Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Pretending you’re not upset wouldn’t invalidate THEIR feelings. Being upset and crying is all about your feelings not theirs.

Please don’t place them in a loyalty bind. The only person you will hurt is them. They’re stuck with the father they have. You don’t have to cheerlead the relationship but by showing them you’re upset by it you give them an impossible choice and put them in such an uncomfortable position.

Maybe keep communication with your ex child focused too. Your thoughts on his wedding are irrelevant and it would be better to share those with confidantes not him. Not least it’ll probably give him enormous satisfaction that he’s upset you.

But it is what you see. I mean you can sit there imagining that they are secretly miserable and it is all a facade but that just makes you the crazy one.

He's an utter bastard and involving your children in the wedding is just cruel and unnecessary. I would be absolutely furious if my babies were expected to play a role in the wedding of two people who betrayed and hurt their mother so deeply.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying in front of children ONCE. That is not burdening them with my pain or distress

If I was told that somebody had had an acxident

Statistically only 5 to 7% of affair relationships lead to marriage and of those, approximately 75% end in divorce. So if we assume only 25% of the initial 7% last, this means that less than 2% turn into long-lasting marriages. So the success rate is low.
Affairs usually start in a secretive and dishonest way, which creates a foundation for trust issues and other challenges in the relationship. In addition, relationships that start as affairs may be viewed as taboo or stigmatized by society, which can create additional difficulties and stress for the couple.
Then you have the issue of "blended families", which, judging by posts on MN, are a common source of problems

I really feel for you, @Mensuckbigtime - this must be so hard, but I sincerely hope that you can find a way to manage your strong emotions.

Crying in front of your daughters and being visibly upset will upset them deeply and may make them feel guilty about being involved in their father’s wedding, and this could have long term repercussions.

Maybe a few counselling sessions might help?

Then that is good as well. It is entirely sh*t for children when their parents split up, it damages people and affects their life chances greatly. So at the very least it will be better for the girls to be properly accepted and bonded into the new family.
They willl still love their Mum.

take yourself away when it’s happening, a week aboard, a week hiking in scotland, a solo trip to city, whatever takes your fancy.. get your mind off it. It will really help I promise. 🫂

You can't really use marriage as an accurate measure of this outcome because marriage is increasingly less common in our society.

It is a lot easier to do that if you know it’s coming. In my view, the father created this situation by blindsiding OP with the news via the children. Sounds like that has already been addressed which is good. He has responsibility for creating the right conditions for the girls to feel happy/supported/excited - it’s not all on the OP

OP I'd be in incredible pain too, if I were you. The only things that I can imagine would help would be to tell myself: I am glad I am no longer married to someone who doesn't love or respect me. And (bit harder) at least he is including his daughters, and making them central in his wedding which looks good for him maintaining future responsibility towards them.
Focus on really loving and healing yourself, developing your self respect, self compassion, self love and self esteem. The more you do, the less pain you will feel at having been betrayed.

I cried once!!! And if he’d told me beforehand, I wouldn’t have cried at all

i was caught off guard. Am I supposed to tell my children that I’m not upset when I’m crying. That would be invalidating their correct assessment

i cried once and now I’m a bad mother for damaging my children?!

I thought this was the case with my ex and ow.

They seemed to be sailing through after they got married.. nice house, fancy cars, holidays.

Then a mutual friend told me that she had hit on him at a work conference. It was made very clear that she would be happy to come up to his room for the night.

It was some years later, but boy, did that make me smile from ear to ear. Things are not always as they appear.

I will just say that during the affair, she was also married. So they are both cheats. And so although it didn't happen that night, I would take a good guess that my exh cheater has now also been cheated on.

I wonder if there has ever been a blended family that worked? It’s hard to imagine anything more challenging.

And now a vacancy becomes available..

I'm so sorry OP.
I think it just seems infuriating that someone can cheat and get on with their life while the person cheated on is left totally broken. I'd maybe take the comfort knowing it they have low enough morals to cheat, their marriage is might not be as good but at the same time, best to focus on your life rather than spend any thinking about them.

It’s very hard but once it’s over it will start to hurt less.

On the day of the wedding make sure you are distracted. Arrange to be with a friend or go somewhere nice.
The girls will want to show you pictures of them in their bridesmaid dresses aftery and you will have to say how beautiful they look. Focus on that and not why they had the dresses on. Practice beforehand.

Stop guilting her for a human response.

Honestly, according to this thread you can’t get mad, you can’t get even, you can’t cry, be angry, you have to be the better person.

Have her back. He’s an absolute cunt and I hope her message has annoyed them so much they can’t feel any joy in talking about their wedding. Because they’ll keep thinking about your text. Send another tomorrow 🤣 Or don’t! It’s your choice.

I very much doubt this is the only time you have cried in front of them, considering how you are talking.

Plus, he doesn't owe you anything, he doesn't have to tell you anything. Expect nothing from him as he does not care about you or your feelings.

You aren't a bad mother, you are doing an incredible job. It sounds like you have picked yourself up and moved on from a horrible situation in which you were left literally holding the baby while he swanned off with another woman.

Of course you were upset by this information and crying about it is nothing to be ashamed of and it won't have damaged your children, that's so dramatic & ridiculous!
What damaged them more than their father blowing their family apart?? Honestly!

Posters seems to be assuming you are now constantly weeping in front of them and offloading your sadness which of course you aren't.
What you are going through is incredibly hard and you have every right to be upset.
xx

I totally agree with this. It is healthy to show children that we cry when we are in pain.

But it would not be healthy to manipulate them or make them responsible for parental happiness, so it is important to literally tell them this. "I am still very sad that daddy left me, but you are not in any way responsible for me being sad or for making me happy again. That's my job as a grown up. I am very glad for you that he loves you and wants you to be flower girls. It's okay to be sad sometimes, and there are lots of fun ways to make ourselves feel better when we are sad, like playing with the dog, watching funny films, seeing our friends, having a cuddle with our lovely family." etc.

OP has every right to be a real person, not some Stepford doll who pretends all is fine. The balance is that the responsibility for coping with her sadness never ever falls on her children, nor should they think that things they are orchestrated to do by her ex are their responsibility. Showing them how she rebuilds her happiness would be a really positive thing for them to witness. Way better than pretending she doesn't care about something that has so obviously ruptured their lives.

You sound like a delightful human being LOL

I think a number of posters here are concerned about you putting emotional pressure on your children even if inadvertently - and trying to help you avoid doing that. There’s a huge amount of sympathy for you here but perhaps others can see things more clearly than you can, because of your hurt.

What a rude and unhelpful post!
If you can't be supportive of the OP then maybe move on from this thread?

How do you know she has cried in front of her children?
Why is she getting the guilt that she might "damage" her children by showing emotion when their father caused so much damage to their lives by shagging someone else & leaving but he seems to get more sympathy here?
Unbelievable!