AIBU Criminal Record

[LRHRN]

I’ve been with my DH for 10years (he’s 46) and knew he had a few really old arrests for fighting when he was younger so that has never really been an issue….until today!!

We’re just in the process of getting all of our information together to start looking at our options for moving to America.
DH told me that he needed to order his records from the police to go with our paperwork as his arrests are more than likely spent now but just needed confirmation.
i was on his iPad And the records have arrived today via email (his iCloud account) and he hasn’t told me….so I’ve looked 😭😭 big mistake!!
Numerous arrests and convictions for Assault, Battery, Theft & False Imprisonment. WTAF!!!
I don’t even recognise that person as he is the total opposite to this and has been nothing but loyal and committed to me and our 4 children and always been very family oriented and all of his successes were for us as a family.
I haven’t confronted him yet and really don’t know how to.
Do I just forget about it? do I hold his past against him?
I don’t know if I feel upset or angry. I don’t know if I feel hurt that he’s never told me. I’m now questioning everything and have a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach about moving abroad.
im not for a second condoning his past AT ALL!! but…should it stay in the past?

Dump him

If he's 46 and the entries were pre 2004, I don't think i'd be holding it against him. I'd be annoyed that the plans to move to America have been ruined (and im sure he will feel terrible about being the cause of that)

I'd lay a bet that they were alcohol and hormone fuelled events by a young lad with zero maturity or impulse control.

I know many people that aren't the same person they were 25 years ago.

I’m more leaning towards let the past stay in the past, given that it was 25 years ago, and you have been with him for ten years without incident. There are a couple of things that make me say “it depends”.

One being, has he actually lied to you about his past, or has he just not told you things/omitted some detail? In my mind, blatant lying is worse than omitting details.

The other thing being, how far down the track are you with moving to America? If you’re very far down the track, he should have known that this would impact your application so should have been a lot more upfront about it. But also, is moving to America a realistic option anyway? It isn’t actually that easy to emigrate there for British nationals and he might have been thinking that you don’t have a hope in hell anyway even without his criminal record, so probably didn’t place much weight on it.

OP, it's worth taking a deep breath and looking up the legal definition of what these offences mean, because it's a bit different to what most of us think when we hear assault or battery.

There are a range of assault offences, going from common assault, right up to causing GBH with intent. The differences between them are the seriousness of the injury caused, and the seriousness of the injury intended. At the lowest, common assault is committed if you make someone afraid you will be violent - you don't even need to touch them to have committed an offence. Yelling at someone in a pub could be enough, if you made them think a punch might follow. Battery is committed when you touch someone, almost no matter how little force you use. So going from shouting at them to pushing them, for example. If he'd caused a meaningful injury then he wouldn't have been charged with battery, because a more serious offence would apply. Both of these are 100% consistent with what he's told you - that he has a history of fighting, and brushes with the law in consequence.

Theft is similar. It could be everything from impulse shoplifting to a major bank heist.

False imprisonment is more serious, and I entirely agree you need a full explanation from him around that, particularly if he was actually convicted.

Do you have information on the sentences he received? If so, these will give you a really good idea of how serious the courts considered these offences. If it's a string of conditional discharges or small fines then the story is consistent with what he told you. He was a wrong'un in his early 20s, and then grew up. If there are multiple prison sentences/suspended sentences then it was clearly more serious. The sentencing council publishes guidance on the seriousness of offences and what sentences should follow and, if you look at that guidance, you will be able to sense check how serious they actually were. Google will find it.

I guess all I'm saying is that, whilst I appreciate what a shock this is, it may not be as out of line with what he told you as it came across when you first read the information.

She is highly unlikely to be able to access any of this.

Don't worry you won't be going abroad when that rap sheet is on his police check!!

Loads of outrage on here; estimates are that of UK men 33% have criminal convictions by middle age.

Having said that I’m amazed anyone would consider moving to the US in current times.

Who did he assault and false imprison etc? A partner?!

Can you do a Claire’s law to get more detail and advice from the police?

I would be cautious how you handle this OP. Don’t show him how you’re feeling too soon.

The man he is now is who you know. People can do all sorts of things and that doesn't have to define them - if it did we would all just be the sum of our mistakes and I know I'm better than that, so why would I not extend the same grace to others unless shown otherwise?

I wouldn't sit and wait for him to 'come clean' - just ask him. The best way forward with your eyes open. Ask him, judge his reaction and see what kind of man he is now.

And get legal advice every re moving to the US. This may not be the total block you think. And if it is then at least you'll know - but trying to guess will drive you crazy.

Sweet baby Jesus, you picked a wrong 'un here
I honestly don't know what I'd do in your shoes other than wish to God I could turn back time

I’m sure Trump announced recently that anyone who isn’t an American citizen but has a green card if they leave the USA their criminal record will be checked on returning and if it’s not clean they won’t let them in
or if they are getting welfare payments

so it’s unlikely that your DH will get in

Well, a lot of men get in trouble with the law when they are very young. And some do grow out of that behaviour, as their brains mature and they become less impulsive, though of course some don't.

One issue is the extent of the past behaviour, another is the lack of disclosure to you.

If you are able to get more information about what exactly happened in the past, in a confidential way, Claire's Law etc as previously mentioned, that sounds good.

Do you think he would be able to discuss this with you without getting upset or confrontational? Would you feel safe doing that?

Do you think he would consider couple therapy, if you want at least to see whether you can move forward together?

Wishing you all the best, it must be really difficult for you.

I do think you need to ask your husband about this. My son was almost given a record for battery and he punched a football out a security guards hands. (I have seen the cctv footage and so know what happened).

And so…there really is a difference between what we hear when we hear these terms and what they could mean.

Christ alive, I've just googled and it's true that a third of men have a criminal record by middle age.

Holy hell.

Sorry for your situation OP.

Thanks for that insightful contribution

If you have been with him for 10 years and had no concerns, I think that’s ok.
Over 10 years, he has shown you who he is. If you have had doubts though, this should make you listen to them.

People do change.

How old was he when he had the convictions? Were they perhaps related to a drug or alcohol habit?

You’ll need to talk about it as this is a massive thing to discover but it would be completely different if you had only known him for 2-3 years xx

You were planning to move to the US together? Has he just been stringing you along? Surely he knew this criminal background would prevent him from moving there?

There goes America plans. Seriously they were a long time ago and I SOMETIMES believe in rehabilitation. But I think at best we would need counselling to save our marriage and talk about honesty and standards we expect for our kids especially - I would split in a heartbeat if I thought my kids were going to be taught violence is ok. False imprisonment 🤢

Absolutely this. I know someone who got an arson conviction because he'd taken his file from a social workers desk and set it on fire in the car park away from anyone.

The terminology itself can sound much more drastic than the actual event. Or it could be exactly as bad as you fear - you won't know until you ask him.

What I'd be curious about as well would be history of substance misuse and domestic abuse. A claires law request would do no harm anyway op.

False imprisonment could literally be telling someone you're going to hurt them if they move. All the way to locking someone in a room. There's no point speculating over the legal terminology.

Unless your name is Prince Harry, he has a conviction and was let in

I dont think this would be marriage ending for me, if youve never seen any red flags during your time together, but I would also have probed for transparency about his criminal record when things got serious.

But you do need an honest discussion about it now.

A conviction for what?

I don’t think this is quite correct.

I don't recall a conviction. Though I think he did admit to drug use which would have made many potential immigrants unwelcome.

There are a few avenues to obtain info, actually.