How long is too long to wait for a proposal?

[Desg]

Be honest - how long did/will you wait in a relationship for a marriage proposal?

for context I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We had a baby (unplanned) last year and we’re just going through the process of buying our first home together. His sister got engaged yesterday and when I made a jokey comment about us still not being engaged he practically ignored me. This has been an ongoing thing throughout our relationship and if I was to get upset about it he’d just say some sort of excuse as to why we’re not in a position to at the moment (likely excuse being moving house). I don’t think that it’s that he doesn’t want to be with me, I am just unsure that he wants to ever get married. I also don’t think he’d ever admit to not wanting to get married. It’s important to me but I’m unsure if it’s worth throwing a 7 year relationship away, especially as we now have a child.

I also think you’re better off without, especially as the one with a house. Be wary of him realising he can’t buy on his own and some friend pointing out marriage means he gets half of yours…

Sorry but this is terrible advice. Putting up with a man who won’t marry you, having 3 kids and being financially dependent on him while not being married is hardly something to aspire to. And just because your man finally agreed to marry you doesn’t mean it will work out that way for other women.

OP don’t put yourself in an even more financially vulnerable position. Keep working and have an honest, open conversation with your partner about what you want.

If they sell op’s house and buy a house together and she isnt smart, he could take it without marriage.

He doesn’t want to marry you and sad to say if that’s important to you then it’s unlikely to happen and you will just trundle along

no one wants to be a single parent. I didn’t. But I had to divorce my dh due to his behaviour

in some ways you have had a lucky escape - save your money in buying a larger house /getting married and possibly in years to come paying for a divorce and losing half your home /assets

Good action OP. He’s shown his true colours. Glad you stood up for yourself finally.

Well done OP. I know it's sad but better to know now and be able to move on with your life. Your DD will be fine with you as a mum

I completely agree.

I wish you all the best for the future @Desg

Wow, there are so many nasty comments in response to your post. Heaven forbid something in someone's life doesn't go according to plan eh! Sometimes things happen in a different order than we'd imagined.

My husband proposed after 7 years. The difference was that getting married wasn't really important to me. We were happy living together (we bought our first home together). He was very much what people nowadays would call a "green flag" guy. I knew 100% he'd always have my back, that he adored me and I adored him, and that was enough for me. I'd spent time with a few horrors before meeting him, so I knew.

But marriage sounds like a deal-breaker for you, and that's completely valid. People value different things. Maybe commitment in the form of marriage is something he's been anxious about, but after 7 years I'd expect him to have thought about seriously.

What is he like as a partner and as a dad? Are you happy with him generally? Do you feel supported, loved and valued? Does he adore you and your daughter? Or is he a bit of a man-child in other areas of your relationship too? No relationship is perfectly equal, and I do beleive that women often end up doing a bit more of the day-to-day, but it shouldn't feel significantly one-sided.

He has maybe gone to his mum's because he needed some space to think after your conversation as you were very clear where you stand. None of us really know what's going through his mind.

Hopefully he'll come back wanting to talk properly. He may realise he does want to get married but he's been scared of taking that step. He may decide he loves you but genuinely doesn't want marriage for whatever reason. Or he may decide the relationship has run its course as he cant commit to marriage. As hurtful as that would be, at least you'd finally have clarity.

I really hope things work out the way you want them to. But if they don't, at least you can be happier in knowing you didn't just carry on wishing for something that mattered so much to you. You deserve to be with someone whose vision for the future matches yours, and your daughter deserves to see a relationship where both people want the same things. Whatever happens, you've been brave enough to ask for what you need, and there's nothing wrong with that.

The answer is as soon as you start to feel resentful about it – that answer won’t be the same for everyone.

I’d stop with the ‘jokey’ comments. They aren’t jokey. They are passive aggressive and pointless. Be up front and let him know what you need out of this relationship and that you won’t be compromising.

I would not be buying property in a relationship like this, I would be taking care of myself and preparing to leave if he couldn’t show up for me.

Missed your update – a man who runs away from his partner of 7yrs and his child when he’s about to purchase a property with them, all over the question of marriage, is an immature fuck up, has always been an immature fuck and will always be an immature fuck up.

If marriage is important to you, this isn’t the guy. Starting off from a position of reluctance puts you on the back foot, even if he suddenly relents and agrees.

Also, try to change your mindset. Waiting for a proposal, on any man’s timeline instead of your own, is ridiculous. You don’t have to wait for anyone. Put your cards on the table, when you think the time is right, and have a conversation. Those honest conversations mean so much more than the daft trend of intagrammable proposals. They are only surface level performances. The ones which matter are the conversations between 2 people in private, where you are both honest with each other in what you want from each other.

OP, you and your child are in a vulnerable position. Please don’t buy a house with him while you are unmarried. Marriage gives you certain rights and protections. Please read the clear and simple information given by the Citizens’ Advice Bureau, link posted above by Naurrr:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Ordinarily this is excellent advice, but in this case OP is the better-off person in the relationship, both in assets and income. Marriage would put that at greater risk (although there are other benefits).

