AIBU Criminal Record

[LRHRN]

I’ve been with my DH for 10years (he’s 46) and knew he had a few really old arrests for fighting when he was younger so that has never really been an issue….until today!!

We’re just in the process of getting all of our information together to start looking at our options for moving to America.
DH told me that he needed to order his records from the police to go with our paperwork as his arrests are more than likely spent now but just needed confirmation.
i was on his iPad And the records have arrived today via email (his iCloud account) and he hasn’t told me….so I’ve looked 😭😭 big mistake!!
Numerous arrests and convictions for Assault, Battery, Theft & False Imprisonment. WTAF!!!
I don’t even recognise that person as he is the total opposite to this and has been nothing but loyal and committed to me and our 4 children and always been very family oriented and all of his successes were for us as a family.
I haven’t confronted him yet and really don’t know how to.
Do I just forget about it? do I hold his past against him?
I don’t know if I feel upset or angry. I don’t know if I feel hurt that he’s never told me. I’m now questioning everything and have a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach about moving abroad.
im not for a second condoning his past AT ALL!! but…should it stay in the past?

I don't think I could get passed that. He's kept a lot from you. You have 4 kids and he's kept this secret? How long have you known him

Well, I am not sure how you can forget about it, as that is well and truly going to scupper any chance of moving to the US.

I would give it a limited time window (to allow him to read the info) and then see what he does/says. My next move would be almost entirely dependant on this.

That aside, if he has been a good husband and father as you indicate, I would want to keep the relationship and would want to work out how to get past this as a couple.

How long ago? I think this is important

I wouldn’t think that the USA would allow him in even if such a serious criminal history is spent.

I don’t think you’ll get into the US with those even if older. Sorry it must be hard to read those reports and not recognize your husband.

People make mistakes, especially when young. People should be worth a 2nd chance if they have proved themselves which he seems to have done.

Ok, lets say you met x years ago, and on date 4 or 5 when it gets a bit more serious he tells you this. Most would run. I would keep that quiet in that situation so not to scare someone off. Would I tell them at a later date (say 5 years later, married, kids etc...) maybe?

I don’t know really. I mean he’s obviously ashamed, and presumably reformed.

I think it depends on whether you believe people can be rehabilitated and whether you believe they should be allowed to move on from incidents once they’ve served whatever punishment was given.

keeping it secret is a bigger problem, but I’m guessing he’s ashamed and embarrassed rather than being deceptive for the hell of it

It's highly unlikely that he'll be allowed anywhere near America with that record, spent or otherwise.

As for your relationship, can you really be with a violent liar?

I love your contributions, they are always so balanced and well considered.

Wow what a lovely man! I do know some men in my youth who were convicted of some criminal
activities but never false imprisonment. They’ve kept their noses clean since then but one man (brother of my ex best friend) is still a nasty piece of work and created merry hell, visiting her, when their mum died and left her will favourably to my ex best friend (who cared for her and the mum moved in with her daughter in later years).

This will scupper your chances of moving to America. He will never get in. I would also worry deep down what if some of his aggressive tendencies reappear?

He didn't tell you this?

You had better check with a lawyer specializing in immigration to the US because things are constantly changing, and not loosening up.

He'd also have a hard time getting a job here with numerous violent felonies on his record.

Gosh this is hard.

It's partly on you as you didn't ask for full details he initially told you about his arrests.

Did he downplay his criminal past?

I’m sorry he must have had some inkling of the extent of his past and the fact that he has a snowball’s chance of getting into the US, but he’s let you dream and spend time (and presumably money) making it happen.
That’s horrible future faking, I don’t think I could get past that, but with 4 kids, life would be very hard if this was relationship ending, so IDK what I’d do but I’d be really upset.

I can understand keeping this quiet while dating, but feel he should have told you before getting married. It actually is a big deal and, by avoiding disclosure, he's made it even bigger.

