AIBU Criminal Record

[LRHRN]

I’ve been with my DH for 10years (he’s 46) and knew he had a few really old arrests for fighting when he was younger so that has never really been an issue….until today!!

We’re just in the process of getting all of our information together to start looking at our options for moving to America.
DH told me that he needed to order his records from the police to go with our paperwork as his arrests are more than likely spent now but just needed confirmation.
i was on his iPad And the records have arrived today via email (his iCloud account) and he hasn’t told me….so I’ve looked 😭😭 big mistake!!
Numerous arrests and convictions for Assault, Battery, Theft & False Imprisonment. WTAF!!!
I don’t even recognise that person as he is the total opposite to this and has been nothing but loyal and committed to me and our 4 children and always been very family oriented and all of his successes were for us as a family.
I haven’t confronted him yet and really don’t know how to.
Do I just forget about it? do I hold his past against him?
I don’t know if I feel upset or angry. I don’t know if I feel hurt that he’s never told me. I’m now questioning everything and have a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach about moving abroad.
im not for a second condoning his past AT ALL!! but…should it stay in the past?

Crimes can be spent for most domestic purposes but not all. Other jurisdictions have different rules and want to know it all.

Again, that we know of. I certainly wouldn't trust a man with a such a violent past who had lied to me for years and married me under false pretences. You do you, though!

It really doesn't, but lets not argue the toss on this any further.

Of course it does. People aren't convicted for multiple severely violent crimes without good reason. This isn't a one-off fight when he was 19 and stupid.

I'm rather confused how your husband thought you'd all be able to move to the US? Your husband knows very well what his convictions were for, so surely he can't be that naive to think he'd be given a visa?! Assault, battery, false imprisonment, theft etc are all serious enough crimes for a visa not to be granted.

I think you need to wait and see if your husband says anything to you. He can't keep this information from you forever, because you're going to ask if he's heard back from the police. Either he's going to play down the convictions, be completely honest or lie. Personally, I don't see the point of playing down the convictions or lying, as you'll find out the truth eventually.

Depending on what your husband tells you, is going to depend on how you handle this going forward. Yes, he could very well be ashamed and embarrassed about his record. He told you he'd got into trouble for fighting, but that's not really the whole truth, is it? He's omitted how serious the incidents were.

People make mistakes and deserve second chances. He is obviously a changed man so I wouldn’t hold them against him. I do however not believe that he will be allowed into USA with his records!

Oh - and where did OP say he went to prison? I don't recall reading that.

He surely must have gone to prison or got a suspended prison sentence for those types of crime.

I'll bet the false imprisonment was for a girlfriend he had.

Be very careful when breaking up with him OP.

I assumed that someone with that kind of history would have served a jail sentence, but even if not, it makes no difference. He was still convicted for multiple violent crimes and then went on to lie about it, marry and have children under false pretences.

But say he moved here 30 years ago? He obviously committed his crimes here, so why would the US already have them even if he is American?

I think you could maybe reframe this experience. How fantastic that he has been able to turn his life around. It can be very hard to leave this type of life, Be proud of who has become.

You can submit your paperwork but don't be surprised if he's refused entry. It would be worse if he got in and then was deported.

You have to think about how would you support your family if he can't find work or low paying or dangerous work. Those kind of jobs usually don't have health insurance, he'd have to buy some, expensive, and care here is bankrupting without insurance. In fact, you'll have to buy insurance for your whole family. Have you looked into those costs?

There's quite a few work sectors here like health care and education that require background checks and he wouldn't pass those.

I think, given his record, this plan to move to the US is not feasible.

He didn’t kidnap anyone, if he did he would’ve been convicted of kidnap not false imprisonment.

language matters and your insistence of dramatising something already very serious looks immature.

If he was American, he could just go back. No submitting paperwork and records.

I wonder if he was in denial. I wonder how he’ll deal with it now the records are back

Yes good point

That's quite a range of criminal behaviours - the context would be important for me and absolute honesty from him about everything would be the starting point to even consider forgiveness. Can you see the court records to find out more?

And whatever reasons he had for lying to you in the first place, his continuing lies by omission have allowed you to imagine and plan for an entire future which he must have known would not be possible. So he is still happy to keep important, potentially life-changing information from you and allow you to plan a life based on his deception.

It is called gaslighting. The term evolved after the 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman. His 'few arrests' were assault, beating and false imprisonment.

Gaslightling has always been a thing. You could even be gaslit by people on your thread. In fact it is a certainty.

How much time did he serve

God, what an awful thing to find out OP. you have my sympathies.

No-one has mentioned your 4 kids. It must be a terrible blow for them to find that out about their dad.

Yes, it should stay in the past

"I don’t even recognise that person as he is the total opposite to this and has been nothing but loyal and committed to me and our 4 children and always been very family oriented and all of his successes were for us as a family".

That's who he has been for the 10 years you have been together. That's what matters.

They will not let you move to America. They probably won't even let you visit.

Separately why the fuck do you want to move to America

Have you seriously got this far considering emigrating without actually visiting the US (assuming he is not actually already USian)? Or has he been able to get a visa to visit? I wouldn't consider your prospects there very stable, even if you do make it, depending which way the political situation goes. But as others have said, this is all academic. He won't get in. And make a Clare's Law request - you may not have the full picture.