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Original poster

There We Are Then

994 replies

mummy917 · 09/07/2026 18:57

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy917 · 19/07/2026 19:43

I’ll look into everything and make sure we aren’t financially connected anymore 😊

Yes, the thought of bailiffs turning up at my door absolutely terrifies me. He definitely isn’t as poor as he’s making out he is. He’s never been great with budgeting though so I am glad that I have no involvement in that anymore.

OP posts:
BippidyBoppety · 19/07/2026 19:51

PinkEasterbunny · 19/07/2026 18:21

I have made peace with the fact I’ll never know if there is or was another woman. And I’m at the point where I’m not indifferent, it would still hurt me if something came to light, but that there’s nothing I can or even want to do about it.

I get this. There was no doubt my ex had an OW (he absolutely rubbed my nose in it, and signed the ‘adultery’ divorce petition) but I never got the bottom of WHY, and what was going wrong for him, so that he chose an OW. But over time that grew less and less important, however when I was in the thick of it, I was absolutely consumed by the question

It's a human reaction to want to know; my head was all "what did I miss, what was happening that I didn't see" etc. Knowledge is power, and all that. Once I saw his mobile phone bills I could get things straight about timelines and lies and the crappy way he spoke to me ...

BippidyBoppety · 19/07/2026 19:57

My ExH moved into his friends spare room when I found out messages between him and another woman but he really dragged his feet over telling bank / DVLA / motor insurance etc the new address because ,,, the friends would lose £ in benefits if it was discovered they had an income coming in from a second source. I sent stuff back "return to sender" - OMG the absolute rage I got off him. (He lived in that spare room for 4 years until he cock-lodged into a new relationship).

Lostpassporthelp · 19/07/2026 20:08

It’s become quite obvious he isn’t having the children 50% of time because he wants to spend time with the children. He’s doing it for financial reasons. Initially I couldn’t see how paying the living expenses for 4 children 50% of the time could be cheaper than paying maintenance, however I’ve realised that as @mummy917 is still having to pay for nearly everything child related except food for the children whilst they are with him, he is quids in. Quick question is he paying his half of your son’s school dinners or providing a packed lunch? If he’s not, that’s something to get sorted.

Tinnybinnylinny · 19/07/2026 20:09

mummy917 · 19/07/2026 17:27

I need to speak to him about the credit card he has as I doubt he’s even thought to update his address on that. I’m dreading it though as I know it’ll just cause more friction.

Please don‘t.

Write: No longer at this address, return to sender.

Dont engage with him when you don’t need to, you wouldn’t want to be accused of being controlling. He needs to be a big boy now.

There we are then.

Takingtigermountainbystrategy · 19/07/2026 20:10

mummy917 · 16/07/2026 08:41

I feel as though I’m no longer at the point where I can’t imagine life without him, as I’m living it, but then at other times I think “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be”. Then sometimes I think he’s done me a favour.

I can’t get my head around how much he’s rewritten our history too, it’s surreal. I once spoke to him about feeling as though him staying in bed on a morning as opposed to helping out with the kids, was him shirking his responsibilities and he made out I had said something absolutely horrendous. He has also since mentioned that over these last 3, almost 4 months. When he said “people are disgusted you said that to me”, I then asked him “did you tell people why I said it to you?”. His silence said it all. He was making out to people that I’d just turned round out of nowhere and said that he was shirking his responsibilities.

History = HIS story

Original poster
mummy917 · 19/07/2026 20:20

Lostpassporthelp · 19/07/2026 20:08

It’s become quite obvious he isn’t having the children 50% of time because he wants to spend time with the children. He’s doing it for financial reasons. Initially I couldn’t see how paying the living expenses for 4 children 50% of the time could be cheaper than paying maintenance, however I’ve realised that as @mummy917 is still having to pay for nearly everything child related except food for the children whilst they are with him, he is quids in. Quick question is he paying his half of your son’s school dinners or providing a packed lunch? If he’s not, that’s something to get sorted.

Our son has packed lunches and we are each making them for him on our days. It makes me sad to think the 50/50 is more for his own financial gain and when I really sit and think about it, it makes me resent him even more.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 19/07/2026 20:20

Yeah I wouldn't mention specific bills just say, off the back of the parking penalty:

"please ensure you have changed your address with everyone as I won't be able to guarantee misaddressed stuff gets to you in time/ever'.

Then it is up to him to work out what he hasn't sorted out and you can give him a couple of weeks grace if you want and then just start returning 'not known at this address'.

