There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

Are you both on the credit card? If so you need to take steps to dissociate yourself from it

No, I don’t have a credit card, it’s just in his name.

Just a thought after telling him to change his address for everything, any post that arrives at your address for him you should ‘return to sender’ rather than handing it over. If he is not too good with money you may otherwise end up with debt collectors knocking on your door - more stress you can do without I’m sure

So you will dress them in uniform Wed am, he will have them Thu am and Fri am, so will likely re-dress them in the same uniform (unless his mum does uniform shopping for a second set, or does an overnight wash).

Then depending who has them that weekend, you either get them back Friday after school or Monday after school?

It does seem that uniform will naturally travel between the houses, so it may be impossible to keep to your sets and his sets of uniform.

Hi OP. I have been following along, impressed with your resilience in such a difficult patch of your life, but haven't commented yet.

I have a slightly different perspective on you providing him with things like the potties from, I think, the majority of posters. He didn't take half their stuff when he left and that doesn' of course, show how his focus was incredibly self centered and how little he thinks about the kids' needs. But ti also means you were left with what you needed without having to replace things. So providing him with stuff the kids need for the things that are your priorities gives you the ability not to be controlled by him. You don't have to wait on him to catch up to what the kids and you aren't, over all, out of pocket. If he'd taken half you'd have had to replace more stuff and when he said he "couldn't afford" some small basic, you'd have been making a choice between actually subsidizing him and not doing something that was important for the kids. But he didn't take it all. You can see the stuff he left as a sort of slush fund for making up for is failure to centre his kids. No need to feel bad about it.

You will need to tighten the purse strings eventually if he doesn't change. But it will probably be easier in 6 months or so when the rush of all the change isn't overwhelming you and the kids (potentially he'll also get better, but I wouldn't count on it).

So just some support for your current approach.

I have made peace with the fact I’ll never know if there is or was another woman. And I’m at the point where I’m not indifferent, it would still hurt me if something came to light, but that there’s nothing I can or even want to do about it.

I get this. There was no doubt my ex had an OW (he absolutely rubbed my nose in it, and signed the ‘adultery’ divorce petition) but I never got the bottom of WHY, and what was going wrong for him, so that he chose an OW. But over time that grew less and less important, however when I was in the thick of it, I was absolutely consumed by the question

Hi op it might be worth checking on clear score to see how connected your finances are even him doing loan or credit card searches could affect you. Also contact equifax to disassociate from him. Also I would be tempted to call his bluff now you know he got the fine in another place I would say I hope she’s worth the fine and it won’t impact your children. It will piss him off you even suspecting another woman now. There is no way he’s blown up his life just to get away from someone who basically had to carry him through life. Either way nothing will change but you will know it’s the real reason he called you everything under the sun.

Provide him with things that make your DCs life and yours easier.
But....you seem to be looking for things to contact him about to keep a connection going. It is not your responsibility to remind him to redirect things....just put his address on and shove in the post box...or return to sender. It is not for you to deal with his ticket, he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be with or connected to you.
Let him sort these things out himself.

I wouldn't mention it to him if you think you won't get a good reaction. At least, I wouldn't say anything unless a statement showed up. Then I might say "Your CC statement came here. You need to change the address on it because I almost opened it by mistake". I guarantee he'll take care of it then!

I'm in the US so don't know about UK post. Doesn't one simply put a forwarding order in at the post office? It's free here and lasts for 12 months. Obvs, you still have to change your address with the various 'entities' you get mail from, but at least you'll have your mail forwarded until you do.

You can put a divert on your post, it’s not free but not extortionate, I think it’s about £40 for six months?

Shame, you could have used it to pay for the potties and the backpacks.

