How long is too long to wait for a proposal?

Desg · 2026-07-13T16:59:03+00:00

Be honest - how long did/will you wait in a relationship for a marriage proposal? for context I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We had a baby (unplanned) last year and we’re just going through the process of buying our first home together. His sister got engaged yesterday and when I made a jokey comment about us still not being engaged he practically ignored me. This has been an ongoing thing throughout our relationship and if I was to get upset about it he’d just say some sort of excuse as to why we’re not in a position to at the moment (likely excuse being moving house). I don’t think that it’s that he doesn’t want to be with me, I am just unsure that he wants to ever get married. I also don’t think he’d ever admit to not wanting to get married. It’s important to me but I’m unsure if it’s worth throwing a 7 year relationship away, especially as we now have a child.

onmylastnerveseriously · 13/07/2026 18:01

I’ll go first.

ASK HIM YOURSELF.

Why on earth are you leaving it to him?

Stillso · 13/07/2026 18:02

Where to start.

All quite depressing that if this was so important to you… why didn’t you pursue before you had a child with him

VickyEadie · 13/07/2026 18:02

It sounds like you haven't even talked to him about it - why ever not?

You say "Here Steve, I want to get married - can we set a date? I don't mind if we just go down the registry office with 2 mates if you like."

ChickenBananaBanana · 13/07/2026 18:02

If it's so important to you why have you waited so long?

onmylastnerveseriously · 13/07/2026 18:03

Also usual advice, do not become financially dependent on him or reduce you’re working hours etc, ensure he is a 50/50 parent.

also don’t marry him if he’s not a 50/50 parent, no point being tied to a bad dad

WhatNoRaisins · 13/07/2026 18:05

I don't know about too long, me and DH were together at university so I think we took longer than we would have done if we'd met in our late twenties or early thirties.

That said I think it's better to get married before having kids. I'm not saying it's something that you need to break up over but you might have to accept that he doesn't want to get married.

Arlanymor · 13/07/2026 18:06

I'm sorry but you'll have to explain to us why, if it's a really massive thing for you, you've not sat down with him in seven years to talk about it. Don't buy a house with someone who doesn't want the same thing from the future as you do. Ideally you also wouldn't have a child without having that commitment either, but that horse has bolted. Why not propose to him? If he says no then you have your answer don't you?

Wherethedogsits · 13/07/2026 18:07

Why aren’t you asking him?

dadtoateen · 13/07/2026 18:08

So ask him then!!

ExOptimist · 13/07/2026 18:08

If marriage is so important to you why on earth have a baby with him first?

I doubt you're now going to get a proposal and marriage. Why should he bother? You gave him a baby already. Men don't need to make any effort to become a father, they have sex and it happens.

But to marry someone they actively have to want to make the effort to ask, plan a wedding, say vows in front of witnesses, it involves desire and effort. If a man wants that he'll do it, he'll be really keen to do it, if he doesn't then no amount of hinting is going to change his mind.

Original poster

Desg · 13/07/2026 18:09

Arlanymor · 13/07/2026 18:06

I'm sorry but you'll have to explain to us why, if it's a really massive thing for you, you've not sat down with him in seven years to talk about it. Don't buy a house with someone who doesn't want the same thing from the future as you do. Ideally you also wouldn't have a child without having that commitment either, but that horse has bolted. Why not propose to him? If he says no then you have your answer don't you?

So I’ve tried to have conversations in the past and it’s always been ‘I never said I didn’t, but we aren’t in a position to because of x y and z’ and I guess I’ve always naively thought okay fair enough, but there always seems to be some sort of obstacle so not sure it’s an excuse. It was the same with children, but fate took that decision out of our hands lol.

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

OP posts:

ChickenBananaBanana · 13/07/2026 18:11

Desg · 13/07/2026 18:09

So I’ve tried to have conversations in the past and it’s always been ‘I never said I didn’t, but we aren’t in a position to because of x y and z’ and I guess I’ve always naively thought okay fair enough, but there always seems to be some sort of obstacle so not sure it’s an excuse. It was the same with children, but fate took that decision out of our hands lol.

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

Show quote history

Doesn't look like you're getting married then op

Mumdiva99 · 13/07/2026 18:11

Ha ha, I had 3 babies with mine before we tied the knot....it was important to me but he had reasons to not want to.
At least when we married I didn't feel he was pressured i to it!!
I left work, was financially dependent on him and lost my earning capability....all the MN don't. But you know what.....lofe doesn't always happen in the ideal order.
Don't throw away a good man and a good dad on a dream.

Arlanymor · 13/07/2026 18:13

Desg · 13/07/2026 18:09

So I’ve tried to have conversations in the past and it’s always been ‘I never said I didn’t, but we aren’t in a position to because of x y and z’ and I guess I’ve always naively thought okay fair enough, but there always seems to be some sort of obstacle so not sure it’s an excuse. It was the same with children, but fate took that decision out of our hands lol.

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

Show quote history

Well if you won't act proactively for your own benefit then I don't know what to advise you really.

7238SM · 13/07/2026 18:14

To put it bluntly, why would be buy the cow when the milk is free?

