Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Prime example 🤣🤣

As a woman you should always hold your head up high and wait for karma to get them. He can cheat and be forgiven, you don’t step out of line though.

New wife is going to be looking over her shoulder considering she knows he cheats.
It is hard for you because to a degree you are still mourning the life you should have had with him and your girls. No doubt there was much upheaval prior to the divorce and the general fall out. He doesn't sound like a role model for your ds though, if he's trying to get them to hold secrets though.
Tbh it sounds like you are well rid of him on so many levels.

There are some really unstable people here. Please OP, do not listen to this type of advice.

This would be total knob behaviour

Don't do anything to affect the wedding as suggested by a PP.
Write down your angry thoughts, make a voodoo doll, exercise it out, scream in the woods but do all you can not to show your girls your true feelings and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how you feel.

He is the kind of selfish arsehole who will no doubt get a kick out of knowing that his ex is upset by him marrying his new woman.
DON'T let him have this. Be blase about it with him from now on, make sure you do something good on the actual day to distract yourself - go out with friends, go away, whatever you can.

It hurts and lots of us here understand that but don't let HIM see any more of that, he doesn't deserve to know how you feel & he will hate to think you might not care.

And come and vent here all you like!

Please don't use 'bitter' - it smacks of an unreasonable anger and resentment. The op is entirely justified in feeling ongoing negativity toward the ex and ow, especially when this sort of thing comes up and he handles it as badly as he has. At least my ex had the decency to say 'I know this will be tough for you to hear...,' when he was marrying the ow. It sounds like the op has done a brilliant job of moving her life on but its perfectly normal for this to sting a bit...its the the lost family you miss, the one you thought you were creating and that absence is there every day you are doing things as a sp, not a joint parenting team. She doesn't need counselling for a perfectly normal reaction.

Yeah to be fair it wouldn’t be fair on your girls who are flower girls. I guess I’d have to even draw that line.

But as for the rest, nothing wrong with letting that anger out!

There really is no such thing as karma. If you hang your happiness on waiting for it, you're still centering them in your emotional life. The 'revenge' is living life well, forging ahead and most likely ending up with a much better relationship with your kids.

@Mensuckbigtime You are amazing. I would have told ex that I wish you both get what you deserve in the future...

Yes, we did. One of our group was best man. But he is just as much our friend as she is. And she was insistent that we should go, but now I think it was insensitive of us.

We were all at her wedding a few years later too (although that one was not the result of an affair).

I disagree.

He has moved on and no matter how hard it is for OP, he has every right to do so.

Doing something ‘crazy’ would just make it look like OP is sat at home pining for him to come back home.
That would just be embarrassing for her.

I would not be giving this man any more of my time, he doesn’t deserve it.

I would be faking it until I felt it.
Pretending I didn’t care and not allowing him to think that I still want him back.

I agree, I hate the use of the word "bitter" which is always leveled at women who have been treated incredibly badly by men.

It's a form of grief. And just as with the grief of losing someone, you can have moved on, be fully functioning happily in life but something will suddenly floor you and pull you back to it all as if it was yesterday.

We need to be more understanding of that & stop berating people who are still hurt by this situation x years on
We wouldn't do that if someone became upset about someone they had lost several years on because something had happened to remind them.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would particularly pull him up on the secrets thing. Never a good idea to tell kids to keep secrets - he needs to tell them he made a mistake and its important they tell parents what is going on in their lives.

BUT, I found comfort when I found out my long-term boyfriend had ended up marrying affair partner. It meant he was serious about her / they were better suited than we had been. That he had not put me through hell for no reason, he had found someone he felt was a better life partner for him.

Seriously, the time you are spending in your head thinking about him / their life together is time wasted. YOUR time wasted. Sweep this stuff out - you need to make space in your head to concentrate on what makes you happy. You deserve to have someone love and cherish you ... that's not going to happen when you are still hung up on your ex. See the wedding as drawing a line in the sand. A chance for a fresh approach to things. For your benefit and the benefit of the girls. I am sure its painful but we can never have enough people who love us in our lives and if your girls have a positive experience with this woman that's a good thing. Your girls know you are their mum - that won't ever change.

I don't think posters telling you you need to get over him are very helpful. Sadly I think most of this is just time. I got divorced many years ago and it took a long time to 'get over it'.. it was a very painful split and I mourned my ex husband for years. I don't know why a lot of people can't accept that and think you can easily move on. I had therapy and lived my life like you have. You're also grieving the life you should have had.

Book something fabulous on the day of the wedding, treat it as a special day for you or book a holiday and arrange a day trip somewhere, perhaps something different you haven't considered before on that day.

It's a form of grief and often more painful. Time is a healer. Carry on living your full life and you will feel brighter about the situation in time.

Op, I totally get it. My ex h had an affair and it’s a hurt that you never truly get over. He’s behaved despicably by telling the girls before you. My ex h is not with the OW but I imagine if he was I would feel exactly the same as you. You move on, you find joy but a betrayal rips you to your core.