If he objects, just stick to your guns 'it isn't my responsibility'' which is perfectly reasonable. He doesn't need to know you'll be returning to sender/lobbing in the bin/setting it on fire.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2026 20:28

mummy917 · 19/07/2026 19:43

I’ll look into everything and make sure we aren’t financially connected anymore 😊

Yes, the thought of bailiffs turning up at my door absolutely terrifies me. He definitely isn’t as poor as he’s making out he is. He’s never been great with budgeting though so I am glad that I have no involvement in that anymore.

Dont be terrified by the thought of bailiffs, they can't do anything. In my case they weren't happy and implied I was lying "Oh yes thats what they all say" and I told them his new address. I said that if they wanted to gain access to my home they needed a court order (had done my home work) because my single council tax bill, my single UC claim etc all proved he wasnt here so they had no right to access a property he wasnt living and that contained none of his possessions. And my house and the mortgage were all in my name only.

He was NOT happy when they turned up at his door (he had ignored the new letters they sent to his new address) and said it was my fault. Yeah alright, my fault he hadnt paid his bills......

Lostpassporthelp · 19/07/2026 20:39

mummy917 · 19/07/2026 20:20

Our son has packed lunches and we are each making them for him on our days. It makes me sad to think the 50/50 is more for his own financial gain and when I really sit and think about it, it makes me resent him even more.

Show quote history

It’s really, really sad and very unfair on you and the children. Especially as you’d love to have them 100% of the time. The differences in your parenting and priorities between the both of you is like night and day. Have you got agreements in place for things like sharing the cost of school shoes, schools trips etc. You shouldn’t automatically pay for it all.

AmandaHoldensLips · 19/07/2026 20:48

I've had the bailiffs turn up before due to an unpaid bill. They were really nice! (The bill thing was a genuine mistake.)

GreenCandleWax · 19/07/2026 21:12

mummy917 · 19/07/2026 17:27

I need to speak to him about the credit card he has as I doubt he’s even thought to update his address on that. I’m dreading it though as I know it’ll just cause more friction.

Must you do this? It's his responsibility not just to do it but to think of doing it. If you are concerned that your address is going to be liable for a debt, you can inform them yourself, or send letters back marked No Longer at This Address. He needs to start thinking like an adult.😉

Lostpassporthelp · 19/07/2026 21:18

To be honest I wouldn’t remind him about updating his address, just start putting it in the postbox with return to sender. It’s his responsibility, not yours and it will only antagonise him if you mention it to him. This really is his mess to sort out, not yours.

CunningLinguist2 · 19/07/2026 21:21

Lostpassporthelp · 19/07/2026 21:18

To be honest I wouldn’t remind him about updating his address, just start putting it in the postbox with return to sender. It’s his responsibility, not yours and it will only antagonise him if you mention it to him. This really is his mess to sort out, not yours.

Yup! And this one doesn’t affect the kids. It’s very much his bed - let him fucking sleep in it on this one!

GreenCandleWax · 19/07/2026 21:24

Firefly100 · 19/07/2026 19:06

OP, Obviously you are going to do your own thing (and you are doing it so well, congratulations again for not being in when he tried to drop the kids off early) but like some other posters I do think you would benefit from trying to just leave him to it.
The potties - ‘I’m sure you’ll find a solution’. It’s not ideal if Twatoo doesn’t participate in the process because he ‘can’t afford them’ but they will get there eventually. It’s not serious enough to cover for him.
The backpacks - by all means buy new ones to be safe but don’t tell him that. Maybe call his mum and ask if you can come and collect them (with all four in tow!) as you need them urgently. If you don’t get them back, or not in a timely fashion, it is a reason to refuse to provide them again. Guess granny won’t be able to take them out then.
The uniform - obviously different the first Wednesday as you have booked the day off ( and presumably will be taking them to school), but going forwards, if he messes you about over uniforms, send them to him on a Wed morning in old play clothes on the basis your set of uniforms are still at his house. You drop them off early right, so he has time to dress them before school. If you do that, there will be no uniform changeovers will there? At least from you to him. I’d label everything you buy with the child’s name and your address and insist they are returned to you. I’d return his unwashed.
Personally I would not remind him about uniform purchases at all. Not your job. Again, it’s not serious enough to cover for him.
Also return all his future mail to sender. Not your job to contact him about any of it or remind him to update whoever. He won’t thank you for it, on the contrary he will hold it against you. Just don’t.
Each time you want to communicate something, i suggest you ask yourself if your children’s health or safety relies on it. If not, don’t. You are trying to co-parent reasonably, but that’s not possible with an unreasonable man. He will use your love for your children against you to make you keep compensating for him, then blame you for it. He will do this until you make it crystal clear by your (lack of) actions that you will allow him to fail.

