There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

I think that's entirely up to the OP to take what she needs from the thread. You are overstepping. Many posters are happy to support her. It's very early days and really it's none of your business.

She has actually put her business on the Internet for anybody to read! This is not a private place! It is totally up to her how much of her life she posts for everyone to read including journalists but literally thousands of people will have read this.

I’ve had a lot of lovely support from people on these threads and some great advice that I wouldn’t have thought of myself. It’s also helped to speak to people who are impartial to the situation but who have lived experience of their own similar situations. It has made me feel much less alone.

Yes thousands probably have read it and hopefully there’ll be a select few amongst them who have also taken comfort and advice from these threads too.

Well said!

Im glad you have found lots of support on this thread and you seem to be getting on very well. If you are happy with the level of personal information you are posting then that is great. I'm perhaps too suspicious of people to do the same myself.
Good luck with the twat x

I think you need to trust that she will do what she feels is right....
She will do what she needs to do....
It's not for any of us to say what is right or wrong in this case...
Everybody is different and deals with things differently....
Let her do what she wants/needs...
It's entirely up to her....

A bit late to the party with this, but these children are really young. They can't advocate for themselves. If @mummy917 's exDH won't play by the rules of common decent parenting, she has only two choices:

1. let the children spend half the week neglected
2. send reminders (which may be seen as interfering/controlling) in the hope that he is simply inept and with the right scaffolding he will step up
3. step in and fill the gaping chasm gaps

Depending on perspective @mummy917 can't win. If she chooses 1. she's knowingly allowing neglect. If chooses 2. She's accused of being interfering and everyone knows he would have been just fine without her intervention. If she chooses 3. She's controlling his time and dictating how he parents.

Personally, @mummy917 I'd do whatever let me sleep at night and ignore anyone that tells you they'd do it differently - they can do, with their own kids.

My general perspective is that when I'm an old lady, with nothing but memories, I want to know that I did my best for my children, with as few regrets as possible. If that means that you buy an extra backpack harness because the alternative is either you taking them out unsafely or his Mum taking them out unsafely, that's better than taking the risk of disaster.

You can't play fairly with people who don't play by the rules.

Yes this is exactly how I feel and you’ve put it so well!

What helps me sleep at night is knowing I’ve done everything I can for the kids whether they’re with me or their dad and if he hasn’t had something they need, then I’ve made sure they’ve had it regardless. Even if it’s something small.

I’m hoping that in time he will find his feet more, but if he doesn’t I will be there to pick up the pieces for my children.

I totally agree with you OP. It’s not a game of chess where you’re trying to outmanoeuvre your opponent, it’s your life and your children’s lives. You have to be true to yourself, and not go off course because you are dealing with a twat.

I am an old lady now, and knowing that - to the very best of my abilities and limited information sometimes - I always chose what was best for my children is the thing I am most v proud of in my life to date.

You’ve been absolutely amazing OP. Im
sure you’re emotions are still all over the place but you will be able to look back and take pride in getting your priorities straight

When you consider others before yourself it's a hard habit to break.

When you're constantly having to pick up after another adult that must also just become a way of thinking & take some time to stop doing.

Especially if there could be ramifications for children.

Thank you all 😊 it is such a hard habit to break. However after the way I was spoken to by him again yesterday, something in me changed and I realised I don’t actually have to put up with it anymore.

My emotions at the moment towards him are mostly anger.

You are right to let your silence speak for you. He just isn't worth a single ounce of your energy. Hold steady. You're doing brilliantly.

Glad you are finding your anger, OP. This will help you navigate things going forward. What was it he said to you yesterday that flipped your inner switch?

I think trying to make out I was a bad parent and just the disgusting way he spoke to me. For all I’m used to it, it was the first time I sat and reflected and thought that I don’t need to put up with that anymore.

Let him get used to you just quietly hanging up on him when he speaks to you like that. You don’t need to say anything but simply cut the call. It may take him a while but he will get the message

@mummy917

it was the first time I sat and reflected and thought that I don’t need to put up with that anymore.

No, you certainly don't. Phones are for putting down on someone and doors are for shutting in faces. Remember that. I have gotten much quiet satisfaction in simply putting down the phone. No words, no reaction. Just 'click' the moment esDH says something insulting or makes a stupid demand.

And although I get that you are angry (and with good reason), remember it's indifference you're striving for. So now you've felt that anger, let go of it and keep reminding yourself that you don't care what he thinks.

Anger doesn't take the 'sting' out of someone's words but indifference does. Indifference also allows us to think coolly and calmly about any actions we may want to take and make the decision on what is the most effective, which is often not the one we would take in anger. And that most time the best reaction is 'none' because what they want is to see a reaction.

Just a reminder that the OP has started a new thread "There We Are Then Part 2" - as this one was getting full

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5556664-there-we-are-then-part-2?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share