AIBU Criminal Record

[LRHRN]

I’ve been with my DH for 10years (he’s 46) and knew he had a few really old arrests for fighting when he was younger so that has never really been an issue….until today!!

We’re just in the process of getting all of our information together to start looking at our options for moving to America.
DH told me that he needed to order his records from the police to go with our paperwork as his arrests are more than likely spent now but just needed confirmation.
i was on his iPad And the records have arrived today via email (his iCloud account) and he hasn’t told me….so I’ve looked 😭😭 big mistake!!
Numerous arrests and convictions for Assault, Battery, Theft & False Imprisonment. WTAF!!!
I don’t even recognise that person as he is the total opposite to this and has been nothing but loyal and committed to me and our 4 children and always been very family oriented and all of his successes were for us as a family.
I haven’t confronted him yet and really don’t know how to.
Do I just forget about it? do I hold his past against him?
I don’t know if I feel upset or angry. I don’t know if I feel hurt that he’s never told me. I’m now questioning everything and have a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach about moving abroad.
im not for a second condoning his past AT ALL!! but…should it stay in the past?

On the one hand they’re all 22 years or more old and he will have been 24 maximum and is now 46 but 24 is still an adult. I think if it was fighting, although bad I might be able to think youthful stupidity but ABH is a serious charge and as for a false imprisonment ! He’s had a very long time to come clean and hasn’t. It’s not even a lie by a omission.
He must know that he won’t be able to move to America because of these and I wonder if he would have then come clean or carried on lying .
I am fairly sure {but not certain} that even if his convictions are spent that they would still need to be declared for things like migration purposes and they will then have negative implications for his application. .
For me I feel even if I did try and get past it my perception of him and what he is capable of will have changed forever. Do you think you’d be able to get past to previous violence and the lies? I can only imagine how shocking it is for you to build a life with someone and have children And then find this whole other side.

How on earth did he think he could move to the US with that rap sheet?

The sentences for each of his convictions will give you an idea of how serious each are - a far better idea than the wording of the conviction. If he’s had a prison or a substantial community sentence I’d be annoyed that he’d never talked about quite important experiences. If they were fines and minor disposals I can see he might have just pushed it from his mind.

I’m surprised that he wasn’t aware of the impact this will have on moving to the US (ie almost certainly will prevent it). I’d say that’s the big I’d be most annoyed abou. Sure, leave the past in the past but in these circumstances it’s just not possible to do that.

"I would keep that quiet in that situation so not to scare someone off. Would I tell them at a later date (say 5 years later, married, kids etc...) maybe?"

This is outright deliberate deception, manipulation, and trickery. Any man who makes and acts on this calculation lacks integrity, decency, and respect for the right of women to informed consent.

What a low person.

I work adjacent to the criminal justice system. I see really prolific offenders change their ways quite often. They know exactly what they have to lose once they’re turned their lives around so, given this is 20 years in, I wouldn’t be concerned that your partner is going to revert.

Was he involved with drugs? That can often lead to multiple convictions because of the nasty people you’re hanging around with. False imprisonment can just mean that you won’t let someone leave a house until they pay a debt, for example. Yes it’s an unattractive crime but it doesn’t mean he’s kidnapped someone or anything like that.

If the crimes were against women I’d be more concerned tbh. What a shock for you though. I’m unsure what I’d do in your shoes. I don’t think there’s a right answer for you tbh.

I'm sad for you OP. I find it bizarre that he would actively be engaging in the 'moving to America ' process. One would've imagined that he would've seen an immigration lawyer prior to any plans being put into place.

People really do change.

Marky Mark.

There is no chance of emigrating.

Well done to him for turning his life around though.

If the crimes were committed more than 15 years ago and he can prove he has been fully rehabilitated, he could still be in with a chance of emigrating to America.
People can change and people do change. He is a different person now to who he was over 20 years ago. Don’t let something like this ruin a happy marriage. Yes, he has lied by omission But that’s understandable, if he thought he might lose you.

If OP has seen nothing of that kind in him through a decade together and the stresses of having four kids, I do wonder if he was on drugs back then. Not saying it excuses the offences, but it might indicate that the violence isn't an innate part of his character.

He's got some explaining to do.

