How long is too long to wait for a proposal?

[Desg]

Be honest - how long did/will you wait in a relationship for a marriage proposal?

for context I’ve been with my partner 7 years. We had a baby (unplanned) last year and we’re just going through the process of buying our first home together. His sister got engaged yesterday and when I made a jokey comment about us still not being engaged he practically ignored me. This has been an ongoing thing throughout our relationship and if I was to get upset about it he’d just say some sort of excuse as to why we’re not in a position to at the moment (likely excuse being moving house). I don’t think that it’s that he doesn’t want to be with me, I am just unsure that he wants to ever get married. I also don’t think he’d ever admit to not wanting to get married. It’s important to me but I’m unsure if it’s worth throwing a 7 year relationship away, especially as we now have a child.

You say that marriage is important to you but your actions show otherwise.
He isn’t going to give you the marriage you want. He doesn’t want to and you have allowed that.

If he is amazing in ALL other ways then you need to come to terms with not being married.

He reluctantly agreed? I bet your friend feels valued!

I agree with @Mumdiva99
We were together 4 years before we had it first, he proposed at 7 years married at 9 years while pregnant with our second.
It worked for us and was the way out life took us. I would say he obviously wants to be with you if you got a house together and have had a baby. Just done priorities are different. Not now doesn't mean never :)

I loved him and I was prepared to wait, it wasn't ever about marrying anyone it was about marrying him. I didn't ask him cos as i said i wanted him to want it and if i asked he might feel forced into it, he knew i would say yes.

Depends why you want to get married. Why is it important to you?

How old are you? If you are 25 and it’s been 7 years it would be a different compared to if you are 35 and it’s been 7 years.

I waited 8 years for him to propose, but then I was still only 24. But we had already had the conversation many times about marriage and we were both on the same page.

No more than 4 years.

Ok. It's a long time though. He was obviously not that keen, so I hope it's working out well for you both.

Got together in the feb he moved in in the may he proposed the following march married that summer. We don’t mess about though if we want to do something we get on with it.

also would never propose, it’s not for me.

Why not?
If tradition then propose in a leapyear.

You're allowing him to make the decision about your future. He decides to propose or not, he's setting the timetable.
Can't you discuss your future honestly?. Can't you have a say?

My in laws were together, happily, for 25 years. Then they got married. That was 10 years ago, and all still good.
There are no rules.

I think women, as a rule- and there will always be exceptions to prove the rule-want to feel that a man wants them, looks on them as something to be valued, something life enhancing, something to be cherished, to be "won."

It's only in recent decades that it's become a bit iffy to express this.

In the past, when a couple got engaged-it was impolite say "congratulations" to the woman because that implied that she had "won" him, instead they would wish her happiness. They would say congratulations to the man because he had achieved something in persuading, winning, the woman to marry him.

I think some of this lingers and that is why women like to be asked, not the other way around.

I would certainly never ask. Fuck that. There's always a kisser and a kissed and women that put themselves in the role of kisser often-not always-find themselves not valued.

In the Tombola of Life, I'm the champagne bottle not the bottle of HP sauce and as we are always treated at our own valuation, it's worked out well for me! Others can choose their own way.

Well you either want to get married or not.

I'm not sure i could be with someone who seemingly doesn't want to marry me if marriage was as important to me as it seems to be for you

Those suggesting the op ask him herself… have you read the op and follow up post?

The answer would likely be a flat “no”

I think if he hasn’t suggested it after 2 years then it might not be happening

In answer to your question, I would never have got 7 years and a baby in, or even 6 years and no baby, without this issue being settled. We were engaged in less than 2 years and married after 3. But there's not a lot to be done about that now.

What you can do is ensure the two of you discuss the issue properly, now. What exactly does he think the obstacles are?

My DP and I got to a similar point - together 4 years. No child. No talk of marriage. I sat him down and explained it was incredibly important to be. He said he isn’t see the hurry. We compromised on getting engaged - then slowly he started actually telling everyone and happily talking about it. Something happened that meant we had to think about actually doing it while all the people we want are there and we get married soon. He’s happy as Larry - spent hours designing our invites himself, has been absolutely 110% on board.
he just needed the space and time to get his head around it.

This.

You don't have to "propose" - just tell him you want to be married and if he does too you need to compare calendars and book the registry office - no fuss, very economical.

If he doesn't want that insist on knowing why - if he doesn't want to get married you want to know now, not in ten years time when he realises he does want to get married, just not to you, and leaves you to marry someone else.

You don’t have to propose or make grand gestures etc, you already have a child together and are considering buying a house.

You need to have a frank discussion with him, however let’s face it, if he wanted to be committed to you he would be by now.

Years ago I hinted like mad to my ex, we’d been together a while, got to the stage of laying an ultimatum on the line, mosied along for a bit with simmering resentment then I walked.
He proposed within 2 weeks, too late the damage had been done in the years of him knowing what I wanted and him refusing to either shit or get off the pot!
Best decision I ever made btw 😎

He does not want to marry you. I’m sorry but that is the hard truth.

KNOW YOUR WORTH

He clearly doesn't want to get married. And you clearly don't want to do anything to force the issue (ie: ask him, or give him an ultimatum). Therefore, you're never going to get married.

You've consistently told him you want to get married, and yet you've had a baby with him and are buying a house with him. This shows him that marriage is not a deal-breaker for you in order for the relationship to continue and progress.

You can either stop being passive and give him an ultimatum or propose yourself, or just accept it's not going to happen.

Hmm. Maybe tell him it’s important to you to be married now you have a child?
Are there financial reasons he may not want to marry (he owns your home and you’d get half etc?) You earn way less and he’d be sacrificing half his pension? If that’s the case make sure you stay in work… although the law is supposed to be changing to better protect cohabiting partners with children.

I think it's just giving the decision to the man and seems old fashioned to me. If it's a partnership, you both decide together.
However. Everyone is different, although the OP is finding out that leaving it to the man about whether they get married isn't working out.

It’s not that important to you or you’d have got married long before 7 years had past, you’d have had a proper discussion while pregnant at the very latest. You’re choosing to be a passenger in your life, fine, but own it. As for not asking him yourself, if your answer to why is “tradition” then you wouldn’t have lived together for years or had a baby unmarried, or (I’m assuming) given your baby his surname. You’ve both decided he’s the decision maker in your lives and that’s very sad.

Absolutely 💯