding

You do know he can just go away when they are with you and you will have no choice but to have them?

Yeah, then I will take him to court if he does that :)

Take him to court to do what?

Gosh they are some nasty bastards on this thread. Op you sound very strong and don’t worry about crying as a one off in front of your girls, you are a human with emotions and there’s absolutely nothing wrong or harmful by showing them that it’s ok to be upset.

If he just leaves the kids with me against an agreement

I don’t live in the UK- different country, different rules

Yeah it seems like some people just come to aggravate. Quite sad
but thanks for your kind words

You poor thing. Things have a way of bubbling up again when you get a shock and are caught off guard!

Late to the party, OP, but I recommend getting a couple of sessions of therapy if you can afford it.

You're over him and have moved on, and talking it through with a trained therapist will help examining your feelings about the wedding (which are totally valid, don't take this advice as an insinuation that you're overreacting or not over him or something like that) and setting them aside.

Therapy's not just for people in crisis or for people who can't cope, it's healthcare. You'd go to the doctor if you broke your arm.

Im starting therapy in September :)

So glad for you OP.

Wow. And another kick in the stomach

just picked up the girls and youngest DD cries telling me how much she misses OW.

DDs haven’t seen me for quite some time and that’s the first thing I am told

smile and grin and swallow my feelings

I’m sorry that sounds hard. I know you probably don’t want to hear this part right now probably, but it’s worth bearing in mind how much worse things could be if the woman they need to spend time with was cruel to them, which happens. In that sense, missing her suggests she is kind and they are cared for in the other parent’s home at least. I have experience of the ‘wicked stepmother’ and the damage that causes during childhood.

You know you are their only mum and they love you, it’s just transitions are hard. Try to remember the positives and not let that get to you.

They're little, OP. They are so sure and secure in their love with and from and for you that they don't understand anything might make you feel like that.

They know you are their only mother.

It just caught me off guard. I thought she was crying because she had missed me

Oh that is so hard.

But, you didn’t let your DD see any of that. Well done - that’s a tough thing for anyone to hear 💐

I am absolutely certain she missed you while she was away from you. She feels completely safe to share her feelings with you, which is a very very good thing after your twat ex tried to get her to keep a secret from you.

When they are older they will understand what all of this cost you and what you did to protect them and keep peace and balance for them.

Try and remind yourself that shes missing a fun Auntie or family friend. She is not and never will be a replacement Mother.

And be totally honest with yourself - would you rather she has a good relationship with your ex’s partner, likes her and is happy in her company…….. or would you prefer an evil stepmother who makes your children unhappy?

Ugh, that must have been so tough, you poor thing!
She's no doubt been spoilt rotten and misses that attention but it's not real & she's just very young.
You might pick her up another time & she'll say she doesn't like OW because she told her off.

Young kids can be very fickle in their feelings towards some people but her feelings for you, her actual mum, who loves & cares for her and has since she was born will always be rock solid & true.

Hang in there, OP xx

@Mensuckbigtime you're her rock, her reliable one, the one she knows will always be there. When she grows up hopefully you'll get the fruit of this, but this is what you are for her now, in all the real ways. She's just returned from an emotionally glitter filled, princess time with someone new to her life. That's grabbed her attention. And this ow may become an additional person in her family who's good for her. That would be a good thing, for her, too have a positive and safe relationship with this new person in her life. But you're her Mum, ow is ow.