Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Just to add, make him keep them for 2 days before the wedding and a few days after, he cant just expect you to pick them up from wedding or him dump them back to you the next day, he can keep them.a few days after,that will piss new wife off,when they want some alone time/honeymoon.
Why don't you book yourself a holiday or very long weekend whilst the wedding is on,so hell have to keep the kids

It doesn’t make her look desperate, it makes her look as though she is wounded from her family and marriage being trashed. Which she is, quite reasonably.

You need to do better in front of your children and put them first, its not right they need to see you cry and manage your feelings. Be the grown up here. Your poor kids.

4 years have past! yes, it does.
Him and his wife to be probably had a good laugh at the OPs message. She needs to get some self respect.

There really is no such thing as karma

I would tend to disagree about that.

If two people go around lying, cheating and betraying another party for their own ends, then all the negativity they are pumping out will come back on them eventually.
However, I agree that no-one should hang around waiting for toxic people to get their 'comeuppance' and doing your best to move on is the best course of action.
My ex and his OW had a catalogue of bad luck from the minute he moved in with her. She lived near the centre of town and one Saturday some rampaging football fans set fire to an outbuilding on the premises and did £1,000s worth of damage.
It was reported in the local press but didn't give the exact address so I didn't know it was them for quite a while.
When I did, I allowed myself a little chuckle.

They had other misfortunes but I won't detail them as it could be 'outing'.

Oh, and I have a framed photo in my office of my DC as bridesmaid and usher at their wedding.

The kids look stunning and it demonstrates a level of detachment I feel positive about. I didn’t want my kids to feel guilty in any way.

It really is tough OP but you can do this!

What a stupid thing to say. I didn’t plan to cry, it happened. I’m not going to feel bad for being human and having emotions

I know it hurts, but I would try to protect my dd's from your feelings.
I am not sure it is helping them to be crying about it openly in front of them.

They are still very young, and this is a big change for them too.

I was a child of divorce, and my mother did this and it affected me quite badly. It was not my place to blame my father, but it felt like I had to due to my mothers reaction.

They may be carrying a lot of guilt for enjoying themselves while in their fathers company, knowing you might be at home crying and upset.

Of course it is okay to feel upset, but please try shelter than from them.

Yep, sorry. But making your young children feel guilty about their role in the wedding would be a shitty thing to do to them @Mensuckbigtime

You couldn't help your initial tears, fair enough. But now you have to think about your children, and no, they don't have to see the 'honest' you when they want to show you their dresses or talk about the wedding.

But I do think that your ex needs to have them for the few days running up to the wedding. Of course he won't want to, "we'll be really busy and can't have the kids under our feet" but you need to push for that, and take yourself off somewhere.

I had been married 20 years when my husband left me for the other woman. My youngest child was 14. I did what you are doing, I put my children first. I never thought I would get over the heartbreak, but here I am, my children now grown up, him on his 3rd wife and me widowed after the most wonderful happy marriage, and with an affectionate friendship with my first husband.
My children are grateful that I gritted my teeth and got on with it. Never asked them about the other woman, never said anything nasty about their father, and was friendly with both of them at family celebrations. Their marriage, which was based on other people’s misery, was very unhappy and they divorced (and don’t speak) after 10 years. Her children endured two lots of hurt, as they lost a stepfather who was loving , as well as the separation from their daddy when they were very young.
I know it’s hard, but keep your chin up, make sure you are occupied on the day they are flower girls. And if you can bear it, send a congratulations card. It will make her a bit uneasy about your relationship with him, make her wonder about your motives. Your children will love to say ‘Mummy sent you this’. And nobody will ever be able to say that you were not the better person in a difficult situation.

Although the comment was quite direct and maybe a bit harsh, it really is not a stupid thing to say.

Trouble is, other women sometimes think they are on so special as he's cheated with them and left their wives, sometimes even married then. So they don't give this any thought. They think they've won.

You are the adult here. Making your kids feel bad when they are telling you something they are probably looking forward to is terrible. You could have covered it up, made an excuse to go to the bathroom. As humans we have control over emotions too.
Yes, its ok to feel sad about it but do it in private. You will damage your children.

I think this is unhelpful to tell people because IME, just as often, the cheating couple go on to a successful, happy relationship. To the betrayed person, that makes it seem like the world rewarded them with good things once they left their marriage via infidelity.

I hear you, but trust me, I do protect my children
i cried ONCE- it’s ridiculous how much pressure is out on mothers to bear and grin whilst fathers (in my case) can fuck around

ive met OW twice to show my DDs that I can have a coffee with her and that it’s ok for them to have a bond with her

im doing my bit but I’m not a robot

I agree and bad things happen to everyone. Even those that don't deserve any bad karma, its just unlucky.

@saraclara But I do think that your ex needs to have them for the few days running up to the wedding. Of course he won't want to, "we'll be really busy and can't have the kids under our feet" but you need to push for that, and take yourself off somewhere.

This is good advice.
He created this situation, so let him 'step up to the plate' and parent his own kids for a few days.
Also the OW can see first hand what the situation will be like with kids being in the mix.

He’s a cheat. He’ll cheat on her too.

Like you say, only 4 years… let’s see if he manages another 16 or strays sooner with her.

You’re doing absolutely amazing! 🙌

Don’t feel bad for crying either, that must have been like being punched right in the heart. I think he knew what he was doing telling the girls first too, what a prick.

If you know the date of the wedding can you organise going away yourself for that time? Get some distraction and distance.

Sending strength!

I wouldn’t be feeling the need to indulge her with a coffee that often @Mensuckbigtime

and as for the wedding planning/facilitating and getting girls to fittings, rehearsals etc etc? Let them get on with that with 0% involvement from you - be interested when the girls chat about it - that’s it. X

And my ex and his new wife lead an absolutely charmed life. They’re both complete reformed characters and they’ve had nothing but abundance of financial success since they got together.
So where’s the karma in that then?

Nobody sees what goes on behind closed doors… outward success doesn’t mean people are happy.

It's horrible 😞 you are only human and bound to feel upset! Just remember she's marrying a cheater and he will be her problem from now on - you are free of him! You have come a long way and this is just a blip. One day you will realise you feel only indifference towards him. You will get there, I promise! Be kind to yourself 💐

Ah I am so very sorry to read this, my heart goes out to you.

I think what the above poster says about distance is a good thing. He (or his mum/sister/brother etc) will need to have them for a few days, sort them out, buy their dresses, do their hair etc etc so that this does not impinge on you.

This is his thing, not yours, and it’s fine for you to say to your girls “it’s really hard for Mummy, she loved Daddy and he went away so Mummy is not involved in Daddy’s new wedding.” And just be honest with him as well - unless he’s exceptionally cruel he should accept that with good grace.

If he is exceptionally cruel and doesn’t accept this it will remind you why it is better that you are no longer together.

And if they have a wonderful, bonding few days preparing for the wedding where the children become more familiar and secure with her wider family, what then?

Well he's a prince among men isn't he! Revel in the fact that many many women on the internet think he is a complete tool.