This is so right. It's not easy to drop the facilitating role OP, but Firefly is right. You are helping him and he needs to do it on his own, amd if he doesn't the consequences are his to deal with - his decision.💗

VariantHela · 19/07/2026 21:32

mummy917 · 19/07/2026 17:31

No, I don’t have a credit card, it’s just in his name.

Show quote history

Just to add, keep an eye on your credit score etc. A free one is clearscore. Just in case

PrettyPickle · 19/07/2026 21:33

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2026 19:38

Oh yeah bailiffs can attend her address but it wont affect her credit score as none of it is in her name. The parking fine, the credit card.....all in his name only and bailiffs will have no choice but to leave on seeing proof that he isnt living there. And will probably do so more readily if she provides them with his new address.

I went through this too which is how I know.

Show quote history

But they will turn up at her house and as lovely as the Bailiffs will be once they know the situation, its one problem, one embarrassment she can do without and she can prevent.

MachineBee · 19/07/2026 21:33

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/07/2026 20:20

Yeah I wouldn't mention specific bills just say, off the back of the parking penalty:

"please ensure you have changed your address with everyone as I won't be able to guarantee misaddressed stuff gets to you in time/ever'.

Then it is up to him to work out what he hasn't sorted out and you can give him a couple of weeks grace if you want and then just start returning 'not known at this address'.

If he objects, just stick to your guns 'it isn't my responsibility'' which is perfectly reasonable. He doesn't need to know you'll be returning to sender/lobbing in the bin/setting it on fire.

Or he can set up a redirect with Royal Mail for mail in his name. He’d have to pay for it though but it could save him missing important stuff.

GordanoServices · 19/07/2026 21:34

GreenCandleWax · 19/07/2026 21:12

Must you do this? It's his responsibility not just to do it but to think of doing it. If you are concerned that your address is going to be liable for a debt, you can inform them yourself, or send letters back marked No Longer at This Address. He needs to start thinking like an adult.😉

Show quote history

I think I would return to sender if you’re confident you are not financially linked

Lostpassporthelp · 19/07/2026 21:39

PrettyPickle · 19/07/2026 21:33

But they will turn up at her house and as lovely as the Bailiffs will be once they know the situation, its one problem, one embarrassment she can do without and she can prevent.

Show quote history

Whilst Twattoo is reckless with money and an idiot, there isn’t actually anything to suggest he’s so awful with money that Bailiffs are likely to be knocking on OP’s door.

AlphaBravoGamma · 19/07/2026 22:07

GreenCandleWax · 19/07/2026 21:24

This is so right. It's not easy to drop the facilitating role OP, but Firefly is right. You are helping him and he needs to do it on his own, amd if he doesn't the consequences are his to deal with - his decision.💗

Show quote history

Facilitating or controlling?

The more this thread goes on, the more I understand why he claims the OP is controlling

BIWI · 19/07/2026 22:27

I think it's facile to perceive how @mummy917 is/was behaving as controlling, when it's become totally obvious that There We Are Then is incapable of organising his own life.

Ultimately she has ended up, in effect, becoming his parent. Which you could say is controlling. However, if she wasn't doing this, he would be doing absolutely fuck all.

... which has become patently clear in the days since he left.

WearyAuldWumman · 19/07/2026 22:34

BIWI · 19/07/2026 22:27

I think it's facile to perceive how @mummy917 is/was behaving as controlling, when it's become totally obvious that There We Are Then is incapable of organising his own life.

Ultimately she has ended up, in effect, becoming his parent. Which you could say is controlling. However, if she wasn't doing this, he would be doing absolutely fuck all.

... which has become patently clear in the days since he left.

I'm quoting to make it plain that I agree with you.

AlphaBravoGamma · 19/07/2026 22:44

But she's telling him (or wants to tell him) what to do all the bloody time! Whether it's to do with the children or not.

LET HIM SORT OUT STUFF

WearyAuldWumman · 19/07/2026 22:50

AlphaBravoGamma · 19/07/2026 22:44

But she's telling him (or wants to tell him) what to do all the bloody time! Whether it's to do with the children or not.

LET HIM SORT OUT STUFF

She's not stopping him from doing stuff for himself.