Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Thanks everyone! I can’t describe how I felt when she said it, it just knocked me over

Been there, done that. No advice, it's been twenty years and I still dislike them both. But our children are grown up and have little to do with either of them. I was fairly obsessed when it first happend, felt quite winded. I couldn't care less now, she's welcome to him. They're a great match, no morals. I still think there's ways of doing things and cheating wasn't the best one.
No words of wisdom, it eases with time..I would struggle hearing my children talk about them, it stings, good luck OP.. You're doing great.

Its better then her hating her life with her dad & step mum. see the positives

I guess but it would have felt way nicer if OP's daughter had run into her arms & said she had missed her - anyone can see that even if the mature thing to do is "see the positive" in this.

Eventually that will come, but right now the little ones saying they miss the woman who helped wreck the OP's family is going to hurt.

Thanks for understanding

Revel in the classic mumsnet saying "when a man marries his mistress there's a vacancy"

Even though that’s absolute bollocks.

I can imagine that ex and op were doing overtime trying to convince your little ones how lucky they were to be part of the whole honeymoon, nuptials thing with plenty of treats.
You have a loyalty to your ex still, perhaps still believing in the charming guy who wove his web around you .
Remember he was on overdrive trying to convince you he was a worthwhile partner who could do no wrong.
The reality was clearly very different and ultimately you got divorced.
This is the crunch line. The wonderful dream dissipated. The romance vanished and the reality was not worth you continuing in the relationship.
Technically your relationship hit the rocks and sank like Titanic.
I think its your loyalty that makes you hang on to the idea that he's a decent guy, at least good for your beautiful daughters.
But really he betrayed you, the children and himself because he could never live up to the amazing person he made himself out to be.
You can forgive yourself for being naive. In fact you have to forgive yourself and accept that he sold you a dream.
He's obviously good at convincing people hes a good thing but he wants out when the cracks start to show.
So you know this will inevitably happen.
Only he may get round to a bit of pushing, shoving and slapping in order to keep the ow compliant.
She has already invested deeply in her own position and may be willing to do anything to maintain a bit of normality and potentially social approval.
You, on the other hand are out of the charade.
You have won the right to have genuine feelings if/ when you meet someone else.
Your children enjoyed the introduction to the new charade.
The treats, the fuss, the niceness.
You can be very grateful that they wont see the relief that they're not there any more, the uncertainty of the future or the grandiose plans.

Misogynistic bollocks to boot. And completely irrelevant to OP's issue. Even if the new wife gets heartbroken and the man gets more cheating sex, as so many on here think is right and just when husbands are unfaithful, it won't actually help OP.

How is it misogynistic? If a man screws around on his first wife, is he not likely to do it again?

He might, as might anyone, but this trite and horribly overused saying focuses entirely on punishing the woman (even when she didn't cheat on anyone) and rewarding the cheating man. To be fair, many on here think that is right and proper, but they're wrong.

It's widely attributed to Sir James Goldsmith, who was a known womaniser. I suppose you could say that he knew all about exploiting women but it's pretty horrible - misogynistic - for a man to cheat and the only response being a gleeful warning of all the punishment awaiting his new woman and all the lovely cheating sex awaiting him, from the lips of a man who objectified women. Can't people come up with a glib saying to use forever about the cheating husband's shitty behaviour?

I think my goal will have to be do distance myself from them and their outward happiness as much as possible

i don’t know what goes on psychologically in a man who cheats on his wife and mother of his children and a women who co-cheats (OW knows me). My guess is a lot of energy will go into justifying and making it worth the while (hence everything going on turbo mode- moving in, getting engaged in 3 years), so as to prove it was worth it all in the end for Romeo and Juliet

i have no control over what happens and as much as I wish there was some kind of reckoning at some point, I’ve live fling enough to know that „justice“ doesn’t exist

anyway, I will try and not let their happiness sour me.

i will go on dates and get laid- like I did last night :)

You really are rather awesome.

Maybe, maybe not, but the point id its irrelevant to the op and this idea that 'karma' will somehow right it all is unhelpful. The op needs to make her contentment and happiness completely unrelated to their relationship.
OP Im a decade on and promise its gets easier. My worst moment was ex and ow arriving together on boxing day morning to take my kids away to his family for their Christmas for a week. Hideous. But time passes and while he continues to be an absolute arse who still cant make eye contact with me, his current wife seems decent to my kids and has helped my dd at various points when she's had period issues there. As theyre getting older they are more aware of who does all the heavy lifting, who is truly there for them and where his priorities are. That's hard for them to deal with and irritatingly causes more emotional lifting for me helping them through it but it does come.
As many others have said, the best way is forward. Carve out a life for yourself. Date if you want, casually or whatever, move forward. You and your kids will be tight little team and you'll be great.

Eventually that will come, but right now the little ones saying they miss the woman who helped wreck the OP's family is going to hurt.

Its been 4 years, the little girl with of course miss her step mum and id rather my kid liked their step mum rather then they hated going over there.

Id really really like to meet you in real life 😍

Thanks so much
DDs crawled into bed with me tonight and I had arms and legs everywhere but it was lovely :)

You are doing so well, rest assured that even though the children are young, they still know you are their rock , their safe place, their mother ❤️