All I can suggest is to allow yourself to ride the wave of emotions that the upcoming wedding will invariably bring. It will be hard to watch the girls excited and hard to put on a brave face for them. Are you still in contact with his family? Can they have the girls the night of the wedding? You just need to do whatever you need to do to get you through the day and if that’s just moping around feeling bad then allow yourself to do that. If it’s going out and having a fabulous day with friends then do that is fine too.

How old is she as they are likely to have kids but hopefully he will have the decency to tell you that before he tells the girls.

You know what they say, when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

In my separation I feel so upset when I see him but I’m not grieving the man, I am grieving the future that we planned together. It is hard to swallow that that future doesn’t exist anymore (or possibly never did). Random internet hugs OP it is tough.

Exactly this!!

The girls will be excited to be flower girls and so don’t dampen that for them.

But most importantly do not let this man, who has already treated you appallingly, have the satisfaction of thinking that you are desperate to have him back.

Any silly revenge just looks like a pathetic and desperate attempt to try and get him back, like you’ve just been sat at home for the past 4 years desperately hoping he’ll come back.

Any man that cheats and goes off with another woman, would love the idea of 2 women being obsessed with him and knowing he has the option of either of you.

Fuck that.
He needs to know that he lost something amazing and that you’d never take him back and you’re out there living your best life.
That means taking the high ground and not letting him see how upset you are.

I am sending so much love! My ex didn’t have any affair but announced 6 months after our divorce he was seeing someone new. It’s now been over a year but I still really struggle with it.
loads of therapy and trying to date but I’m still heartbroken and even my kids don’t mention her around me.

i thought it would/should be easier by now but we were married 28 years so it’s tough.

What does it achieve though making yourself look like a sad and pathetic twat?
I know it's tempting to disrupt but it only adds more pain to yourself when you make yourself look stupid. They are still together after the wedding and having a good laugh about it. You don't get long term satisfaction from spoiling someones day because a marriage is the important aspect not the wedding. Plus you would probably be in trouble with the law, just not worth it.
Always be the better person and present the steely 'I don't give a shit about you anymore' front. Even if it's hard at the time you get more respect for it and in time will know you don't give a shit for real.

The idea of ‘karma’ as some sort of cosmic justice system might make people feel better, but it doesn’t exist. And if karma is a type of punishment system, what did the cheated on do to deserve their karma? It makes zero sense.

Shitty things happen to good people. Bitterness didn’t help the healing process. What heals is moving on and rebuilding a happy life.

Oh I am sorry OP.

I have been in this same situation, and yes it is difficult.

I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did. My dc really didn't want to go (they don't like ow), but were so pressurised into it, which was just another factor too.

So, on the day of the wedding, my friends and family all bundled me up, took me out for the day and then we all went out that night. We went dancing and they fed me way too much alcohol in reality, but it was a very good distraction. The word spread at the place we went to, and so many people (women mostly) came up to me that night to just to offer some support.

Don't be too available to him for childcare/ dropping off/ picking up etc. If he cannot have his dc on their wedding night, then they need to arrange child care with family.

Go out that day. Do not stay at home alone.

It gets better with time. I did see a few of the photos afterwards and it cut a bit deep again. But I have got past it now, and you will too. It is just a difficult day but time will make it easier.

💐

Just to be petty, I'd take my kids on vacation on the week/day he's getting married.

You were together a long time, it’s going to hurt. It’s not “just” a remarriage, it’s him marrying the woman he cheated with and who contributed to blasting apart your family. People are far too causal about cheating and divorce and the consequences these days. My parents are divorced and have been for decades, my dad married OW. I’m nearly 50 and there are still problems. My mum is even dead. My dad is married to much younger OW.

I’ve cut my dad and OW off. I hate them. He was out cheating with her when I was a child at the weekend when he could have been spending time with his kids. He did it so much that we began not to even really know him. He missed things we did like sports. To be with OW, who is also manipulative and horrible.

This is very cringe and you shouldn't have done this. Why would he care about what you think ? He doesn't care about you. It makes you look desperate to be so bothered after 4 years.

The girls know that I’m upset because they’ve seen me cry. Pretending that I’m not upset when I am, would be invalidating their feelings.

i won’t disrupt the wedding and I won’t dampen the girls excitement, but I am a human being and I am sad and I won’t pretend that I’m not.
mothers are allowed to show emotions too, not in the sense that the girls have to help me through it, but that sadness is an ok feeling to have, that we have tools to get though it and that my sadness is not my children’s responsibility

Also, I don’t want my ExH back, but I’m also not going to pretend that it doesn’t affect me
i don’t want to pretend that I don’t give a shit because it does hurt and I have to function all the time, I’m not going to hide my feelings just to pretend like I’m strong and I don’t give a shit

I know that this too shall past, but right now, I’m hurting and I think that’s ok