OP, Obviously you are going to do your own thing (and you are doing it so well, congratulations again for not being in when he tried to drop the kids off early) but like some other posters I do think you would benefit from trying to just leave him to it.
The potties - ‘I’m sure you’ll find a solution’. It’s not ideal if Twatoo doesn’t participate in the process because he ‘can’t afford them’ but they will get there eventually. It’s not serious enough to cover for him.
The backpacks - by all means buy new ones to be safe but don’t tell him that. Maybe call his mum and ask if you can come and collect them (with all four in tow!) as you need them urgently. If you don’t get them back, or not in a timely fashion, it is a reason to refuse to provide them again. Guess granny won’t be able to take them out then.
The uniform - obviously different the first Wednesday as you have booked the day off ( and presumably will be taking them to school), but going forwards, if he messes you about over uniforms, send them to him on a Wed morning in old play clothes on the basis your set of uniforms are still at his house. You drop them off early right, so he has time to dress them before school. If you do that, there will be no uniform changeovers will there? At least from you to him. I’d label everything you buy with the child’s name and your address and insist they are returned to you. I’d return his unwashed.
Personally I would not remind him about uniform purchases at all. Not your job. Again, it’s not serious enough to cover for him.
Also return all his future mail to sender. Not your job to contact him about any of it or remind him to update whoever. He won’t thank you for it, on the contrary he will hold it against you. Just don’t.
Each time you want to communicate something, i suggest you ask yourself if your children’s health or safety relies on it. If not, don’t. You are trying to co-parent reasonably, but that’s not possible with an unreasonable man. He will use your love for your children against you to make you keep compensating for him, then blame you for it. He will do this until you make it crystal clear by your (lack of) actions that you will allow him to fail.

I don’t feel like we have much of a connection at all now, even if I did want to try and keep one going, I know I’d be wasting my time. And that it’d be bloody stupid too!

I agree @ClayPotaLot , half of everythng should be at his house.

Re unifrom, I can't see it being an issue. If you don't get Wednesday's uniform back on Sunday, they can get dressed for school at Dad's the following Wed morning. On 'your' weekend, they'll come to you in uniform on Friday evening, then go back in it on Wed.

Cross posted @Firefly100

Again, then, no risk to you if you leave the stupid sod to do his own admin. STOP DOING IT FOR HIM! Love you! x

@mummy917 Just a thought but have you looked at your credit record to make sure there is nothing you share with him and where you may have had joint accounts, you can update the record to say he has moved out?

And the council tax bill, have you told them he has moved out as they use the Council records for all sorts?

It sounds to me that he isn't very good at being organised and that all the life admin was done by you previously, and whilst I am not up for you doing the work for him, I think its wise to protect yourself. Personally I would write to all utility bills, council tax, libraries, insurances etc, especially if you had joint accounts and tell them he moved out and give them his address just to protect yourself.

This.

It’s up to him to do, or not, his admin ref. changing addresses. You just need to decide on how you manage it. Do you just forward and give him a few months grace, or just return to sender?

And you can use your sole tendency agreement, and maybe solicitor stuff, as proof, to cover your back if ever needed.

Why should she pay for that. She needs to protect her credit score so he needs to change the addresses. He just needs to tell the companies involved and if he doesn't she just returns them to sender unopened and writes his new address on them and the date he was there from. The companies involved will then contact him.

I have always had a list of bills in my phone so I knew every month what was coming out and I’ve got a written record of what was in mine, his or both of our names. I’ve changed everything over that needs to be and have taken his or my name off what was needed. He made the bank aware when we made the joint account into his sole account, that he was moving and gave them his new address then. I’ve made the council aware and have sent them my sole tenancy agreement so they had proof for my single person discount for council tax. He also had to do the same to claim his in his new house but I’ve got no
idea if he’s done that. I did make them aware he was moving out and the date he left, as well as giving them his new address too. More so nothing would come back on me. He had very little to sort in the way of direct debits that he was still going to be paying as they all stayed coming out of his (now) sole account; it was me who had to change everything so all the utilities etc came out of my new bank account.

It wont affect her credit score, the credit score is by the person not the address. As long as she is not on the card then it wont affect her. Being married to him doesnt mean that they can come after her for his debt, they can only do that if it is joint debt that he is refusing to pay (a mortgage or loan say).

If they have joint accounts, they can come after her and I speak from experience. They had a joint account but that has been moved into her name. But the OP has all that in hand from the sound of it. Similarly if the parking fine for him is issued to her address, then that is where the bailiffs will come unless they are aware he has moved out but again she has that in hand.

Oh yeah bailiffs can attend her address but it wont affect her credit score as none of it is in her name. The parking fine, the credit card.....all in his name only and bailiffs will have no choice but to leave on seeing proof that he isnt living there. And will probably do so more readily if she provides them with his new address.

I went through this too which is how I know.

Might be worthwhile to reroute the mail. Mind you, in the other hand, leaving it will at least show you if he has anything overdue that’s wrongly been sent your way. Wouldn’t want to be surprised by bailiffs or something. I highly doubt he’s as broke as he’s making out though.

@mummy917please just check all the credit reference agencies that you are no longer financially linked to him in name.