There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

Whether he was cheating when you were still in an active marriage is academic really isn’t it? We can’t change the past. His life now is no longer your concern unless it affects his capacity to care for your DC. Dwelling on his possible shenanigans gets you nowhere. Very hard to accept that emotionally, I know, but the sooner you can do so, the sooner you will be indifferent to the twat.

I also wouldn't trust him to notify DVLA etc of his new address. I'd be notifying them myself. And yes, I would have opened that letter 'by mistake'.

Annual leave sounds like a great idea, OP. You’ve seriously got your shit together and I admire you for your approach to this diabolical situation.
Can you - or another poster on this thread - remind me of your 50/50 arrangement? I keep forgetting and it means I don’t fully understand the ramifications of There We Are Then’s dirty tricks.

I think you actually need to send the licence card in for replacement so not sure you can.

As he wanted 50/50 the arrangement is Monday/Tuesday OP
Wednesday/ Thursday Twatoo
Then alternate Friday to Sundays I think.

Whilst it’s tempting for everyone to speculate what he’s been pursuing (especially with the parking fine). I urge you to be indifferent and not look for answers. Let it go.

Imagine both of you on on different sides of a dimly lit stage with spotlights and keep shifting the spotlight from him on to you.

You might get explanations and insights but much later on. It’s far better to accept the situation and focus on you. He showed clear signs (especially after the twins) that his fulfilment lay elsewhere and effectively he was ‘wasting his life’ with the family. There are men who genuinely take joy from family life but they typically have better internal self-worth.

Just accept he sees himself as the highest priority. Once your family increased to four he had just had enough and fancied the opportunity to reinvent himself.

My ex was similar. The excitement of reinvention may seem to bring them a veneer of new ‘happiness’, but in my ex’s case it didn’t last long, soon he was trying to reinvent himself again. Changing partners, jobs, accommodation always seeking to blame external factors for his own internal discontent.

But that’s up to him now, not you. Focus on you. In your time off can you plan time with friends and play dates with other families over the summer, beaches, ice cream, sandcastles, pond dipping?? Give the children a summer of happy memories. You want the legacy of “even though your Dad had left that year, we still had a fun summer in 2026!

I don’t know how I feel in terms of wondering if or what he’s potentially been up to. Ultimately it doesn’t matter either way now though.

Yeah I do Mondays and Tuesdays, he does Wednesdays and Thursdays and we alternate Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.

I think I have accepted that he is his highest priority and always will be. I will bridge the gap with the kids so hopefully they don’t notice it, especially while they’re still young.

I didn’t realise I could notify the DVLA myself. Wondering if I can send my sole tenancy agreement as proof?

I'd have been tempted to send the penalty back saying "not at this address"

This is what I would have done. But then I’m a cow.

The DVSA can fine you heavily - i think it's up to £5k - for not updating them of correct address. I would think about letting him tell them rather than them find out from you, not because I have any sympathy for him, but just in a choose your battles way as anything he perceives as a slight from you may lead to repercussions.

I think you should say, “boy twin” is very quickly adapting to potty. Can you please get on board with this, it will save you money ultimately.
It is not in their best interest to sabotage my potty training efforts. Perhaps Mildred can sub you £10 for the potties.

I’ll be telling him how well boy twin has done. They’ve both done great but boy twin is that little bit further ahead with it at the moment.

I have thought about getting potties to just give them to him on Wednesday morning and him and his mum can continue with it over the next weekend.

