AIBU Criminal Record

[LRHRN]

I’ve been with my DH for 10years (he’s 46) and knew he had a few really old arrests for fighting when he was younger so that has never really been an issue….until today!!

We’re just in the process of getting all of our information together to start looking at our options for moving to America.
DH told me that he needed to order his records from the police to go with our paperwork as his arrests are more than likely spent now but just needed confirmation.
i was on his iPad And the records have arrived today via email (his iCloud account) and he hasn’t told me….so I’ve looked 😭😭 big mistake!!
Numerous arrests and convictions for Assault, Battery, Theft & False Imprisonment. WTAF!!!
I don’t even recognise that person as he is the total opposite to this and has been nothing but loyal and committed to me and our 4 children and always been very family oriented and all of his successes were for us as a family.
I haven’t confronted him yet and really don’t know how to.
Do I just forget about it? do I hold his past against him?
I don’t know if I feel upset or angry. I don’t know if I feel hurt that he’s never told me. I’m now questioning everything and have a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach about moving abroad.
im not for a second condoning his past AT ALL!! but…should it stay in the past?

Not silly at all. This isn't someone who got into a one-off fight at 19 - he has multiple arrests for false imprisonment, assault and battery. Why would anyone have any trust in someone who was capable of those things? Especially when they'd not even been honest about them before getting married and having kids?

Christ. I doubt you’ll be allowed to move to the U.S. with those convictions…

I’d forgive him because clearly he’s changed but I’d be furious that he’d lead me down the garden about moving somewhere that possibly wouldn’t even let him visit as a tourist. The U.S. doesn’t subscribe to the Rehabillitation of Offenders Act and therefore crimes are never considered spent.

Even murderers?! Hmmm ok then. I do not believe a lot of people truly change deep down. Unless they have significant therapy and reprogramming.

Infinitely more likely for someone with a violent criminal history, though!

He's not US, they would already have his records.

He had to order his records from the police where they are up submit to the US.

Within reason yes. Obviously not a serial killer but I don't think murder is always black and white. If someone drank and drove 20 years ago and killed someone and never drank since or if a someone killed their abuser or daughters rapist or a one punch death then yes after 20 years of no incidents and 4 kids later I would be completely comfortable being in a relationship them

Sadly the USA, Australia, NZ or Canada would take you due to his past convictions.

It's sad that something you do when you're younger and stupid means you F up your future chances, but that's how it goes.

Maybe he thought they'd be spent, which they should be. The issue is nothing is really spent is it?!

We are going around in circles here. Yes, he should have told her. He didn't for whatever reason, and now she needs to make some tough decisions which should also factor in her own experiences.

This - you will never be allowed to live in the US now. Even if the convictions are spent, serious ones involving assault and theft will be viewed as ‘Crimes Involving Moral Terpitude’ and are permanently inadmissible. You’ll need a full immigration visa, rather than an ESTA and he’d need to be compellingly attractive on paper to offset his criminal record. Am guessing he’s not a multi-millionaire business owner?

My husband has loads of similar convictions pre 25. He's nearly 70 now and has lived an exemplary life since he pulled himself together in his late 20s. Tbf you'd be a fool to throw a punch at the man as he'd give Jack Reacher a run for his money but he's been the best father husband and grandfather I could ever have asked for. Just my story but I hope it gives you perspective

Edit You're not going to America though that's not happening my husband drip fed me his history but mines not shining and I probably did the same. Shame and embarrassment and perhaps not ever finding the right moment have held him back.

Really? Even though they'd lied to you and essentially married you under false pretences?

Was your husband honest with you about his past before marrying you and having four kids with you, though? Or did he lie and pretend like he could move to America despite his past?

We have a process called expungement but it's not for all crimes and his probably wouldn't qualify. Again, specialist lawyer.

We don't have any context here, so this is totally unhelpful.

I doubt his victims would agree that his crimes should be "spent".

The lying would be a bigger issue to me then his killing someone 20 plus years ago but I would of found out every detail of the crime before starting the relationship to avoid this

What more context do you need? He was arrested, convicted and jailed. I think that says it all

Think there are two issues here - her marriage and whether she can forgive the lies. Her call based on her experience as you say. And secondly their plans to emigrate, which are scuppered.

She will probably have to accept the latter won’t happen, but she can chose whether to stay with him in the UK if she feels she can get over the lying.

Fair enough.

Then you are actually contradicting your own point!

Do you not believe in redemption? Or that prisoners can reform? Should we lock every criminal up for life or reintroduce death row?

No mistaken identity? Definitely him?

How come you’re thinking of moving to the US as I presume he’s not been there even for a holiday?

But seemingly not in this case.

People do change. Some people have very difficult childhoods and get mixed up with a bad crowd, but become amazing people as they get older. From a legal perspective regarding the US, seek legal advice, but doing awful things when young doesn't necessarily mean someone can't be a good husband.

I absolutely don't agree with the death penalty but I also don't believe that people who have committed violent crimes should be entirely forgiven either. Someone who has done what this man has done should be penalised for it forever (in terms of work, where he can live and where he can travel).