We were together 8yrs before being engaged and that was after a serious conversation with him about where we were headed. I'd specifically not TTC before marriage because I didn't want a child out of wedlock. Not religious at all. We've been together 25yrs now, but did wish I'd had the conversation much sooner that I did.

Stillso · 13/07/2026 18:16

7238SM · 13/07/2026 18:14

To put it bluntly, why would be buy the cow when the milk is free?

We were together 8yrs before being engaged and that was after a serious conversation with him about where we were headed. I'd specifically not TTC before marriage because I didn't want a child out of wedlock. Not religious at all. We've been together 25yrs now, but did wish I'd had the conversation much sooner that I did.

What was the conversation? You asking him when he’s going to ask you to marry him?

Stillso · 13/07/2026 18:17

Desg · 13/07/2026 18:09

So I’ve tried to have conversations in the past and it’s always been ‘I never said I didn’t, but we aren’t in a position to because of x y and z’ and I guess I’ve always naively thought okay fair enough, but there always seems to be some sort of obstacle so not sure it’s an excuse. It was the same with children, but fate took that decision out of our hands lol.

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

Show quote history

And so you’re thinking of ending the entire thing over it?

StrangerOnline · 13/07/2026 18:17

And is it a marriage you want? Or a wedding? Weddings can cost a huge amount and I’m guessing you would want a ‘nice’ one? That gives him a really good reason to delay as a new house will always want money spending on it. And would you be expecting a diamond engagement ring etc?

Suggest you think carefully about what you want here. As he is clearly not the romantic-at-heart you would like him to be, and it may be all the associated fuss and expense of a big day is putting him off.

If you just want to be married, then as pp said - offer him a very small, intimate ceremony - job done.

edit to add: a child and a mortgage are both bigger commitments than a legal marriage certificate so I’m sure it’s the idea of a wedding stopping him proposing. Time to let go of the big romantic dream, and be happy he wants to be with you

Stillso · 13/07/2026 18:17

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

and it doesn’t seem to be for him either

ShishKofte · 13/07/2026 18:18

Don't buy the house.

Sorry Mark I'm just not ready for the commitment of a joint mortgage. Maybe when we're married and I don't feel so financially vulnerable.

As PP said, why would he change a thing when it's all in his favour?

TheClocksFast · 13/07/2026 18:20

Desg · 13/07/2026 18:09

So I’ve tried to have conversations in the past and it’s always been ‘I never said I didn’t, but we aren’t in a position to because of x y and z’ and I guess I’ve always naively thought okay fair enough, but there always seems to be some sort of obstacle so not sure it’s an excuse. It was the same with children, but fate took that decision out of our hands lol.

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

Show quote history

Sorry, but I think he doesn’t want to marry you. All his ‘reasons’ for it not being the right time are just his way of saying he doesn’t want to.

Ohpleeeease · 13/07/2026 18:22

Desg · 13/07/2026 18:09

So I’ve tried to have conversations in the past and it’s always been ‘I never said I didn’t, but we aren’t in a position to because of x y and z’ and I guess I’ve always naively thought okay fair enough, but there always seems to be some sort of obstacle so not sure it’s an excuse. It was the same with children, but fate took that decision out of our hands lol.

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

Show quote history

Come on, OP, fate did not decide you should have a baby, you made that choice.

If you won’t propose and he doesn’t want to, then you won’t be getting married. He’s
told you often enough that he doesn’t see it as a priority.

I find it incredible that people will wait for years for an unwilling partner to propose. If he knows how much it means to you, ask yourself why would he not?

WeNeedaDiagram · 13/07/2026 18:26

Isn’t expecting a proposal and engagement a bit daft when you already have a child together and have been together for several years? Just have a discussion about getting married. Waiting to be proposed to is clearly pointless at this stage.

Nighttimenoise · 13/07/2026 18:27

I doubt very much that he will ask you, he hasn't in the last SEVEN YEARS, so what makes you think he will in the future.

SirChenjins · 13/07/2026 18:27

StrangerOnline · 13/07/2026 18:17

And is it a marriage you want? Or a wedding? Weddings can cost a huge amount and I’m guessing you would want a ‘nice’ one? That gives him a really good reason to delay as a new house will always want money spending on it. And would you be expecting a diamond engagement ring etc?

Suggest you think carefully about what you want here. As he is clearly not the romantic-at-heart you would like him to be, and it may be all the associated fuss and expense of a big day is putting him off.

If you just want to be married, then as pp said - offer him a very small, intimate ceremony - job done.

edit to add: a child and a mortgage are both bigger commitments than a legal marriage certificate so I’m sure it’s the idea of a wedding stopping him proposing. Time to let go of the big romantic dream, and be happy he wants to be with you

Edited

This.

If you have made it clear that you want tge marriage rather than the (expensive) wedding and he's still not budging then it's up to you to decide if you want to hitch another of your wagons to a man who is happy to simply live with you and not do something that's really important to you.

If you're not sure then don't go ahead with buying a house - why should you commit to the legal paperwork of this nature when he won't commit to the legal paperwork of a marriage? Does he just expect you to put up and shut up up on a perfectly natural step for a couple after 7 years and a child together? Men are only too willing to get married when they want to.