@mummy917 I’ve just come back from being away and catching up with the thread. It seems to me OP that you are still doing the emotional wifework. You keep picking up his slack and although I get why because you want the best for the kids, he’s now living his best life but with the benefits of a wife’s emotional labour. He most probably has a new gf and enjoying the excitement of ‘new love’ whilst not having to worry out the day to day minutiae of organising family life. Thats still on you. He should have a redirection in place for all his post. I would ask him if he has a redirection in place and if he hasn’t, tell him to sort it or you will be returning any mail to sender. You are not his redirection or mail holding service. I think you have become so accustomed to doing this for him as his wife that you are finding it a difficult habit to break. The way he’s treated you throughout this break up is appalling. You did nothing to deserve what he’s done to you. He doesn’t deserve niceties from you apart from in front of the kids. Please try to step back. He really doesn’t give you a second thought now he’s out of the family home, yet just assumes subconsciously or not that you will continue to be his personal secretary. You now need to build a full life in which there is no time to think about how he will manage his and the children’s lives away from you. I know it’s really hard to do. He will make mistakes and muddle through initially but your children will be fine even if it’s not how you would do it.

I know, I really do need to take a step back and believe me I am trying, even if it doesn’t seem like it 🤣

I think part of me continues it too because the kids are used to having what they need without having to worry, and I’d hate for them to go into school or nursery (or anywhere really) without what they need.

I have messaged their key workers at the nursery today to keep them updated about how potty training has gone over the weekend so they can continue it on Monday and Tuesday 😊

No I know he doesn’t give me a second thought at all now.

If it helps, I printed out a sheet of "not at this address - return to sender" labels which I just put on any post and put back in the post box on the school run.

You've put that really well. I was wanting to say similar, but I'm too direct. It seemed as though I was kicking the op whilst she was down.

Op. If he hasn't got 'time/money' to do something, it's because he expects you to do it for him whilst he gets on with his shagging fun.

Well it doesn't make you a cow. If he hasn't updated his details that's his lookout.

I understand it's as easy to hand things over when you are seeing them in a couple of days but it all adds to the not needing to take responsibility/think for themselves!

Yeah! DH borrows my brain and energy and competence a lot. If he started being a There We Are Then/Twatoo then the privilege of using my competence would cease with immediate effect.

I still get post for XH, I just put it in the bin. Is that allowed? It never occurred to me to return to sender.

Maybe depends on how long ago he left/what it is?

Eta of if there are children that might be affected?

@mummy917

As far as the 'cheating/not cheating' thing, after I left I found myself wondering about certain things in the past in my marriage. Not cheating, but just things and behaviours that I began to see more clearly. I kept coming back to them and finding no answers. I finally realized that those things don't really matter anymore and that I needed to stop putting emotional energy into thinking about them. I think it's the same thing with your STBX's possible cheating. Your STBX is gone and for a lot of very good reasons just as my DH's drinking was a good enough reason for me to leave. There's no need for us to try and find another good reason to ruminate over.

I think part of me continues it too because the kids are used to having what they need without having to worry, and I’d hate for them to go into school or nursery (or anywhere really) without what they need.

I get that. But as my friend's bubbe used to say when we would fret about our DC, "From this, little children do not die". There is nothing they may not have that will be 'ruinous'. Even going to school without pencils, books, or no/wrinkled uniform is survivable. It's about good communication with nursery and school, and you are aces at that! Just be sure they know what's going on and about his 'ineffective' parenting.

Unfortunately not. Disposing of or throwing away mail belonging to an ex-partner is a criminal offence under the Postal Services Act 2000

Yes but depends on circumstances whether there is any likelihood of anyone caring. I have had a bunch of mail over the years to random names who did not live in our house any time in the last 12 years. I bin unless it looks official or bank like which is almost never.

I have made peace with the fact I’ll never know if there is or was another woman. And I’m at the point where I’m not indifferent, it would still hurt me if something came to light, but that there’s nothing I can or even want to do about it.

I will see what he says on Wednesday when I give him the penalty parking notice letter and will reiterate he needs to change his address with the DVLA and everyone else he gets correspondence from.

It might be better for you to return to sender with 'not known at this address' written on it, in future. I'd be more inclined to trust a 3rd party to update their records, than a childish ex, with no sense of priorities.
Can you get his name off the electoral roll for your address?
Not sure if it's been covered already but anything financial, like credit cards, you want separated from your address.

I need to speak to him about the credit card he has as I doubt he’s even thought to update his address on that. I’m dreading it though as I know it’ll just cause more friction.