Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Honestly. Some of the comments on here are nuts.

Marriages fail and people move on and deserve to be happy. Even cheaters. It would be much worse if the daughters were not involved in their dad‘s wedding. None of this is their fault.

I think you should leave this thread.

Amen! I try my very best, but sometimes I too am „weak“ ie emotional.

He may not owe the OP anything but he shares responsibility for the well-being of the kids. If it’s such a huge issue that the OP cried once then he could have prevented it. Why are you trying to make her feel shit for a completely understandable reaction to surprising and upsetting news?

Try to ignore posters who clealry haven;t been in your situation and think you should be some saint. You are allowed to be human. It won't harm your children. It's perfectly possible to say: I am upset but that is not your fault or responsibility and I will be happy again. I am happy for you, that you are flower girls. That is a lovely experience and you will have a wonderful day.

I hope they do have a good day. I hope he has organised for familiar family members to care for them while he is preoccupied with the event. Grandparents or aunties who will make sure there is food they like to eat, who will take them home when they are tired etc.

Also, I don’t want my ExH back, but I’m also not going to pretend that it doesn’t affect me
i don’t want to pretend that I don’t give a shit because it does hurt and I have to function all the time, I’m not going to hide my feelings just to pretend like I’m strong

For your own dignity and to not give him the satisfaction, then in front of your ex I would be pretending that it doesn’t affect me and that I don’t give a shit - if he cared about your feelings he wouldn’t have run off with an OW. He literally does not care.

For your kids sake, I would also be pretending that I don’t care/I am excited for them to be attending it.

You cannot help that you cried because you were put on the spot and dragged up old emotions - that’s absolutely fine.
But afterwards you can explain it to the girls and tell them how happy you are for their dad and how exciting it will be to be part of their wedding.

From your girls POV - they do not need to know the ins and outs of the relationship dramas.
All they know is that they love their mum and dad equally and that their dad is getting married and they’re excited to be part of it.
The last thing they want is to be confused as to why you’d be upset when it’s been 4 years (a very long time to them) and whether they should be upset too etc.

By all means vent as much as you want on here or to friends in RL.
You have my full sympathies as it’s so hurtful and heartbreaking and there’s literally nothing you can do about it which is so shit.

It's not weak to have feelings. People who think it is worry me.

Im a very far from being a desperate woman and I don’t want him back

but I am upset about the wedding. Both things can co-exist, they are not exclusive

Im not ashamed for feeling hurt, because I al

Inwill continue to protect my children as best as possible but im
not going bear myself down for crying ONC

That is true.
Maybe I should have said "lasting relationships". However, that isn't measurable statistically, and marriages are.
Once the cheater has left the marriage (and the betrayed partner is no longer a factor) the 'triangulation' that was going on stops, the dynamics of the affair changes and the two cheaters are on their own.
They have to learn that they are now no longer united against the 'wicked' spouse and have to unite together.
At this time they may find they have less in common than they thought. 🤔

I know that’s why I put weak in „“

As I said, IME, the cheater is just as likely to go on to a great life than not

How do you know? You’re assuming they are. You’re also assuming a couple of cheaters feelings are worth anything.

You’re also projecting your fears of ever standing up for yourself incase it doesn’t have the effect you want it to. Anytime I’ve confronted someone it’s had the desired effect and made me feel better. Same as if someone has confronted me I struggle with ignoring it. So for me your assumption would be incorrect.

Maybe you’re better on anonymous forums being unkind.

Just wanted to say ignore the horrible posts, you're human and doing your best. You got through the divorce & discovery of OW and a huge betrayal, you're strong and you will get through this too. Deep breath, chin up (try to resist sending reactive messages to ex) and remember OW is marrying a cheating scumbag... you know what they say, when a man marries his mistress it creates a vacancy.

If it helps, they say the man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy.

And more second marriages fail than first ones.

Its not standing up for yourself to send a shitty message 4 years later to a man that does not care because you haven't properly moved on.

I am not being unkind, its just truthful. People just don't like the truth now. Which is fine, its the OPs kids who will end up with emotional damage.

Sending love OP. Sounds like a horrible situation for you to navigate

Oh snap @AltitudeCheck

Oh c'mon now.

This is the childrens father. Of course they should attend his wedding. They are going to be in his life, for the rest of his life.

If he didn't involve them in the wedding, this would be way worse.

It is just a hard pill for OP to swallow.

It is the confirmation that he has moved on without her.

Correct. The old phrase ‘when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy…’ but it’s true. Reframe your thinking (or have therapy!?) She’ll spend her whole life knowing at the back of her mind that he could do it again. She’s not to be envied! He’s a cheating bastard. You’re lucky you haven’t spent your best years with him. To ‘get over it’ you need to find something to fill the void - your girls, your friends, hobbies etc and maybe dating.

lets agree to disagree.
making a woman feel shitty because she cried once in front of her children is a shitty thing to do

Not in my experience but maybe that's just my experience.

In any case no-one knows the inner dynamics of others' relationships. "All that glitters" and all that.

OP would not have had a raw reaction in front of her children if her ex had communicated this appropriately (which imo would be in a message for her to read and process privately). I’m sure it’s part of why she feels hurt and angry too. It’s also why she was absolutely right to message him and make than known. He’s the one who has acted inappropriately, not her, and you can see from her posts that she intends to put her DC first despite other posters advising her to scupper the plans.

Although, I came across a wedding card that said ‘Second time’s the charm’ and I wondered who would choose a card like that and why…might be worth bearing in mind closer to the time if you want to send them best wishes 😂

OP, I don’t think you did anything wrong in crying in front of your children. They now know you’re upset - that’s fine.

I don’t know why women are always expected to put the children first when the dad who fucked off with another woman clearly wasn’t putting his children first. In contrast, a few tears are nothing compared to what he did to them and their family.

I wouldn’t talk about the wedding with the kids and definitely not to him other than to sort out practicalities.

I agree with PP who said let him have the girls for a few days before and after the wedding, it’s the least he can do as chances are they will be excited and want to talk about it, and I’m sure you want to hear about it.

I hope things feel easier for you soon.

After I cried I had a long conversation with both girls about what happened and how we shouldn’t keep secrets and how mamas feelings are her responsibility and not the girls

im doing the right things to protect them