There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

I’d love to be able to sleep diagonally on a king size bed haha. What the heck is a super king size when it’s at home! Think that would have swamped most rooms.

A ridiculously huge bed, it was far too big and I always told him I felt lost in it but he loved it. Changing the bed was like an Olympic sport 🤦‍♀️ thankfully he took the bed when he moved out and I was so glad to see the back of it!

I’m glad he handled it well, that must have been comforting for you. It must be hard not checking in on them, but well done for putting them first, you are right it probably would have unsettled her again. It must be a comfort to you that the little ones have their big brother with them, from what you’ve said he comes across as very sensible and capable and I’m sure he’d suggest a call if it was needed.

It definitely put my mind at rest that he’d be there to comfort and reassure her if she was unsettled again.

He’s a very caring little boy and would definitely tell his dad to ring me if he felt he needed to. I knew tonight wasn’t right to FaceTime or even ring to speak to them, wasn’t what was best in this instance.

What the heck is a super king size when it’s at home! Think that would have swamped most rooms.

We've got a superking.

It is big but honestly it's only a single mattress each.

The very best thing for me when i split with ex H was getting my bedroom and bed back for myself. It became my total sanctuary. In fact, now im married again to a wonderful guy, we have our own bedrooms and 'meet up' when the mood takes us. Game changing!

My ex broke in while I was at work and took the couches, the dining table and chairs, the TV and the bed. I had proof I paid for half of the TV and the couches/dining set were 100% mine. I called the police and they tried to fob me of with the whole "it's a civil matter". They soon changed their tune when I told them he was a member of their staff and lodged an official complaint. He begged me to drop the complaint (i didn't). He returned my things and paid me my half for the TV. He knew to go quietly as I had a lot of stuff on him that at best would have cost him his job and made his life hell. Mummy's boys, eh?

It's a 6 foot wide bed, which can usually be separated out into 2 normal single beds if you want to as well, but the bases usually 'clip' together and the mattresses are usually zip and link too. We have one because I have 2 sleep disorders and if we didn't, neither of us would get a decent night's sleep! But it does take up a lot of room in a small bedroom!!

Changing the bed was like an Olympic sport 🤦‍♀️

We have gone back to a normal double bed, for this very reason!

It is really good you’ve taken this approach. I have been reading your posts but not commenting. My partner’s ex would do this within an hour of his dc coming to stay and it would really unsettle them and it wasn’t in their best interests. The professional advice it takes hours for kids to settle and adjust between house to house. As long a you are confidence your ExH will let her call you if she really wants to talk and misses you, then that’s ok.

My advice would be a call and no FaceTime going forward as I’ve seen the damage of it to my step dc. That and an assurance you are at home and they will see you soon. Never tell them you miss them on the call as they feel guilty and they may worry about you, I’m sure you’ve got this but I’m just giving advice from the other side of the fence. I can’t go into more details as it will be outing.

At first I would’ve absolutely not seen it like that @AnonAnonmysteryand I’ll be the first to admit that. I didn’t want the kids thinking I’d just shipped them off to their dad’s and I wanted them to know I was still there, but that was definitely partly for my own conscience too. It’s all such a huge learning curve but I do feel as though their time with each of us, should be that. I’ve been annoyed myself when my ex hasn’t rang them to see how they are or to speak to them, but most of that comes from the fact I do message him to ask how they are and he doesn’t do the same so it feels like when I have them, it’s out of sight and out of mind for him. I let them ring him if they ask but I am starting to think that FaceTimes while they’re with the other parent aren’t necessary (unless one of the kids asks for it themselves) and may unsettle the younger ones.

I would agree with cutting back on the face timing / phone calls, one day he will turn around and tell you that you are interfering with ' his ' time with the children, he will accuse you of harassing him / continuing to control him.

If it was important i.e. one of the children happens to have a birthday whilst with him or it's Christmas Day ( and both of these will happen ) then that would be different, or if it's his birthday whilst the children are with you then of course it would be lovely for the children to phone him.

Having said all that, I would be surprised if he is still doing 50/50 in one year's time. I think many of us think that will happen sooner rather than later.

He does not actually want the children 50/50.

it's all about money / control
that's why he took as much as he could out of the family home.

that's why he took as much as he could out of the family home

Yet somehow forgot to take what he would need for the DC, i.e. a share of their clothes.🙄

@StandingDeskDisco

That's because a TV and wardrobe were more important ( to him ! )

I love @Sodthesystem ’s song—https://vocaroo.com/1g926q4OPK5r

I’m getting Kate Nash “Foundations” vibes.

It's so nice being able to make your rooms feel like your own. My ExH had quite minimalist taste. When he left, I bought a huge silver rococo-style bed and matching bedroom furniture. It was an OTT princessy boudoir, and a complete middle finger to him, and I loved it.

It is a bit like an Olympic sport for one person. Let me guess....the T.W.A.T. did not get involved and help @mummy917 make the bed? SK beds are wonderful for larger people, hot, menopausal women or anybody with a sleep disorder. But I can well understand @mummy917 reclaiming her bedroom; it sounds like a wonderful sanctuary now.

If it's going to end up as modern urban parlance, I'm going to be using it on so many people before then. 😁

I've realised that our Brownies leader, who is very churchy but generally a bit sarcastic , says 'There we are then!' to the children when they complain.
I wonder if she knows?

I’m guessing she does and that’s her safety valve 😂

So a TV was so essential that he took from @mummy917 home
🤬

Then a mattress for his children to sleep on was only important enough for him to ask @mummy917 to buy (with no intention of paying her back).

Crucial to have that twattoo tho

Yes, the list of reasons to hate him keeps getting longer.

Meanwhile @mummy917 has found her own perfect coping mechanism to deal his BS;
"There We Are Then"
👑

Sorry I’ve been MIA again today, still feeling as though I’m not coping all that well. I’ve been out with friends from work and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of this funk. I’m crying a lot more than I have done over the last 6 weeks or so and can feel myself withdrawing back into myself again. I feel as if I’ve had amnesia and have all of a sudden put all of the shitty things he’s said and done to the back of my mind and all I can think is how much I miss him and wish things could’ve been different. How on earth have I done such a u turn in the space of a week since I filed for divorce?!?

You have been completely focused on your four lovely children and their needs since all of this started, this is really the first time you have had to experience properly all the emotions that have been waiting in the wings.

You are doing great and feeling rubbish - both things can be true at the same time.

You have practically come such a long way in these past weeks, but the emotions are only just catching up. You won't stage at this stage for ever.

Onward.

@mummy917 So sorry to hear you've had a crap day.

But this is not a linear journey. I'm sure that most of us who have been in your situation will agree that it really is three steps forward and two steps back sometimes. But you have come SO FAR, in such a short space of time. You're amazing!

Screw it, have a cry, you're entitled to feel upset that the man you loved turned out to be an absolute wanker. And then dust yourself off and remind yourself of how brilliant you are, how amazingly you've handled this, and how that man-child does not deserve you.

You've got this OP x