OP, I wouldn't worry about America. It's next to impossible to move there anyway, unless you marry an American.

P.S. I think you'll have to do a Clare's Law request, as it's the only way you'll be sure you have the full picture. I wouldn't say anything to him, because it will be interesting to see if he confesses - and if he does so, whether what he says matches up with the Clare's Law info.

Trump is hell-bent on flinging out hardworking people who have been contributing to society and stayed out of trouble for forty years. So I really can't see the current administration accepting someone with those things on their record. I'm not sure what a spent conviction means, but just because Britain considers it no longer relevant, doesn't mean another country will. I think most countries don't want people with criminal records.

He's not the person he was back then. Leave the past in the past. The only issue now is whether it is long enough in the past for him to get his visa.

People can change. I can understand the motivation to not share his history, especially if he felt he was a different person. He should have been honest with you, though.

To me things would now come down to how honest he is with you going forward. He needs to come completely clean.

He knows surely he is already banned from the USA.

There seem to be two main issues here. What he's actually done in the past, and the fact that he minimised the issue for years (lying by omission) and let you think you could emigrate.

It sounds like he minimised and downplayed what he did, and you trusted that – when really his laundry list of charges could represent him inflicting pain and terror on innocent people.
For me, a lot would hang on whether his behaviour was towards other, equally violent young men, random victims, or women. Given he's been a good man since (you say) I think it would be safe to leave it in the past if it was other violent young men he attacked...but if he had been assaulting and imprisoning random victims, or women in particular – that would be a red line.

You really need to find out the full details of what he did before you can decide anything, I think.

The other issue is him minimising/lying for years, and letting you think you could move when he surely knew you can't... I could understand him not telling you immediately out of embarrassment and fear (even though he should have), but to not come clean before marriage? Before kids? It's not great. What else is he hiding, or lying about? How can you trust him? (Or, is it that he mentioned it, and you brushed it off as not needing to be talked about?)

I think he needs to be completely open and honest with you, to have a chance at rebuilding the trust. But if he's behaving like a good man now, cooperates/understands he never should've downplayed it, and shares the full details, I'd want to at least try to move forward together and leave it in the past.

Talk to him, OP. That's the only place to start with something like this.
I can imagine it's a huge shock to you.

I'm not sure he'd be able to visit the US, let alone move there though.

Sorry, I know this is beside the point but it was either ‘battery without assault’ or ‘assault without battery’. I can’t remember which way around. The point was it sounded horrific for what the had actually done. And he could have had that on his record for the rest of his life from age 15. …slinks off because this is not about my son but wanted to correct myself.

Can you see what sentences he got? That would give you a bit more insight into the nature of his crimes. If he went to prison, I would be very worried as they try to keep people out of prison if they possibly can.

Investigation notes, trial transcripts and sentencing decisions?

I’m an avid reader of published sentencing decisions so aware of the sort of information you’re referring to too. Investigation notes is highly unlikely.

if there was a trial you could potentially request the transcript but for a start would need more info than OP has

My Dad died nearly 10 years ago at 92. He was the nicest, kindest, quiet and loving Dad and husband. After he died my mum told me that his Mum had died young and he was brought up by his Dad and had “got in with a bad crowd” Had lots of fights, theft, been arrested quite a few times and didn’t sound a nice person at all. He met my mum when he was 21 and totally changed. She never saw that side of him.

Yes both my dad and FIL had criminal records (long since spent)

it happens more than people imagine

It is a really tricky one but this was over 20 years ago and people can definitely turn their life around.

Your partner it seems has had no issues with the law since and is a good parent so I would tell him that you have seen his record and want to have a serious conversation about it and take it from there.

You need to hear about why he got into crime. For many people it can be things like coming from a difficult home life, falling into addiction or getting sucked into a gang and with support they can live that life behind.

Not everyone who has criminal conviction in their youth is a violent, psychopathic criminal with no hope of reforming.

Having a criminal record is one thing - having a serious criminal record and lying to your partner about it (and having children with her while she doesn’t know the truth) is quite another.

He’s never been convicted of a crime…

Yep - I was replying to the poster who claimed he had a conviction.

Well if that’s what you chose to pick on in that portion of the conversation so be it.

What I will say is whilst my dad was relatively open my FIl didn’t tell anyone until my DH was about 35.