How long is too long to wait for a proposal?

[Desg]

Be honest - how long did/will you wait in a relationship for a marriage proposal?

for context I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We had a baby (unplanned) last year and we’re just going through the process of buying our first home together. His sister got engaged yesterday and when I made a jokey comment about us still not being engaged he practically ignored me. This has been an ongoing thing throughout our relationship and if I was to get upset about it he’d just say some sort of excuse as to why we’re not in a position to at the moment (likely excuse being moving house). I don’t think that it’s that he doesn’t want to be with me, I am just unsure that he wants to ever get married. I also don’t think he’d ever admit to not wanting to get married. It’s important to me but I’m unsure if it’s worth throwing a 7 year relationship away, especially as we now have a child.

I wouldn't be buying a house with him without a proposal and a date for the wedding booked. Your pregnancy was unplanned and he still didn't ask. He has no intention of marrying you, sorry. Don't make this trickier to extract yourself from by buying a house together. Eventually you will get resentful and it will be messy. Move out, support yourself, get him to pay half for the baby and start looking for someone who actually wants to be with you.

but there always seems to be some sort of obstacle so not sure it’s an excuse. It was the same with children,

So he didn't want children either?

Great advice to you @Desg
Be prepared though, you might have to walk away and your heart will break for a while.
So often you see this - Man won’t commit to his long term partner.
They split and not so long after he marries someone else.

It was always going to be a long road, we got together in the first year of uni and didn't live together til after. We also agreed that financially we woud be better off putting our money into a house first then marry once we had our own place.

Fate did not take that decision out of your hands.

You could quite easily have booked a registry office.

I also would never propose, it’s not for me.

Sounds like it's not for him either. So you're on the same page! Rejoice!

I agree, I have seen this happen to a few friends and it was so heartbreaking for them when their “commitment phobic” ex turned out not to be any such thing when they married their next girlfriend fairly quickly.

My DSD and his partner finally married after more than 20 years. The reason?

The partner's brother had become seriously unwell and his partner (also of 20+ yrs) had found that being unmarried meant that she didn't have the same rights as a wife when it came to advocating for her brain-injured OH.

She eventually managed to organise guardianship, but - even then - found that the hospital seemed wary of the motives of someone who wasn't actually married to the patient.

I'd say 2 years to at least have the discussion. I was in a relationship and they said they couldn't bear being the centre of attention blah so we talked and decided not get married. Of course they were cheating for years...

We don’t live in the 1800s. If you want to get married, tell him that, talk about it.

Do you want to be a trad wife too? 🙄

I waited 8 years!!! No kids! It’s just took him that bloody long!!

@Desg isn't coming back to this thread.

She’ll just continue waiting and hoping…

Personally, I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to. I prefer to keep that kind of financial commitment within a marriage. My husband and I share everything, and I really love the way we do things.

My husband bought a ring three months in, proposed after six months, and we were married nine months after meeting. We now have two children and a wonderful life together.

As you have children together, he might see that as a lifelong commitment (which it is: your lives will always be connected), but it is not the same as marriage.

Some people don't value a marriage as much as having their own house or having kids. If you're not able to talk to him neutrally about his feelings on it - to understand why he is against it or if he genuinely does not realise it's important to you - you should consider whether you can stay with him for the next 20+ years and not be married.

This happened to my DH’s sister.

The only response!

You are buying a house together, you have a child and you won't ask him to marry you or tell him you want to get married?

That is bizarre.

I was with DH 6 years when he proposed. BUT we started going out when I was 23yr, and I went on to do professional exams. He knew I didn't want to get married for a good while.

In your case I would start pushing for it, if it is something you really want.

You said you wouldn't propose. With a child and a mortgage it won't be a fairy tail proposal anyway where you are surprised and swept off your feet - unless you pose it for insta.

Tell him it is very important to you now that you have a baby.

If he doesn't want the 'big wedding' don't do it. Have a beautiful small wedding

I think you’re getting some mixed messages from people and ultimately it’s different for everyone. My DH waited 8 years! We met at uni. Then bought a house eventually. You need to live together for a while I think. But the fact you’ve had a baby would definitely cause a big delay in my opinion. My situation was different- we had no baby. He was just slow!! Is it important to you to have children with a shared name? What about security in terms of finances and the mortgage? Those might be reason to persuade him. Does he have experience from his own childhood of divorce? That might be triggering for him.

I’d wait 2 years if we met when we were both over 25.

But speaking about your particular situation @Desg there is absolutely no way I would buy a house together if you are not married. And you need to be working full time and looking after your own financial future as if you were single. Because in the eyes of the law that is what you are.

If you have the deposit, buy alone. He can pay rent. Tough if he doesn’t like it. He wants to be treated as a single person legally. Then that’s the consequence. If you don’t have a deposit then focus on saving up so that you do have one and buying something you can afford.

I do not believe this man will ever marry you and you need to protect yourself

You have a child together. He wants to buy a house. I presume he needs your savings and income to do this.

I would tell him that you have decided that you won't be buying a house with him. Tell him if you're not willing to marry me I am not willing to use my savings and income to pay for a house.
I say this in front of his parents and family and let them see exactly what he is like.

Your good enough to be a girlfriend for 7 years, good enough to have his child and he now wants to use your income and savings to buy a house.
Let him stay at home or continue to rent until he is in a better financial position to buy a house with his own savings and income.

A wedding does not have to be a big expensive day but it gives you better legal protection. If anything happens him you can decide on treatment in a hospital or in the event of either of you dieing it means that you have a far higher tax free allowance to pass on your home ect. You could also be entitled to extra state help or benefits then along with possible death in service money through his employer.

6 years was my too long, I dumped him

Absolutely baffling. The idea that you can't get married until he Does A Proposal.... just tell him you want to get married? He clearly isn't that fussed so you need to decide whether it's dealbreaking for you or not (and tell him that).

You need to speak to your partner seriously about this; tell him how important marriage is to you and find out why he is reluctant. Don't let him prevaricate, he needs to explain.

It is possible the idea of a wedding palaver terrifies him, I have come across that. You can reassure him that you just want marriage, are not bothered about what sort of wedding (if you are not bothered about that). You can do it privately with two witnesses.