AIBU Criminal Record

[LRHRN]

I’ve been with my DH for 10years (he’s 46) and knew he had a few really old arrests for fighting when he was younger so that has never really been an issue….until today!!

We’re just in the process of getting all of our information together to start looking at our options for moving to America.
DH told me that he needed to order his records from the police to go with our paperwork as his arrests are more than likely spent now but just needed confirmation.
i was on his iPad And the records have arrived today via email (his iCloud account) and he hasn’t told me….so I’ve looked 😭😭 big mistake!!
Numerous arrests and convictions for Assault, Battery, Theft & False Imprisonment. WTAF!!!
I don’t even recognise that person as he is the total opposite to this and has been nothing but loyal and committed to me and our 4 children and always been very family oriented and all of his successes were for us as a family.
I haven’t confronted him yet and really don’t know how to.
Do I just forget about it? do I hold his past against him?
I don’t know if I feel upset or angry. I don’t know if I feel hurt that he’s never told me. I’m now questioning everything and have a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach about moving abroad.
im not for a second condoning his past AT ALL!! but…should it stay in the past?

And I'll bet the false imprisonment was tied in with the burglary - locking someone in a room or some such.

We're all just baselessly speculating.

A friend of mine has a criminal record for theft and served a short prison sentence. It was many years ago back in the 1980s. She was prosecuted under the wrong spelling of her name and the wrong birth date. The police misheard her and she never corrected them. For example the police charged her as Joan Smith and her name is Smythe. On release she changed her name completely and got a passport in the new name. This was easy to do all those years ago. You just got a statutory declaration form from a law stationers, made a declaration and got someone like your doctor to witness it. She travelled to the USA multiple times in the 1990s-2010s even spent a year working there. Her conviction was never flagged up. I dont think it ever occurred to her to declare the conviction because it was spent under UK law. Of course they didnt have biometric passports back then.

It may well be very different for multiple violent offences. But it just goes to show that their records are not perfect.

Has be been inside for some of this, and did you know he had?

A prison record is a big thing not to reveal to a spouse.

Had he actually told you it was just a couple of arrests and only for fighting, or did he just sort of gloss over the whole thing and you decided not to ask?

People can change. My dad had done time before he met my mom, but he was a reformed character in his marriage and a truly wonderful father. But to be fair his crimes were not anything like false imprisonment (as far as I am aware).

Nobody would blame you if you stayed, nobody would blame you if you walked away. Give yourself time, and listen to give heart. Only you know whether you can move on from this or not.

True. It’s the kind of thing I’d want a long hard conversation about and complete transparency.

Like I said I knew a few wrong uns when I was younger, one of them went onto work in a barristers chambers as a clerk, one married and divorced a police woman, 1 at least is dead.

he can prove he has been fully rehabilitated, he could still be in with a chance of emigrating to America.

We don't have your policy of rehabilitation, like the spent thing. A conviction stays on record, unless pardoned or expunged. Expungement varies by state and only for certain crimes and I don't know that it's available to someone like OP's husband being he's from a different country and it's multiple serious felonies.

He's put @LRHRN in a poor position in multiple ways. He downplayed his criminal record and now they're married with kids. It definitely affects things like their plan to move to the US and even if he was allowed in, his risk of deportation after and what kind of jobs he could get. He's let her proceed without full information and get invested in a plan for their future that's unlikely to pan out.

I do believe many people who have committed crimes can be rehabilitated. But that is especially hard here in the US given the roadblocks that are intrinsic in the system for ex felons. And incarceration here is an industry but that's a whole other point.

Not just a man, could be a woman too with a past.

If I was sure in myself what I did was in the past and not to be repeated then of course you have to move on. Of course it matters with regards to time. If all this happened last year then yes, should tell as thats relevant. But 10 years ago...

So by that logic everyone you date, your dad, your brother, your husband, your son could have committed the worst acts, but just not been caught yet!! Do you treat them with suspicion?

How are you today @LRHRN ?

Did you speak with him?

If a person withholds information from their partner because they think it would cause their partner to potentially leave them, no matter how long ago it happened, then they're being deliberately deceitful, and purposefully denying their partner the ability to give informed consent.

It's an unacceptable thing to do.

That's not a like for like comparison since those men don't have serious criminal records, I expect.

You do NOT have the right to make the decision for another person what is acceptable or not.

Not telling a future partner something about yourself that you suspect would stop you getting what you want from them is deliberate deception.

Because OP's H didn't tell her the full scale of his crimes, she now can't move to the US. His deception has cost her opportunities.

You think it is acceptable to deceive a woman so that you can get your feet under her table.

That's the thinking of conmen.

So it was over 24 years ago and he hasn't been in trouble since.
He is a reformed character.
I'd let it go.
He didn't tell you because you would clearly not pursued a relationship with him.
You have 4 children together and he has shown himself to be a good husband and father.
Concentrate on that.
Please don't let this ruin your content marriage and family life.

But if he didn't tell her because he knew she would not have a relationship with her if she did, doesn't that invalidate her consent to the entire relationship? Leaves a very nasty taste.

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.

It's just amazing that we have to explain this stuff to men.

Like, guys, treat us like we're humans. Stop fucking trying to manipulate us, and stop lying to us and yourselves.

But our words will be to no avail, I am sure. This bloke will continue with the but-but-but whataboutery crap, because he's very happy deceiving women to get what he wants from them - and even says so!! - and all the while he thinks that he's a Nice Guy.

Scary and creepy.

Wow.

So you think it's fine to deliberately lie to someone to get them to marry you, because you know they'd refuse if they knew?? That's so fucked up. I bet you wouldn't be so happy if it happened to you.

If this ruins their marriage, it will be his fault. Not hers.

A decent man would tell his wife about this before they got married.

A murderer (not killing someone by accident) like I said I knew 2 men who’d done this, damned right I’d want to know. I can’t recall exactly how old they were but at least mid 20s. More juvenile crimes like stealing is still not great (especially breaking into someone’s house) but can be youthful crimes.