OP - you really need legal and financial advice if you want to continue in the relationship.

You were right to have the uncomfortable conversation with him before rolling your house equity into his first house purchase.

And he has answered your question about how long you will be waiting for a proposal: forever.

It sounds like he wants to get onto the property ladder on your steam, and still remain unmarried in case something better comes along. At least you know where you stand, and can make the decision whether to invest your property into his with your eyes wide open.

If you were my daughter, I would be advising you to hold on to your own property and to tell him to clear his things out and move back in with Mummy. (Did he move directly from Mummy’s house into your house, by chance? 🚩)

I do hope that you end it @Desg
He doesn’t deserve you.

Started seeing him Nov 04, decided to get married Nov 06, married Feb 07.

And no, I wouldn't wait 7 years to get married. I got married at the registry office as I hate a lot of fuss. It's quick and doesn't cost much.

☝️ Didimum makes a compelling point.

You did a brave thing in having that conversation and drawing a boundary OP - bloody well done! I hope his response made you feel it was the right decision you made. I’m so sorry because it must feel painful - and also I am so glad that he doesn’t get to mess you around any more. 💪🏼
ONWARD.

About a year in my case (slightly less) but Dh was early 30’s I was late 20’s and I think he didn’t see the point in dragging it out because he decided he wanted to marry me so may as well ask. I would never ever have bought a house with him or had a baby out of wedlock. We didn’t end up starting our family till much later but no I wouldn’t be playing wife without a commitment, especially the children part, he was the higher earner and having a child is always a risk for women and I wouldn’t have willingly put myself on the back foot for anyone without some sort of legal commitment.

I think he will never actually ask you to marry him tbh, you are either going to have to sit him down and give him an ultimatum or just accept it. I wouldn’t have wanted to ask either tbh.

Ah sorry OP, didn’t see the update, he’s fucking pathetic, tell him to oick the rest of his shit up too and he can stay at his mums.

We got engaged after 10 years, married after 11. We did get together at 18 though so engaged 28, married 29. Worked for us.

I'm so sorry OP that you've had to learn this the hard way, but there are so many men out there who will coast along quite nicely (sounds very much like him) for years with a woman who makes their lives comfortable, who dotes on them, and provides sex on a regular basis.....but she is not The One, and this is how they show it. There'll be all kinds of excuses - not now because this thing is going on at work, or so & so is getting married, or let's wait until I get a new job. Or 'it's just a piece of paper', or 'let's no ruin anything'.

These men will buy houses with that woman (because there's something in it for them), and even have planned children with them (because there's something in it for them and he's decided she'll be a good enough mother).....but marrying? No. That is something they've reserved in their heads for 'The One'.

That is true, lifetime commitment for them, and I'm sorry that just doesn't sound like you for him.
I note that you're currently living in your house. Is he paying rent on that equally with you? Because if he isn't, that another big incentive for him to coast along.

Absolutely know your worth!
The thing is he’s fine with you giving up your financial independence to live with him but he’s not willing to commit to you!
If you own your own house and out earn him I’d absolutely put the breaks on until he is sure he is serious. If he doesn’t know after 7 years and a baby together will he ever?

I saw the update. You were right to ask him about when you were going to get married considering that you already have a child and were planning to buy a house together.

My feeling is that without this conversation you have bought a house with him. Within a few years he have met someone better in his eyes. You and him would have broken up. He would have wanted this house to be sold to get his share back. Then you could be priced out of this area, have to change your child's school along with dealing with a break up.

One of my friends was rejected by a man similar to yours in the past but they did not have a child together. My friend was very upset at the time.
He went on to meet another woman and she was pregnant within 2 years of meeting him. My friend has heard a few things about him since then.
He has lived years with his partner and child but he won't marry her. His current situation is messy due to a number of reasons.
My friend is glad they did not end up together now because of this. She said it was hard at the time they broke up but her life is better now as a result.

You did the right thing and don't let him come back into your life once he realises he can't probably buy a home without you. He might go out playing the field and realise that he is not as popular as he expected.
Make sure he gives you money for his child as raising a child is not cheap. Get CMS involved if you have to.
You deserve better then him. I would do the freedom program to help you avoid men who could be problematic also.
Don't be in a rush into another relationship or introduce a man to quickly into your daughter's life.

He’s a coward and he’s not a real man.

I give him a month. He’ll realise what he’s lost, his GF, his DC and a good deal. He’ll come crawling back.

Thing is, will you want him?

You are in a much better position financially than he is. Be wary of him crawling back to take advantage of that. At least you know up until this point he hasn’t been after your assets or he’d have married you years ago. The inconvenience of him living with his mother and away from his child may make him see things in a different light but tbh I think you’re too far down the path to go the marriage route now. I’m sorry it’s come to this.