Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Just goes to prove your ex is incredibly stupid and doesn’t actually care about anyone but himself. Sad that he would manipulate his own children in this way

that's not a man, it’s a feeble excuse - your lucky to be out of that relationship and have your freedom

It’s one of the worst pains to go through, but rest in the knowledge that he’ll do the same to her down the line.

This ^.

My ex didn't marry his OW for 6 years. (Whether or not he would have married her if she hadn't been pregnant is up for speculation.)
It still rankled a bit, especially because when I was pregnant (I didn't know about the affair) he wanted nothing to do with us and told me to "get rid".

They've each got a cheater for a partner so they are perfectly matched.🙄

It is always harder to get over someone when you have children as you have no choice to see them or hear from DC what they're up to and it's like a mountain you can never quite reach the top of. 💐

Sometimes it’s worth being a little crazy just to make yourself feel better. I’m not sure why being the bigger person matters all the time,
you’ve come so far and if something like this hurts you let people know. Not the girls though!

Id get loads of abuse on here if I said what I would do after receiving this news. It’s too early in the week for that though.

So, he left you when your youngest was aged 1. This means he was probably cheating when she was still a baby. He sounds a prize catch.

He will probably breed with the new female.

Things will improve with time. You have done really well so far and will achieve so much more as your kids grow up.

Grit your teeth and remind yourself that you only have 13 years maximum more of this. In reality, the girls will probably arrange things with him directly once they are at secondary school.

Arrange a little treat for yourself on the wedding day/weekend.

I absolutely understand how you’re feeling. I’m the same, desperately don’t want it to hurt but it does. Mine isn’t at that stage yet, just over 2yrs since separation and OW only came to light in March but it hurts that my adult kids and grandkids are building a relationship with her.
Be kind to yourself.

do let us know!!
I’ve already sent him a message with my feelings towards the wedding and it wasn’t kind. I feel like I’m doing my bit by protecting the girls, I don’t feel like I need to protect him.

Has he told you the date? Shame you already booked a weekend away with the girls then......

Sorry, nosey questions! Did you go to the wedding of your friend's ex too? If so, was it a tough decision? If not, what did you think of the friends that did attend?

Reminds me of that old saying “Marry the mistress, create a vacancy…”

(they’ll never be able to fully trust each other because of how they got together. I know that may not give you any peace, but I should think it’s definitely crossed her mind).

I suggest going to see a counsellor and talk about him and your feelings until you are completely bored of it. Or write it out. You need to get it out of your system so it stops hurting so much. I know it's easier said than done, but the alternative is to allow him to hurt you for many years more.

Being bitter only hurts you and potentially your relationship with your children.

I know a woman who didn't seem to manage to move on after many years, and I feel really bad for her because it's overshadowed so much of her life.

@Mensuckbigtime I’ve already sent him a message with my feelings towards the wedding and it wasn’t kind. I feel like I’m doing my bit by protecting the girls, I don’t feel like I need to protect him.

I did likewise.

I needn't have been concerned, because they got married at the end of November and it was overcast and pi$$ed it down all day. 😆

Exactly this.
When you read any advice about how to get over someone the first thing is always to completely break contact but when you have children that's often impossible to do & you will always hear things you don't want to via the children.

It's incredibly tough and takes real strength of character to deal with while trying to present a smiling, neutral front to your children.

The partner who cheated & left can never understand how this feels & often acts in a thoughtless, selfish way which also runs salt into the wounds.

As a PP said, it's like having a wound that gets smaller but never fully heals.

I've been there, my ex in laws told me. My daughters were bridesmaids. It was a kick in the stomach at the time. I'm not exactly their biggest fans now but care a lot less. I wouldn't mind if they got some bad karma. It gets easier with time. There's no secret I found to getting over it, try to detach yourself and give less of a shit or it will drag you down and they'll of moved on.

I mean I’d probably do something which would upset the actual wedding day. Just enough to piss them off and put a dampener on it.

I hope you used the word cheating cunt in there. For both of them. Maybe a mock up of their wedding invite. Send it to them. People don’t like it when you’re bitter and twisted. I think it’s great therapy.

I get how upset you are,cheating is the ultimate betrayal, but karma is a wonderful thing,once a cheat always a cheat, eventually he will cheat on her they always do.
Shes obviously a woman with no morals whatsoever. Keep strong, you'll have the last laugh xx

This ^
She is choosing to marry someone she knows is a cheat and a liar.
I think there is a saying about a man marrying his mistress means there is a new vacancy….
She will spend the rest of their time together looking at other women within their circles, every time he is late etc wondering if he’s doing the same thing to her.

I hope you’re feeling a bit better op and this thread is helping. I don't blame you for crying in front of the girls, it was an emotional response in the moment. If they remember when they're older it might give them a bit of perspective too. I'm sure you already know, but you're much better off without that cheating arsehole!

Don’t be this pathetic. What a ridiculous suggestion that would do nothing but make the OP look bitter, twisted and deranged.

Hold your head high and think about your daughters.

He's a coward op, he's told your girls before he's had the decency and respect to tell you and then told them to lie about it or "keep it a secret" he's just a coward.
You have moved on by the sounds of it and have created your own life away from him. That takes guts and shows you the woman you are. But you are still allowed to feel sad, that there is this new life happening which includes your girls and not you. It's your family and the dynamics have changed, the day I expect will be hard for you there's no getting away from that, but I liked what a previous poster said about helping the girls, even though it makes you feel sick , don't let them see how upset you are, that is all they will remember about this time , that you made it difficult because you were so emotional, so you put your face on, help them ,talk to them about the dresses they'll be wearing, the flower etc. and then talk to a good friend about how you feel really, or come on here and have a good old rant about it. Your girls will just remember how dignified and gracious their mum was, and the dad will end up showing his true colours.
Good idea about getting away when it's the wedding? Have you got any girl friends who fancy a little trip away so your not on your own and you can go and have some fun

You’ll be very lucky if he has them before the wedding and afterwards
My ex didn’t have his child on the weekend before the wedding that was his weekend because he had things to do and then fucked off on a three week honeymoon that he didn’t mention either
Good luck

It happened to me and she was a friend. He got the kids to FaceTime from the wedding and I could see the bride in the background getting her hair done. It was so awful.

However, I couldn’t give a shit now, she’s welcome to him and I’m so happy without him.

Plan something really nice to do that weekend to treat yourself and celebrate your freedom from a bell end!

Take comfort in the fact they’ll never truly be able to trust each other, she’s always going to be the OW and he’s always going to be the cheater, your girls will come to know when they’re old enough just exactly who he is.

I always wonder in those situations what their families must truly think. If he were my brother I’d have made it crystal clear that he ruined your life and destroyed your family unit and certainly wouldn’t be attending any sham wedding.

No, you can't do this to your children. You can't change their routine to force dad to have them for days he doesnt usually have them and then ban them from his wedding if he doesn't.

That's really toxic behaviour. You dont get to do that to your ex and kids just because youve been scorned. Whatever has made you think that would be appropriate?