How long is too long to wait for a proposal?

[Desg]

Be honest - how long did/will you wait in a relationship for a marriage proposal?

for context I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We had a baby (unplanned) last year and we’re just going through the process of buying our first home together. His sister got engaged yesterday and when I made a jokey comment about us still not being engaged he practically ignored me. This has been an ongoing thing throughout our relationship and if I was to get upset about it he’d just say some sort of excuse as to why we’re not in a position to at the moment (likely excuse being moving house). I don’t think that it’s that he doesn’t want to be with me, I am just unsure that he wants to ever get married. I also don’t think he’d ever admit to not wanting to get married. It’s important to me but I’m unsure if it’s worth throwing a 7 year relationship away, especially as we now have a child.

We got engaged 2 months after we met. Finally got married last week, 32 years engaged....

Well I would not have waited 7 years that's for sure.

DH actually proposed 2 months after we met and we got married 3 months later and, no, I was not pregnant.

Of course not every gets married that quickly although it worked for us - 46 years married and very happy but I never understand couples that after many years together are not even engaged let alone married.

In any case, with a baby and a property together, there's plenty of material there if either of them feels like being a twat in the event of a break up. It's not usually the divorce bit of a divorce that gets messy, it's the kids and/or assets.

I'm sorry, I know the proverb is dated but it's relevant here...why buy the cow when the milk is free?

I was quite happy to wait for him to propose as long as I was content with where the relationship was at. We were having a good time, enjoying each others company, experimenting with living together for a while.

But for me, investing in a house together, or having a baby are a different territory. There are solid legal benefits and protections with marriage and once you’ve crossed into that territory it’s no longer flowers and romance. I’d just have the diary out to work out when we’re both free for the registry office. He has missed the window for gallant proposals and any I wouldn’t be leaving myself or my child vulnerable for the sake of outdated gender roles. Tradition is all well and good, but traditionally there was an order to the proceedings for very good reason.

‘Poor woman’ is exactly how I feel. But she has accepted his limitations after 24 years together. He’s solid, faithful, a good provider. They are the very definition of rubbing along nicely together. When you get to 53, you stop expecting romance if you’ve never had it. I tend not to talk to her about this side of things because I have a really romantic husband. She’s doesn’t need to compare.

I can't imagine living like that, but it's her choice. 53 isn't too old to embrace the single life and start again, but her choice.

It's not something I'd wait around for. If I felt like we were ready to get married I'd bring it up and see how my boyfriend felt about it. If we were on the same page then we'd start planning a wedding and go shopping for a ring.

This is exactly what DH and I did. I think it was him who brought it up but it was something we decided as equals, not something I felt like he needed to ask me.

Hope he’s not one of those numpties who insist the baby has their name “cos tradition” but won’t get married 🙈🙈

Sorry but the fact he ignored you when you mentioned his sisters engagement says it all.

He doesn’t sound like he actively wanted the child given “Fate intervened” ie a contraception fail

I think you’ll be waiting a long time, OP. You’ve chosen to have a baby with, and buy a house with a man who by all accounts didn’t want children, and doesn’t want to marry you. He’s been very clear that he doesn’t want to marry you—why are you refusing to accept this? I wouldn’t think that entering a mortgage and such a big financial enmeshment with a man who won’t marry you is the brightest financial decision to make. Behaviour is a language—take onboard what he is communicating.

Exactly my point. If anything the divorce makes it easier as there is a legal basis for dividing their joint life.

Great advice for you @Desg

He probably is !

What are the reasons he gives for why you cant get married?

100%
Absolutely a bad idea particularly if children are involved, you are not protected!!!

If he really wanted to he would. It’s a pity you brought a child into this and didn’t find out his intentions before, if getting married was so important to you. If you’d told him you did not want children until you were married, you might have found out what his thoughts were on the matter, and also given yourself a way out to find someone else who would have proposed to you.

He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he would have asked. I get it, I don't want to marry my partner either. He's great but I don't see the point.

It's up to you whether that's a deal breaker.

Is he much better off than you OP? Because if he is, that’s probably why he doesn’t want to get married.

A man generally knows whether he sees you as marriage material very quickly into the relationship. Each time I've been proposed to, it was within a year of our relationships.

Men who wait a long time to either propose or actually tie the knot ime tend to do so from a point of societal or relationship pressure rather than generally a desire to marry you.

To be blunt OP the time to settle this discussion would have been before you had a baby and decided to buy a house together.

It just sounds like he is happy with some degree of commitment as long as he has a way out of the relationship by avoiding marriage.

Basically he is getting everything (a family, you) on his own terms.

I would have one last serious conversation with him and tell him that you want to get married.

If he is still reluctant then I would put a stop to the house buying and make it clear to him you won't make any further commitment and are reconsidering the future of this relationship.

You have to be ready to move on with your life if marriage is something that is non negotiable for you and this man is not the one to offer you that security.

A lesson from this is never to wait/waste years on a man if you have life goals (marriage, kids) that don't match his.

Sorry but that is odd and not the norm at all