Assuming this reflects a phase when he was involved with a gang or addicted to crack or something, it's a story that can be told to someone you love. It would evoke empathy, trust, and even enhance their perception of who you are.

The fact that he's just left it lurking in the shadows is a worry. I agree with PPs suggesting you say nothing until you see how he handles the documents' arrival.

It's not a bad idea to make a Claire's Law application at this point. The police will tell you if they have reason to believe you're at risk from this person, and if they don't.

Sorry about your emigration plans.

These were all from before 2004. I’ve only known him since we met as we had both moved to a new town. I don’t see any of that behaviour in him now and never have. Maybe he is embarrassed and ashamed to tell me. I’m going to wait it out and see if he tells me in the next couple of days, if not a conversation needs to be had and if he’s dishonest and defensive I will seriously consider divorce and quickly as I can’t be will a liar as I’ll constantly question what else he’s lied about.

Unless you know these people well enough, and I’ve known a few. Yes, age does tend to dim their light a bit, they can’t physically do what they once did as younger men especially when old and ill. Some though like my uncle were so violent that when he divorced his 5th wife (my auntie) she was so scared police had her on some sort of alarm/warning system and she moved to Paris from England to escape him, in hiding. He’s dead now but whilst he was alive she was terrified of him. He’d done charming things like had model girlfriends’ faces cut after they’d “done him wrong”.

Some of them get in with the wrong crowd but I know 2 brothers convicted of murder and shoving the body in a 6ft grave. One was known as Crusher but he was anything but, his brother was always known as a nasty piece of work. You think they’d be ok if they were rehabilitated? Yes they’ve served their time, yes they’re out of prison now, their poor mum sold up and moved away due to the shame of the murder. And that wasn’t even personal, it was getting someone back who’d cheated on a friend of theirs with his wife.

Even if he's honest your entire plan to move to America is totally fucked - you do realise that, don't you?

You do know right, that if he’s done that sort of thing before that he’s capable of doing it again. It’s one thing thinking about doing some of those things but another thing actually carrying them out.

It’s not going to be something you can brush over and forget as, as others have said, it’s likely to be a barrier to moving. At the very least it’s going to be heavily interrogated at visa interviews. Whether potentially not being able to relocate is something that’s a dealbreaker for you, is for the two of you to talk about.

I wouldn’t see it as him having lied, though. He told you the basic details, you didn’t question any further. I know DH has a few assaults in his youth, albeit no criminal record; he grew up in an awful part of Detroit back when it was an awfuller city, and it was just what young men often had to do to avoid being the one having it done to them. I’ve never really asked about it, he’s never given any specifics. I judge him based on what I and all the people he’s known since he got away from that have seen in the decades since, and that’s enough for me.

Yes 😭😭 I think I need a few days to digest everything.
thanks everyone for your messages

I don’t really understand what these examples have to do with OP. It’s like saying to Op “well, I wouldn’t trust him because you know, Levi bellingfield” 😭

Are these in relation to fights with men or previous partners, both horrendous but previous partners indicates he could be a risk to you.

I would also wonder, the victims of his crime especially the false imprisonment, has he spoken to them since in some sort of mediation. The absolute terror this man has committed whether it’s with a gang or not, like I said I’ve known a few men like this and quite a few who’ve turned their back on this life and moved away because of the possibility of it happening. Or was your DH a lemming, because one jumped over a cliff he had to do it too?

Let’s have some perspective here - as over 20 years have now gone by without incident.

My whole point is… lots of people still have these violent tendencies inside them. It’s a bit like a Jack in the box, they hide them for years lying dormant, then one day they come out.

A few of this man’s crimes can be explained away but falsely imprisoning (and presumably threatening the person imprisoned) that shows more mind games at play. And that, to me, is more scary than pure violence.

You seem to me to be quite blasé about rehabilitating criminals whereas I in my youth worked with probation officers and community service officers and their staff and a lot of their clients they saw as lost causes. And scum of the earth.